THIRTEEN
by Garrett Gilchrist
(We open on a smallish suburban bedroom with two beds in it. It is a young girls' room, decorated visibly on one half with a computer and television, and pictures of the latest teen idols on the walls, overdecorated, a thirteen-year old's room ... the other half is barely decorated at all ... occupied by a more mature girl who spends very little time there. There is a dresser and a bureau, and a toy chest, on which old and dusty stuffed animals rest. Both beds have too many pillows on them.)
(EMILY, thirteen years of age, sits at the computer, instant messaging with someone. She is dressed fashionably for a girl of her age ... a bare midriff and a simple colorful but dark style, fashion inspired by MTV surely. She has a lot of energy, left over from childhood, though she is trying to look like a sullen teenager.)
(RICHARD, a shy, thin, awkward, socially impaired but not entirely unhandsome young man of twenty-one years of age, walks into the doorway. He looks around, then knocks on the already-open door. Emily looks at him.)
EMILY
You don't have to knock if the door's open.
RICHARD
Is Samantha in?
EMILY
In? You say in?
RICHARD
You're her little sister, right?
EMILY
If you want to know if she's here, ask if she's here. Don't say in, this isn't an office and she isn't a doctor. (She stands up out of her chair.) You were here last night, weren't you? I heard you two from the other room.
(Richard slouches across the other edge of the doorframe.)
RICHARD
No, I wasn't here. Last night - I was here, um, a week ago.
EMILY
Must've been someone else then. Yeah, he had a manlier voice than you do. Cuter too, I think. I only saw him briefly. He was bigger, had muscles, like a football guy.
(Richard's brow furrows. He takes a few long steps into the room, toward Emily. He towers over her. He looks down at her.)
RICHARD
Is she here or not?
EMILY
She isn't, sadly. All you get is me.
RICHARD
I left my Physics textbook with her. Um, actually she wanted to borrow it for the week. I kinda need it back now, because we've got some homework due.
(Emily walks toward him.)
EMILY
My name's Emily.
(He walks forward. She backs off.)
RICHARD
Have you seen it?
EMILY
Who cares?
RICHARD
It's a thick blue book, about this big (indicates shape of book with his hands), has a picture of a red volcano on the cover.
EMILY
A RED volcano. Wow.
(Richard ignores her, and looks around the room. He looks up.)
EMILY
If the book's here, it's not on the ceiling.
RICHARD
I didn't get to see her room when I was here.
EMILY
I'm sure the book's around here somewhere. She didn't take it with her.
RICHARD
Where did she go?
EMILY
I don't know, off to fuck some guy, I'm sure.
(Richard steps toward her.)
RICHARD
You've got a smart mouth for a little girl.
EMILY
Teachers always said I was smart.
(Emily looks away from him, and sticks her tongue into her cheek. She looks at Samantha's bed.)
EMILY
Look under the bed.
(Richard hesitates a moment, then kneels down and crawls under the bed. He feels around.)
EMILY
You move like a spider.
(Emily walks toward him and looks down.)
RICHARD
(from under bed) I don't see it.
EMILY
You got a nice ass.
(Richard looks up, and bangs his head on the bed.)
RICHARD
Ow! Fuck!
(Emily laughs. Richard gets out from under the bed and stands up, rubbing his head.)
RICHARD
Don't laugh. What the fuck did you say?
(Emily laughs again.)
RICHARD
What the hell?
EMILY
You're such a dork, you know that? When you're trying to be tough and scary you're even dorkier. I bet you're the biggest dork at your school.
RICHARD
You talk like that around your sister?
EMILY
Just because you're a big college boy you think I'm afraid of you? You're the biggest dork at your school and you come here and think you can push me around?
RICHARD
How old are you?
EMILY
How old are you?
RICHARD
I'm twenty-one.
EMILY
I'm fourteen. I'll be fourteen, four weeks from now.
RICHARD
And you got a big mouth.
EMILY
Jesus Christ, you talk like a villain in some 40s gangster movie.
(Richard sighs.)
RICHARD
I just want to find my book.
(He turns away from her and looks at the bureaus. He points at one.)
RICHARD
Is that her dresser?
EMILY
Yeah.
(Richard walks toward it and starts opening up the drawers.)
EMILY
There's nothing in it but underwear, though.
(Richard continues going through it.)
EMILY
Sure, of course. You wanna look at her underwear. Be nicer if you could see her wearing it, huh?
RICHARD
Leave me alone.
EMILY
All I said was that you were a dork. I coulda called you plenty worse things. It's not even a dirty word. Well, it sort of is. Actually, dork is supposed to be a synonym for penis. Like, dick. Cock.
