previous issues: Issue 9, Nov. 2002: "We're Back! We're Bad!" Issue 11, Dec. 2002: "It's a Disturbingly Merry FF Christmas!" With Sergio and Jesse Sorgatz. Issue 12, Jan. 2003: Radio Man vs. Mega Man, Interviews, and The Two Towers Issue 13, Feb. 2003: Lisa Renley and Alan Winston Interviews, Films by Jason Gutierrez, Radio Man Live!, Squiffy Cartoons, and Donald Washington Issue 14, March 2003: Monkey Make Movie 2 and 3, Roscoe Gortsky, Ghostbusted 2, Talking to People About Star Wars Issue 15, April 2003: The Journey of Truesong, Pirates of Film Issue 16, June 2003: Big Camp Fastforward special! With Monkey Make Movie 4 and 5, James and His Toy Robot comic special, and Forum Fun Issue 17, July 2003: Indulgence Trailer, Monkey Make Movie 6, For Science, Torgo: Special Edition, and Ghostbusted 2: Final Cut Issue 18, September 2003: Teenage Bingo Brigade, Radio Man Live Without Pants, The Sugarhigh Crusade, The Tao of Cow Issue 19, November 2003: Camp FF 3 Video, Lover's Poison Issue 20, January 2003: Camp FF 4 special, Ghostbusted 3 clip, Gods of Los Angeles clips Issue 21, March 2003: Warren and Jonason take over! Fake news special issue pt. 1 Issue 22, March 2003: More headlines by Warren and Jonason. Starring Martin Sheen. Issue 23, March 2003: Even more by Warren and Jonason. "Our Milkshakes Taste Better Than Yours." April Fool's Day 2003 Fake Frontpage (Cat-Prin) Issue 24, July 2003: Mt. Rushmore is Burning, Radio Man is a Poet Issue 25, 2005: Radio Man: The Web Series! Words VIDEO FEATURES AUDIO FORUM CHAT TOOLS ABOUT US speak your addled mind in the forum!

Entertainment created by and for the no-budget filmmaking community. We all work our asses off making movies not enough people watch. FASTFORWARD is a chance for us to talk to other people just as messed-up as we are, relax and laugh about it. Send submissions/comments/complaints to here we are now. entertain us. You Should Go to the Forum Right Now Yeah, seriously. Go to the Forum right now. We don't update this front page anymore. It's kind of embarrassing actually. Anything new and interesting that's happening is going to be happening in the forum. So. Go to the forum. When this site did its big launch in 2002, there used to be a lot of people contributing new video and fun stuff to this front page. After a while, it was just me. Your friendly webmaster, Garrett Gilchrist. So if this front page is just my stuff, there's not much point to having it .... or is there? Anyway, go to the forum. It's good times. Filmmaker Spends 10 Grand on Camera, Nothing on Actors Filmmaker Rashiv Cranston is poised to conquer the festival circuit with his latest masterpiece, "Memories of FutureTime." Rashiv's film is an ambitious drama set in the near future, in a world where artificial replacement body parts save lives but limit emotion, where a man and a woman, both of whom are haunted by mysterious events in the past which they won't reveal or can't remember, must join together or perish. The film is sure to look great, with Rashiv doing the cinematography himself and shooting with a $10,000 high-definition camera which he recently purchased. "The technology has finally caught up with our dreams," he said in a recent interview he did with himself for his own website. "This is a film I've wanted to make for ten years now." Rashiv is 22. "Finally using the latest digital tools and tricks, I can make the film look as good on screen as it does in my head." The film begins shooting next month, and stars Rashiv's friend Mike, who was in a school play once, and Rashiv's sister, who can't act. Amateur Film Exposes the Dark, Seedy Underbelly of 15-Year-Old Gangsters At last, a film that tells it like it is. Scotty B. Chase's new film SUDDEN DEATH PATROL is a masterpiece of the crime genre, on par with The Godfather, The Departed, and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. What sets this film apart is its realism. While shows like The Sopranos and some other show besides The Sopranos are content to portray the mafia as a bunch of aging Italian men, set in their ways and unable to accept that the world is changing around them, SUDDEN DEATH PATROL shows the mafia for what it is - a group of 15-year-olds hanging around in their high school after hours, giggling, adlibbing dialogue awkwardly, pointing toy guns at each other, and looking at the camera. Finally, a film that's unafraid to speak the truth about the 15-year-old suburban mafia. I have had personal experience with the mob, when 2 years ago, on a routine mission to the grocery store, I was accosted by a young band of identically dressed street youths wearing fedoras and their dad's suits and holding toy guns with the orange parts painted black so that the guns would look real. They giggled and adlibbed dialogue