TWO OF THE WORST PLAYS EVER WRITTEN

By Garrett Gilchrist and Alley Ernst

This was written via instant message improv.

[FEMALE is typing quietly to herself as MALE enters.]

MALE: Hi.

FEMALE: Hi there!

MALE: What are you doing?

FEMALE: typing quietly to myself as you entered the door. what are you doing?

MALE: Er, standing. [looks about him] Do you hear that?

FEMALE: oh, thats just my boss, dont worry.

MALE: But it's -- it's rather, well, rather loud ....

MALE: may I ask you a question?

FEMALE: sure!

FEMALE: its loud because they didnt close the door

MALE: what is that man doing and is there any way of stopping it?

FEMALE: i think its called self-gratification and not unless you want to interrupt...

MALE: Hmm. [crosses stage-left and closes the door]

MALE: I think we may or may not need to talk. What do you think?

FEMALE: im up for talking. i just finished using my fanny-floss and frankly im in a good mood

MALE: Yes, well. I got some mail from the credit card people today.

MALE: did you buy 697 dollars worth of soap last month?

FEMALE: oh yes! borax soap to be exact. it was the only way to get the smell out

MALE: smell?

FEMALE: yes the smell. im never lending my girdles out again!

MALE: You .... do still understand that the charge cards are still under my name?

MALE: Still?

FEMALE: yes but when yer name's miranda they dont realize youre male...

MALE: It makes no matter anyway. I'm cancelling them this month. Where's Billy?

FEMALE: last time i saw him he was in my boss's office... hmmm....

MALE: Oh GOD! BILLY!!!

MALE: [runs into office, a male scream is heard, BOSS runs out, clutching his trousers]

MALE: [MALE comes back out, hyperventilating]

MALE: He's not IN there.

FEMALE: {peeks into office}

FEMALE: thank god.

MALE: Wh- where is my son??

FEMALE: d hate to think they were ALL gay...

FEMALE: try the bathtub

MALE: It's YOUR influence!!

MALE: You and your --- AARGHH!

MALE: I don't even want to talk about it.

MALE: How you got custody I'll never understand

FEMALE: ME?

FEMALE: how dare you!

MALE: The courts did it, don't blame me

MALE: Are you supporting him? I mean, you're not still [coughs] working .... at that place .... are you?

FEMALE: hey, who had the statutory rape charges files against them, HUH?

FEMALE: of course im working htere!

MALE: You!

FEMALE: he was 18...

MALE: You were 12.

FEMALE: you were too nosy!

MALE: You were too -- I -- I don't know what you are.

MALE: I see your taste in clothes hasn't changed.

FEMALE: im friendly

FEMALE: whats wrong with corsets?

MALE: I only hope you don't drive our son to the same depths you drove every other man in your life.

FEMALE: oh you know you enjoyed it...

MALE: That's beside the point. Look, Jean-Luc is waiting in the car, and frankly I just want to get in here and get out with my son. Take him to a stable home for the weekend.

FEMALE: jean-luc?

MALE: my ... my live-in friend.

FEMALE: oh and youre worried about billy staying with ME

MALE: well, yes I am.

MALE: so anyway .... BILLY !

MALE: BILLY, are you there??

FEMALE: ?

MALE: Oh god, BILLY!!

MALE: His tricycle is gone, and there are bloodstained TRACKS leading away from where it was!

MALE: now are you saying that's not your influence?

MALE: a six-year=old should not be going out to bars with hell;s angels

FEMALE: at least they engage in heterosexual activities...

MALE: you know, I was a successful, well-adjusted man when I met you.

MALE: daddy had set me up to be a major broker

MALE: i had a girlfriend who loved me

MALE: a good car, good salary

MALE: and then ......

FEMALE: oh blame it all on me

MALE: i just did, thanks

MALE: i can't even pick up my son to take him back to the cardboard box me and my gay stripper lover call home!

FEMALE: gay STRIPPER????

MALE: Oh, like you wouldn't know. I mean, for God's sakes, what would daddy say? I'm almost happy you shot him

FEMALE: shut the fuck up

MALE: I will, thanks. But first I want to tell you about the hell you've made my life.

MALE: I want to tell you everything, I want to scream it from the rooftops what a tragedy of a human being you are

MALE: And then I want to bludgeon you to death with a savings and loan paperweight, just like you did to mummy.

FEMALE: at ekast im dating a LAWYER

FEMALE: and that was never proved

MALE: GRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

MALE: .... take me. now.

FEMALE: GGGRRRAAAAAAHHHHH yerself fucko

FEMALE: i knew you would say that

MALE: shut up and kiss me, you swine

FEMALE: you first, bucko

MALE: [jumps on her and makes thrusting actions]

FEMALE: (does this have to get graphic?)

MALE: (well, it can be a one-acter. wanna end it?)

FEMALE: (sure :-) and they live happily ever after

MALE: indeed

MALE: "billy was killed in vietnam. jean-luc is now a spokesmodel for calvin klein ..."

FEMALE: hmmm...

MALE: you want to try another?

[a park bench. curtain opens up on MALE and FEMALE, who are sitting on same bench. Male looks a bit impatient, Female simply bored. thunder is heard in the distance.]

FEMALE: theyre coming! theyre coming!