(Richard stops going through the drawers, in frustration. He stands and closes the bottom drawer with his foot.)
EMILY
You've still got a nice ass.
(Richard turns around in exasperation.)
RICHARD
(to no one in particular) What the fuck?
EMILY
You shouldn't swear like that. You talk like that around my sister?
(Richard walks past Emily, and out of the room.)
EMILY
Wait a second.
(Richard stops.)
EMILY
I think the book's in her desk.
(Richard turns and looks at Emily suspiciously.)
EMILY
I'm sorry about what I said. I was just playing.
(Richard walks back into the room and starts going through Emily's desk.)
EMILY
That's not her desk, it's mine.
(Richard pauses a moment, and then continues rummaging through the desk.)
EMILY
Don't go through my things!
(Emily runs toward him and tries to pull him away from her desk. He pushes her away.)
EMILY
Stop it!
(She rushes at him and he pushes her away and knocks her a few feet back. She hits the chair and falls on her knee.)
EMILY
Ow! Fuck!
RICHARD
Oh, geez, sorry.
(Richard kneels down to help her up, but she is already standing.)
RICHARD
Are you all right?
EMILY
I could sue you for that. You're such a fucking bully. Do you always do this, pick on people just because they're a little younger than you?
RICHARD
No. I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me.
EMILY
You'd be cuter if you weren't such a prick.
(Richard gives a little angry sigh.)
EMILY
Her desk, by process of elimination, is the other one. In case you couldn't figure it out by yourself.
(Richard walks toward the other desk. He pulls out drawers.)
EMILY
You like her, don't you? You think she's sexy. All the guys do. Everybody likes her because she's got big tits.
RICHARD
Why do you say things like that?
EMILY
I'm just making conversation.
RICHARD
Please, stop. You're annoying me.
(Richard continues going through the drawers.)
EMILY
But you obviously like her. That's why you came over to study with her. You don't have a chance with her, you know.
(Richard shuts one of the drawers very sharply and angrily. Emily goes through some drawers at her own desk.)
EMILY
She could have any guy there. Guys much more handsome than you. Not that she cares. She's never had a serious relationship with a guy. I don't even think she likes guys all that much.
(Richard closes the last drawer and turns around exasperated.)
RICHARD
Could you ... stop talking?
(Emily pulls a book out of her desk.)
EMILY
Is this your book?
RICHARD
No. Mine is blue. Has a red volcano on the cover.
EMILY
Yeah. Right. Sorry.
(Emily puts the book back. Richard is walking away. She points to the corner of the room.)
EMILY
Her bookbag is over there, by the toy chest.
(Richard walks toward it.)
EMILY
She's got a fat ass.
(Richard picks up the bookbag and opens it.)
EMILY
A disgusting ass. Cellulite. Her ass is lumpy, you know, all around the edges, just like cottage cheese.
(Richard rummages through the bookbag.)
EMILY
She's got these kinda jowls around the corners of her mouth, it's really subtle but if you look at her long enough it's like her face is melting off.
(Richard zips the bookbag back up and tosses it to the ground. He looks up at Emily.)
EMILY
And her breath smells like ass, because she smokes all the time. She's pretty now but she's gonna look like shit in five years.
RICHARD
The book's not in there.
EMILY
No shit.
RICHARD
When will Samantha be back?
EMILY
Not til late. She goes out drinking all night.
RICHARD
Well, tell her I was here. It's too late now, since the assignment is due, but she can still get it back to me.
(Richard starts to walk away.)
EMILY
What's your name?
RICHARD
Richard.
EMILY
Richard. Dick. Cock.
(Richard shakes his head, and starts to walk away.)
EMILY
I know where your book is, Richard.
(Richard turns around.)
RICHARD
Where is it?
EMILY
I called you Richard.
RICHARD
I know, where's the book?
(He walks toward her.)
EMILY
I used your name, it's the least you could do to ask nicely and use mine.
(He continues to walk toward her. She backs away.)
RICHARD
Do you have my book?
EMILY
Do you have my book, Emily.
RICHARD
That's your name, Emily?
EMILY
I already said that, but I guess you weren't listening.
RICHARD
Do you have my book, Emily?
EMILY
No.
(Richard glares at her.)
EMILY
But it's in this house and I know where it is.
RICHARD
Can I have it?
EMILY
What's the point?
RICHARD
I want my book.
EMILY
No, you want to fuck my sister. Or at least get close enough to her so that you can stare down her shirt and accidentally brush against her shoulder, her blonde hair. You look to me like a smart guy and smart guys don't worry this much about homework, and my sister is an idiot so the only reason you wanted to study with her is because she's got huge tits, and just now I seem to remember that my sister's Physics class isn't until Friday so you don't need your book now and so the only reason you needed to come here and pick it up now was because you were hoping she'd be here and you could talk to her and look at her tits again.