awkwardly as they demanded my money, and even set up a camera so that they could look at it. It was a hellish ordeal. They threatened to beat me down if I didn't give up "the dough", which was their word for money - they spoke in outdated slang they'd heard in a movie sometime. I escaped with my life, but just barely. I've never seen a film that accurately showed what my ordeal with the mafia was really like - until I saw Scotty B. Chase's SUDDEN DEATH PATROL. Forget The Sopranos. Forget Goodfellas. Forget Forget Paris. This is, from my personal experience, exactly what the mob is like. In fact, at one point the gang demands money from a man who looks almost exactly like me. Hey wait. Waaait a minute .... "Fuck You, Mom!" is the Feel-Good Hit of the Summer Forget Transformers. Forget Harry Potter. The feel-good movie of the summer is Will Bixley Jr.'s "Fuck You, Mom!" Centering around a wonderfully engaging and light-hearted performance by Bixley himself, "Fuck You, Mom!" is 16 minutes of pure cinematic bliss. In the opening scene, we find Bixley in his college dorm room, waving around a gun and ranting incoherently. To the camera, he screams about what a fucking bitch his mother, Elaine, is. How she never supported his dreams of becoming a famous filmmaker, how she doesn't understand him, how she resents him just for being a man, and named after his dad, William Bixley Senior. Continuing his rant for the full 16 minutes without a single camera cut, Bixley shouts about how she'll be sorry when he's a rich famous filmmaker and he won't ever invite her to his big movie premieres and how he'll never give her a penny of his millions and how she can just die in a home for all he fucking cares. He then says maybe he should just kill himself, but then decides not to, since the gun he's holding is only a toy gun anyway. He then decides to post this entire video to show to all his friends on Myspace, which is where I saw this video. "Fuck You, Mom!" is a hilarious, witty concoction - frothier and "fun-ner" than Ratatouille, and in its own way providing more fireworks and explosions than Transformers - all due to the engaging performance of Mr. Bixley, playing himself. He is already working on a sequel, entitled "Fuck You, Dad!" I suspect the little shit has a long career ahead of him. Filmmaker is Fatter Than He Used to Be Christ, I'm getting fat. Christ. I really am. Is it just that I look fat in that one photo? No, I look fat in all these photos. God. Well, they say the camera adds 10 pounds. Dear god, how many cameras are ON me right now? That's a joke from Friends. I can't believe I just quoted Friends. God, why didn't anyone tell me? I look at these photos of myself on my website. I look so young, so baby-faced, so THIN. I've just been getting fatter and fatter every year. I thought that fat was just something that happened to other people. God, I'll never get laid now. I haven't gotten laid in four years now. Well, unless you count Amanda. Christ, let's not count Amanda. Let's not talk about Amanda, I never even mentioned her name, all right? That's horrifying. Who will want to fuck me now? Maybe I should start exercising. Christ. I'm just not an exercise kind of guy. Making movies is my exercise. If I was going to exercise I would have done it once in the past 26 years. I would have gone to the gym ONCE in the past 26 years, just once. Fuck. It's too late to start now. I am what I am. I'm a guy who sits on his ass on the internet all day. I eat snack food. I don't get out much. And no one wants to fuck me. Christ. I always thought I'd be the next Orson Welles. I guess I got my wish. FFRevolution Asks: How You Doin? How you doin? Yeah, I see you lookin at me. I see your picture on your Myspace account, lookin at me. No, I wasn't stalking you. Just surfin' the Myspace. Lookin at pictures of girls. That ain't stalkin. How you doin? Okay, so you got kind of a weird face. Actually it's a little bit scary now that I look at it. No, it's okay. I think it's okay. I think you're kind of hot. Kind of. Yeah, I could fuck you. Yeah, you're hot. I mean, it's not like I'm gonna do any better. Yeah. How you doin? You wanna go out? You wanna go ... in? Like, back to my place, and then ... or maybe you wanna go back to your place. And then I can go in. Go in, you know what I'm sayin? Yeah, your Myspace profile says you're single. Think I'm gonna friend you. You know what I'm sayin'? Gonna friend you, yeah, gonna message you, I am so smooth. Gonna send a message, and it's gonna send you a message. Like, a message that goes right inbetween your thighs. I'm gonna write you an awesome Myspace message that will make you want to fuck me, right here, right now. The message will make you come to my house and fuck me right now. Yeah, it's