MALE: No they're not.

FEMALE: Yes! Run! DIDNTY YOU SEE STARSHIP TROOPERS??????

MALE: Oh, come on. Sit down and wait for the bus.

FEMALE: Bus? Where? Where am I going?

MALE: We're going to the office.

MALE: Like every day for the past 3 months, remember?

FEMALE: but.. but..

FEMALE: what about the fair?

MALE: There is no fair. Be quiet, don't get too excited. You heard what Mr. Whinfrey said.

FEMALE: lather, rinse, repeat

MALE: No .......... that's what the Suave commercial said.

MALE: MR. WHINFREY said that you needed to watch your stress levels.

MALE: Clearly he was right.

FEMALE: ahhh... what did Oprah have to ssay about that?

MALE: Er, eat a lot but pretend to exercise so you can stay in the pages of People.

MALE: Ah, there's the bus.

MALE: no, not our bus.

MALE: now it's gone.

FEMALE: why is it flying?

MALE: damn.

FEMALE: why did it go?

MALE: it's not flying if the bus stays on the ground, Linda ....

MALE: It went because it has other people to pick up. Other happy shiny people.

FEMALE: holding hands...

MALE: Well, yes.

MALE: Right, let's try something -- Repeat after me: Take the car, to the bar.

FEMALE: a man walked into a bar

FEMALE: ouch

MALE: Well, let's try something simpler --- the bunny wasn't funny.

FEMALE: energizer...

FEMALE: run away!

MALE: [coughs, takes out notebook]

n-o-p-r-o-g-r-e-s-s.....

FEMALE: what are you writing????

MALE: Er, nothing. A poem. So, you still persist in this story that you were .... kidnapped by aliens from long island?

FEMALE: yes, manhasset

FEMALE: theyre still there. theyre in nassau coliseum. thats the real reason the Isles moved out

MALE: You connect aliens to sports, don't you?

FEMALE: hocket was invented by Martians you know

MALE: now yes. Have you often had trouble with men in your life?

MALE: seeing them as -- outsiders, as unreachable, even sinister?

FEMALE: yes. theres somethign wrong with them.

MALE: I see.

MALE: [writing] i-n-c-u-r-a-b-l-e .....

MALE: I think we're making progress.

FEMALE: they are hairy and they have low voices and they have tree trunks between their legs...

MALE: The aliens?

FEMALE: no the men. the aliens are green and slimy

MALE: describe them at length, please.

FEMALE: theyre big

FEMALE: and green

FEMALE: with toes, lots of toes

MALE: yes ..

MALE: any other distinguishing characteristics?

FEMALE: very long tongues

MALE: [fidgets a bit] ..... and?

FEMALE: thats it

FEMALE: Oh!

MALE: ah. now these aliens, did they ... talk to you?

FEMALE: and nipples

FEMALE: they had lots of nipples

MALE: n-i-p-p-l-e-s.

MALE: [does not write it down]

FEMALE: no they didnt talk. they just hummed. they hummed 'camptown races' to be exact...

MALE: they didn't .... tell you of any plans?

FEMALE: ohyes!

FEMALE: the yanks will win the Series this year!

MALE: indeed

MALE: but nothing non-sports related.

MALE: nothing ..... more specific?

FEMALE: hmmm

FEMALE: yes

MALE: ..... yes??

FEMALE: yes

FEMALE: good music

MALE: but nothing more sinister ever came up.

MALE: I mean, uh .........

MALE: they didn't mention plan 49-B, to enslave the pitiful stinking humans and force them to build their lukewarm fusion reactor in an effort to turn the entire planet of earth into a floating space station to serve as their home planet of thanagar's private mind-control satellite?

FEMALE: nikita khrushchev

MALE: ......... hm?

FEMALE: the leader. looked like him.

FEMALE: i think nuclear war is in the future

MALE: yes ..... yes .... i've been told he ...... uh, he does.

FEMALE: YES!

FEMALE: oh and WHO too

FEMALE: they want roger daltrey

MALE: all right. nuclear war, yes.. and the who. I think we're making progress.

MALE: [writes] c-o-n-t-i-n-u-e-w-i-t-h-p-l-a-n-49-b

FEMALE: wait a sec

MALE: [sound of a bus arriving]

FEMALE: maiong progress with what?

MALE: I think that's our bus

FEMALE: uh-uh

MALE: Come on, it's time to go to the office -- I think we need, uh, further testing.

FEMALE: nope

MALE: Come on ...........

FEMALE: no. no way

FEMALE: i thin kyoure a Communist

MALE: A ..........

FEMALE: B

MALE: indeed. well, fine, I'm [laughs] I'm a communist. can we go now?

MALE: [grabs her arm]

FEMALE: ill bet yer a fascist too

FEMALE: [pulls away]

MALE: yep, that's me, come on ....

MALE: [is pulling her onto the bus with unnatural grip]

FEMALE: heeeeeelp

MALE: now, calm down. stress, remember?

MALE: hello, busdriver.

FEMALE: lather, rinse, repeat

MALE: [bus driver grunts. he flips her some change.]

MALE: Repeat, yes. In a few minutes. Indeed.

MALE: [doors close]

FEMALE: as long as you say so, Daddy...

MALE: [bus drives away]