RICHARD
No, I came here because I want my book, and I don't want to walk all the way across town again to get it, so I want it now.
EMILY
But you're disappointed she wasn't here.
RICHARD
Yes, of course I'm disappointed, because her not being here means I have to talk to you.
EMILY
Oh, that hurts, Richard. Dick. Dick the prick. You're a dick, Dick. How big's your dick, Dick? I'm so sad to hear you don't want to talk to me. Apparently I don't have big enough tits to be talked to.
(Richard is walking toward Emily. She backs away.
RICHARD
Where's the book?
EMILY
It's not as if Sammy can talk anyway, girl can hardly form a sentence without using "like," and "uh," and "you know?" But slap two tits on her and suddenly she becomes a great conversationalist. A study partner.
(Richard stops.)
RICHARD
The book. Blue cover, red volcano on it.
EMILY
No. I'm not telling you where the book is until you talk to me like a human being.
RICHARD
Why should I? You haven't treated me like one.
EMILY
I was just playing around.
RICHARD
Of course. Playing. You're a kid, you're thirteen.
EMILY
Fourteen.
RICHARD
Thirteen.
EMILY
I'll be fourteen in four weeks. Why do you act like you're better than me?
RICHARD
We're speaking as human beings. You want to know the truth?
EMILY
Yeah.
RICHARD
Because I remember when I was thirteen and I didn't know shit. But I thought I did. I was an annoying little punk when I was thirteen, and so are you.
EMILY
Okay, I can deal with that. You're a prejudiced, bigoted asshole, but I guess I can deal with that. I think I'm pretty smart, but I guess I don't get to talk to many people your age, I don't know how you college kids think. I guess you measure smarts on a different scale when all you do is drink and fuck, right?
RICHARD
I don't drink.
EMILY
Do you fuck?
RICHARD
You ask a lot of personal questions.
EMILY
Would you fuck me?
RICHARD
Oh god! You're really sick.
EMILY
Okay, yeah, I know, you're twenty-one, and technically sex with an underage girl is illegal. I'm just talking hypothetical here. Just, if you were fourteen too, if you were just a punk kid and you saw me walking down the street, would you think I was cute? Hell, even now, do you find me attractive?
RICHARD
You're fourteen.
EMILY
Ah! That's a yes!
RICHARD
No it isn't.
EMILY
Yes it is. You're saying if I wasn't fourteen, I'd be attractive.
RICHARD
No, that's not what I said.
EMILY
I think I'm gonna be better looking than she is. Actually, I can guarantee it. I don't have the jowls, or the cottage cheese ass. I got a cuter nose. Bigger, lighter eyes. You know her hair isn't even naturally blonde. She dyes it. Doesn't even do a good job. Freshman year her hair was orange.
RICHARD
I don't care.
EMILY
Look at my chest. (She rubs her chest.) That's a boob. My boobs started coming in earlier than most of the girls in the class. That means they're gonna be big. By the time I'm sixteen I'm gonna have amazing tits.
RICHARD
I talked to you like a human. Can I have my book back now?
EMILY
No, not until you admit that in a couple of years, I am going to be a huge babe.
RICHARD
Why do you feel the need to put me through hell like this?
EMILY
Because I think you're cute.
RICHARD
Cute.
EMILY
Yeah. When you first walked through that door, before you started being a huge asshole, I thought you were really cute. Maybe just because you're older, or because you had that awkward way about you .... but you know, I kinda wanted you. I guess I'm always attracted to older guys. I start to get into pounce mode, I wanna grab 'em. It takes me a second to realize they'll never in a million years be attracted to me. And that's kinda disappointing, you know?
RICHARD
Don't you like any guys your age?
EMILY
There are no guys my age. You know, women mature faster than boys do. Puberty hits boys slow. And for a while all it does to them is make them smell bad. Smell worse, anyway. Boys at my school, they're thirteen, fourteen, but they still act like they're ... nine. Picking their noses, dicking around on skateboards. They don't know shit about sex, about women. They don't even talk to girls. At all. They're too nervous and stupid to look at us. I'm not attracted to any of them. I don't want them. I want a man, not a baby. (she shrugs, turns her head and thinks a moment. she laughs.) Funny, that's exactly what Samantha says about the guys at college. That they're all little boys, not men. (She looks up at Richard.) But you look like a man to me.