gonna be the most awesome message ever. I think I'll call it "How you doin?" Award-Winning Actress Not Actually Acting Anymore Holly Bellow's performance as Marcia in the 2006 MicroBrew Cinefest Best Feature Winner, "Repressing Tomorrow," is the stuff of amateur movie legend. She won Best Actress (Drama) for her performance and rightly so. As a tired housewife who becomes increasingly depressed and disconnected from reality, she really makes you believe that she no longer has any feelings for the man who she's married to and is supposed to love. The character of Marcia walks through her house in a daze, sweat dripping from her forehead in the summer heat, knowing that she doesn't love Bill and that she's no better than an actress playing a part, pretending to be a housewife and doing a bad job of it. The performance is heartbreaking, and made all the more impressive when you realize that Holly Bellow, a talented actress who has appeared in several films before this, wasn't actually acting in most of her scenes. Her look of tired, bored depression was genuine. She really didn't want to be shooting the movie, and sleepwalked through most of it, wishing she was dead. She felt an obligation to director Stuart Cornfield, having starred in his short film "Obligation," but she didn't like the actor playing Bill (Robert K. Andrews, in a wonderfully convincing wooden performance). She thought he was dull and unattractive and wasn't interested in having love scenes with him at all, exactly like the character of Marcia. As the sets (actually the director's crappy apartment) grew increasingly hot and uncomfortable under the lights, Holly Bellow's disinterest and depression grew to an epic level. Her performance is a miracle - she looks like a woman who has lost all hope and joy, because indeed she had. Her failure to give a shit about any part of the production was exactly what the movie needed. Great job Holly! We hope you'll be starring in lots more of Stuart Cornfield's features in the future. Amateur Filmmakers Excited to Meet Sam Raimi The Los Angeles Film Festival was a very special time for a group of lucky young amateur movie directors, who were given a chance to meet Sam Raimi, acclaimed director of the Spider-man and Evil Dead trilogies. "Oh my god, I am so excited," said one filmmaker. "Sam has been a hero of mine since forever. I've been ripping off his work in my own movies since, well, like forever. Since I was in high school and made a shot for shot recreation of the hand scene from Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness. Groovy! He is a legend. He's a great man, just a great great man." When introduced to Mr. Raimi, the filmmaker stuttered and said "You're a legend. You're a great man. Just a great great man." Mr. Raimi said "Thanks," and kept on walking. "Oh my god," said the director. "I just met Sam Raimi. I am so going to blog about this." Which the director proceeded to do. Another director was calmer about the meeting but still excited. "I'm really excited that we got the chance to show our little movies on the big screen with Sam Raimi watching. I mean, Sam Raimi has seen my work, how cool is that? Maybe just a crappy little 2 minute clip of my friend running around in a Spider-man costume, but man ... Sam Raimi! This is a big step for me. I talked to Avi Arad too and he was totally cool. I think this could be a big step forward in my career." The filmmakers then proceeded to get drunk and watched a Battlestar Galactica rerun back in the hotel room before passing out. Sam Raimi Not So Excited to Meet Amateur Filmmakers The Los Angeles Film Festival was a tiring and annoying time for Sam Raimi, acclaimed director of the Spider-man and Evil Dead trilogies. "God, I thought that day would never end," said the now legendary director as he poured himself an overpriced drink in his overpriced hotel room. "I'm so fucking tired. I just want to go home." According to Raimi, the festival was just "15 hours of have you met this guy and can you say hi to these people and would you mind signing this and dear god .... I wanted to leave but they wouldn't let me. Stupid people. Just an endless conga line of stupid, stupid people and everyone's breath stank of alcohol ... which reminds me," said the filmmaker as he poured himself another glass of scotch. "The worst part was this one thing ... Columbia was putting on some thing for these film students. They showed a bunch of shitty little movies of teenagers jumping around in Spider-man costumes or playing with legos or bad animations and I had to smile and nod and act like these weren't the biggest pieces of shit you ever saw. One of the guys had to be like 35, and his movie starred action figures. When I was his age I was making the Evil Dead movies. No