Parlor Director Warren Blyth here, reporting from deep inside the editor's embalming room at Funeral Home Entertainment studios. I'm half way through editing my first wedding video (and i need a break. thus... typitey type type) I'm putting this video together for money, people! For fifty dollars in fact! That's 10 packs of cigarrettes, yo! I might be almost a year late with the video, but when it is done this baby should support my artistic endeavors! For roughly ten days or so!
*cough*
I just thought it would be appropriate to share my first experience with video money making, and maybe broaden your view of the amateur video picture a little. ...what? ...focus.
I mean to say that if you've got a camera, or claim to be a movie maker, people will try to get you to shoot their precious weddings.
Here is my quick survival guide.
Making Money
as an Amateur Video Artist Volume 1 : The Prestigious Wedding Video
Step One : Haggle
Never agree to make a wedding video for less than 500 bucks. Sure you may not think your skills are worth more than 50 bucks, and you definitely should have no experience with the process if you're a hip fastforwarder like me, but you are going to spend a lot of time stressing over it and putting it off. So get enough money on the line to make sure it matters.
Also, after you have settled on a price, ask for more money to cover all the tapes and supplies you'll need for the shoot. Remember that filmmaking laymen (those who get married or have functioning relationships) all think digital video tapes cost 50 bucks a pop. And remember that they are also fucking clownshoes with deep pockets.
Step Two : Preparation
Only bring your shitty camera and one tape to the ceremony you will be taping. You don't need a mic. or a tripod. or any game plan for shooting it. or a crew to help out. or extra tapes (would you even WANT to shoot for more than one hour? no. will the damned ceremony drag on? yes. think ahead). In the end you're going to have the blair witch on tape, so why stress over preparation? Everything can be improved in the magical editor you don't own or have access to.
Step Three : Costuming
Make sure you dress like Goofy and have a bizarrely disturbing haircut. I went for the "nearly shaven head with only a muff triangle for curly bangs" look. My head looked like female genitalia! Also, i wore a tight nine inch nails t-shirt to show off my jolly beer gut, with a tacky grey sports coat to suggest : i just might be that white trash relative you've heard so much about. Of grave importance are the converse tennis you will be wearing, as they will suggest that you secretly rock when you shop for shoes. Everyone knows you can't make movies without the converse all star.
Acheiving the proper Scary Video Artist look will ensure that everyone you catch on camera will look perplexed and frown in your direction. This is the key to capturing the truth of that special day.
Step Four : Modern Meditation
Get good and shitfaced on champagne before they're finished setting up the chairs. This way you will have a well prepared mind for art makin', and no one will ask you to help out with setup. If you drink enough you'll likely have a Barf-Break excuse right in the middle of the I Do's.
Think ahead people!
Step Five : Network
Hang out with the wedding photographers. they will have some idea what they are doing, but after enough banter you will realize they are clueless idiots, just like you, and you won't worry as much about the quality of your video. It might be wise to ask them where they'll be setting up and shooting from during the ceremony, so you can call them Lying Fucks at the end of the day.
As the bride walks down the aisle, these cretins are gonna run into you and fall over and start cursing. So it is wise to get to know them ahead of time. The friendly old bitch photographer at my wedding muttered "we're gonna have to put fucking bells on you," after she tripped over me. Her chubby hubby then suggested i call out where i am when i move around, so that i could improve both the ceremony and my video's audio at the same time. They are wise wise bastards. Be wise to their bastard tricks.
Step Six : Coverage
Start shooting everyone's cleavage, crotches, and asses. this is a time honored funeral home entertainment approach to shooting boring video. Nothing reassures you that you are a true video artist like the look of an 80 year old woman who just realized you were taping her 40 year old ass. Later on you will record over the useable raw footage with SpecialFX tests for your friend Alan's jedi fan film, so stock up on them thar underage panty shots.
Naughty shots in general will also ensure that you never let anyone see the raw footage. So try to make sure your best shots are of the groom looking worried, or of relatives dropping racist jokes. This will scare everyone who didn't already notice you were dressed like a homeless freak, and should serve to spice up the final video cut when it seems juuuust a bit too sappy.
Step Seven : Jingle Jangles
Avoid asking the happy couple if they've any music they'd like in the video. in this modern day of cd burning, you're likely to end up with 4 cds of bad music that has been prioritized by emotional importance*. (*: i'm not shitting you**.)(**: fuuuuuck.). Half of these music suggestions will be country music. There will be no sane way to break it to the happy couple that your video will be less than 10 minutes long, and you plan to set it to an ass bumping 80's song like Oingo Boingo's Weird Science.
Seriously, all your good shots will be less than 2 seconds long and the bride will want you to edit the thing to a twenty minute slow duet country love song. But they paid you the damned money, so you pick the damned music. if they want to pick the music, or to have any say in the video editing process, charge them another 500 bucks. then stop taking their calls.
Sidenote: If they wonder why there is no actual audio from the ceremony, laugh at them. Or tell them you wonder why they had their ceremony outdoors when hurricane warnings were in effect. Or better yet, record a director's commentary track to explain all the choices you made while putting their fuct video together.
Step Eight : Completion
Have a discreet stranger drop the finished video off on their doorstep, after midnight, so the fools won't have any way to discuss it with you. God forbid they ask to watch the video in your presence. god forbid. This will lead to a menage a trois, and end their still blossoming marriage.
If they will only pay you after the video is finished, then "accidentally" bring the wrong tape, and try to trade it for the money like they do in hollywood movies (ie, hold the movie in your right hand and have them hold the cash in their right hand, then try to swap at the exact same time. is there a phrase for this swapping procedure? hmm.).
Once you've got the money, head back to your car and deliver the real video to their doorstep from the security of your speeding getaway.
This will also ensure that they don't try to ask you to make a copy for each relative who slept through the damned wedding. That is their job. You are an artist and too good for cranking out copies.
And that is all, Kiddy Twinkies. Eight easy steps.
Soon you will not only be rich and happy, but all fellow fast forwarding video artist's will envy your wise forray into profitting off your gullible local buddies.
hopefully more articles will follow. that will not involve weddings.