RICHARD
And you look like a very strange little girl. (He looks down.) Speaking as a human being, I'm sorry you're unhappy with the boys in your school. But that's no reason to take your frustrations out on me.
EMILY
I just wanted to know if you thought I was cute.
RICHARD
I think you will be, someday.
EMILY
As cute as my sister?
RICHARD
Probably. And you'll find a nice boy. And you'll be happy.
(Emily looks down and nods her head.)
EMILY
Don't bullshit me.
RICHARD
What?
EMILY
You don't believe in that shit. Love, shit working out. You're as unhappy as anybody. You don't have a girl, shit didn't work out for you, you're hanging around my sister.
RICHARD
Nothing wrong with that.
EMILY
You're a geek at school, right? I was right about that, right?
(Richard shrugs.)
EMILY
Right?
RICHARD
I wasn't popular in high school. Actually, I was really unpopular, but in college I'm pretty popular.
EMILY
You get laid?
RICHARD
That's a personal question.
EMILY
It's important. I'd like to know.
RICHARD
I don't get laid. Recently. I'm not a virgin. I haven't found anyone special at college.
EMILY
Special? College is about drinking and smoking pot and getting laid all the time.
RICHARD
No it isn't. That's a stereotype.
EMILY
Not for my sister it isn't. Not for all the guys on frat row it isn't.
RICHARD
Fraternities are disgusting.
EMILY
Well, what do you go to college for?
RICHARD
For college. To get my degree.
EMILY
Do you like your classes?
RICHARD
Some of them. Not really. Most of them suck.
EMILY
So you're not taking your education seriously.
RICHARD
I get good grades. It's not that hard. Classes are bullshit, but I go to every one.
EMILY
So your classes are easy, and take up 1/10th of your time. What else do you do?
RICHARD
I'm not sure what you're getting at.
EMILY
You're not drinking, you're not smoking pot ...
RICHARD
I don't smoke. And I drink occasionally, but I don't like beer.
EMILY
You don't party, and you're not getting laid.
RICHARD
You're venturing into personal territory again.
EMILY
You're a geek and you're never going to be able to fuck my sister. Ever. Not in a billion years, not in any conceivable alternate universe, never. And you haven't met any other women who'll have you. So why not?
RICHARD
(flatly) What not what?
EMILY
Why shouldn't we go out? You and a younger chick. We'd be perfect for each other. Because we both can't get anybody else.
(Silence, for a moment.)
RICHARD
You're really sick.
EMILY
I know.
RICHARD
Pathetic, even.
EMILY
Maybe.
(Silence.)
EMILY
It wouldn't be illegal to just kiss me.
RICHARD
Are you done?
EMILY
Sure.
(Richard turns away and looks around the room.)
RICHARD
So where's my book?
EMILY
It's on top of the chair, in the corner.
(Emily points. The book is very obviously sitting on a chair in the corner. Richard walks over to it. He picks it up, and looks at it.)
RICHARD
It was here this whole time.
EMILY
Yeah.
RICHARD
I didn't see it just sitting there?
EMILY
Guess not.
RICHARD
How did I miss it?
EMILY
Dunno.
RICHARD
No, how could I possibly have not seen the book sitting right there?
EMILY
Maybe you're just a big idiot.
RICHARD
Maybe.
(A pause. Richard shrugs. Holding the book he walks out the door. A pause, then he turns back.)
RICHARD
I'm sorry.
EMILY
Me too.
RICHARD
Guess we both acted like idiots.
EMILY
Yeah.
RICHARD
I won't come here again. You're right about Samantha. She's a bad study partner.
EMILY
And she's got a cottage cheesy ass.
RICHARD
I wouldn't know.
(Silence. Richard and Emily look down.)
RICHARD
Thanks for saying I was cute.
EMILY
Do I get anything for finding your book?
RICHARD
No.
EMILY
I want a kiss.
(A pause. Richard gives Emily a very tiny peck on the cheek, and then turns and walks away. Emily chases him.)
EMILY
Hey!
(Richard turns.)
RICHARD
Yeah?
EMILY
That was a crappy kiss.
(Emily grabs him and kisses him full on the lips, and doesn't let go. A silence as they share one, long, weird kiss. Emily then breaks away. Silence.)
RICHARD
The hell you do that for?
EMILY
Dunno.
(Silence.)
RICHARD
You taste like Halloween candy.
EMILY
Well, I am a kid. I'm only thirteen, you know.
(Richard nods his head.)
RICHARD
I know.
(He walks away, and out the door. He exits.)
(Emily is alone for a moment, and then giggles. She hops excitedly up onto her bed, and lies there, staring up at the ceiling, a smile on her face, thinking about the future.)