classics of cinema admittedly, but I mean, come on. Grow up. Are you retarded or something? I had to say hi and shake all their hands and I was just so tired at that point, just so damn tired. I wanted to die. I mean, you shake these people's hands, you just want to wash your hands afterward." The filmmaker then said "I love you too," hung up the phone and passed out drunk on his hotel room bed while watching a rerun of Battlestar Galactica. Website Celebrates All Amateur Cinema As Long As It's Horror MicroBrew Cinema.com, and its forum, is a shining light in the low budget film community. Updated constantly, and with heavy traffic in the forums, you get all the latest news on hundreds of exciting low budget movies that are being made. In the forums you might even occasionally see a minor celebrity, like Tina Krause, Jasi Cotton Lanier, Trent Haaga or Lloyd Kaufman. The site covers all genres of filmmaking, from drama to comedy to action to horror to sci-fi to western, as long as they're all horror. "We celebrate every kind of Micro-Budget Cinema," said webmaster Herschel Goldberg, who directed the popular short 8001 Freaks back in 2001. "Whether you're making a no budget comedy with your friends or a larger-budget drama and trying to become a pro, we have all sorts of articles and advice here and a community who are always open to anything new and interesting in the world of Micro-Budget Cinema. As long as it's horror. Yeah, gore. Gore, gore, gore. Bloody bloody bloody. Grr, grr, arrghh, stab, stab, kill, stab the girls, stab the pretty girls, blood blood gore, bloody bloody bloody," said the webmaster, before curling into a fetal position on the ground and uttering only a series of feral, indecipherable grunts and growling for the next 45 minutes. At which point we left him to his work. Keep it up guys! Thanks for all you do! Amateur Director Just Giving Up Shit, I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I'm 28 years old now, I'm pushing 30. I can't be making these stupid little movies anymore. My parents got married at 20. They had kids. I haven't had a girlfriend in years. When I was younger, making these stupid movies made a lot more sense. I thought I'd be, you know, making big budget movies by now. I thought I'd be famous. Yeah, shut up, stop laughing. You were thinking the same thing, you thought you'd be famous too. But now I'm 28 years old and no one thinks I'm talented, no one thinks I'm great, and I think I'm pathetic. I look in the mirror, I see a flabby lump of a man. These kids today with their HD cameras. I was making features when they were still wetting themselves. Fuck them. Fuck all of them and fuck their shitty music too. I need to get famous. Yeah, I need to get famous. I'll show the world how great I am. I'll make a movie. I'll make a fucking awesome movie and I'll show everyone and then I'll be famous and rich and making big budget movies, yeah that's it. I'll need an actress, a great actress. No fuck that, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of shooting with people, real people. Actors hate me. Everyone hates me. All my actors quit. I don't want to deal with egos. I don't want to deal with anything. This should be easier than this. Why isn't it easier? I don't need it to be easy but it shouldn't be this goddamn hard. Okay, fuck it. I won't even use an actress. I'll make a fucking great movie and I'll .... I'll have it star a Barbie doll. Yeah, that's it. They'll think it's a fucking work of art. A Barbie doll! Yeah! This is gonna be great. I am such a genius. Filmmaker Moves to L.A., Loses Soul Filmmaker Alan Coleridge is a name that will be familiar to regular readers of this site. Based in Baltimore, Maryland, the prolific Mr. Coleridge first got our attention years ago directing some of our favorite amateur cinema features, from 2001's action drama "The Left Side of Hope" to 1998's comedy classic "Leopard Boy Eats Himself." These groundbreaking little movies, shot for less than nothing, showed a raw level of wit, inventiveness and sheer cinematic energy and passion that is missing from so many multi-million dollar studio films. In 2001, Mr. Coleridge moved to Los Angeles to pursue his dreams, and set about filming his most ambitious project yet, 2004's indie drama "Michael & Magdalene," which took three years to make, has still not been officially released or found a distributor, and has been featured in no film festivals anywhere. We caught up with Mr. Coleridge at his Los Angeles apartment, which he shares with six roommates, none of whom speak English as a first language. "It's hard," said Coleridge. "I'm looking for work. I did a movie with Richard Dean Anderson and Amy Acker. I was 2nd AD. It didn't pay much. There's no air conditioning here. The rent is all right but the neighbors are loud and own guns." We asked Mr. Coleridge what his next project was going to be. "I dunno," he said dully, in a flat voice, his eyes absent any of the sparkle they once possessed. "It's, uh, it's hard. I wrote a thing. I was gonna, but, uh, no, I can't make it. It's too stupid." Mr. Coleridge recently left his girlfriend of three years, Julia Statton .... more accurately she left him, and it wasn't so much recently as two years ago, but he has failed to find a suitable companion since then. "I think about killing myself sometimes. I mean, seriously thinking about it. I never would have thought that. I tried to play their game. I mean, I tried to play their fucking game. I dressed up in a suit, I got serious, y'know, I'll be your monkey, I'll dance for you. Just give me some money. But nobody was hiring. I always thought I had a destiny, that I would be somebody. What a fucking idiot I was. Everybody thinks that. There's ten million people who all think they're gonna be somebody, and they're nobody. And they want to kill you. They all want you dead. They'll make sure you don't succeed. All of them. I'm not paranoid," he said, his voice wavering in the manner of a paranoid fanatic. "I'd say that everyone was against me, but everyone's against everyone. No one cares who I am. I'm no different than anyone, than, than the bum on the street. Two years from now, I'll be that bum. I'll be that bum." For a moment it looked like Mr. Coleridge was going to cry. "No, I don't cry anymore. I don't feel anything. I'm completely numb inside. I'm not Alan Coleridge anymore. You knew him, you met him. That's not who I am. I'm nobody now. I'm a hollow husk of a man, a hard shell that still looks kind of like the man who used to be inside it, but there's nothing in there. I'm an empty shell. Just an empty shell. Oh god, Julia, I miss you so much," said Coleridge, crying into his pillow, referring to his former girlfriend. We wish Mr. Coleridge the best of luck in sunny, exciting L.A.! Richard Dean Anderson? Exciting stuff! We look forward to more wackiness from Alan in the future. Alvin & The Chipmunks Trailer Signals End of Life As We Know It Twentieth Century Fox has big hopes for its upcoming film Alvin & The Chipmunks, starring Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) and coming this Christmas. They debuted the trailer in late July with the long-anticipated The Simpsons Movie, ensuring it would be seen by the widest possible audience, both young and old. As Jason Lee shouted "Alvin ... Alvin ... ALVIIN!" in an unconvincing performance, the camera pushing in on his mouth, some grumbling could be heard in the audience. But as the trailer closed on an extended gag involving Alvin eating Theodore's feces and pretending to like it, suddenly the skies above the theaters showing the trailer were seen to open, revealing clouds and a bright light overhead, as a booming voice said, "All right, that's it, you're done." Yes, the voice was that of God himself, who apparently wasn't a fan of seeing a computer-generated talking chipmunk in a children's film eating another computer-generated talking chipmunk's shit. "Look, I'm stopping this," said the normally-reclusive deity. "This human race, all human life on the planet earth, I'm stopping this, because you're just not doing it right." God could be now be seen sitting on His majestic cloud-covered throne, his face a bright ray of light which didn't burn the eyes but masked His timeless features. "Some of you seem to think that living on this planet is a right I give to just anybody. But it's a privilege. You have to earn it. I've sat back all these years. I've sat through wars, crime, Jew killing Arab, Arab killing Arab, Jew killing Jew. I've sat by and I haven't said a thing. But these days I see Paris Hilton calling people niggers, and people calling Paris Hilton famous. I see Britney Spears. I hear her music. I see her freaking shaved head. I see the stupidest, most useless members of your society praised as gods. You turned Jessica Simpson into someone famous and beloved. You turn idiots into your idols, and you bow down before them. And now ... CGI Alvin & The Chipmunks? With the guy from Mallrats? And Alvin eats Theodore's poop? Screw this, I'm done with you guys. I'm putting the lizards back in charge," said God as He snapped His mighty fingers and caused the whole of the planet earth to be engulfed in a gigantic, all-consuming flood which caused all of humanity to perish. "Oh, and speaking of which," said God, looking at the flooding, "Evan Almighty sucked too." All text by Garrett Gilchrist. Site designed by Warren Blyth and maintained by Garrett Gilchrist. All pictures stolen from their respective owners. Orange Cow Productions, 2001-2007.