STAN & DEADMAN'S MOVIE THING

a script

First Draft begun 10/16/99, finished 5/24/00

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SCENE

1 1

STAN

You could just start it there.

DEADMAN

No, I don't think you could.

STAN

Well, you could if you wanted.

DEADMAN

Are we gonna start it here? ... Yeah.

STAN

Well, we've gotta, we can't start it that way, if you're gonna do a movie

you kind of, uh, have to do it with a sense of style.

DEADMAN

Oh, like one of those things like Orson Welles did in Touch of Evil, with

the long, complicated tracking shot that doesn't end until the whole plot's

been set up.

STAN

We could do that, but ...

DEADMAN

But we don't ...

STAN

But we don't have time to set that up ...

DEADMAN

No, but, uh, we've got ...

STAN

We don't have ...

DEADMAN

We've got the camera on rails, and we can ...

STAN

We can dolly it ...

DEADMAN

We can, we can have, uh ...

STAN

... have the cameraman do the running thing up to us, and then we ...

DEADMAN

Well, it's not exactly a great shot, I mean it's just us in a studio,

anybody can do that ...

STAN

Anybody, not anybody. We're doing it.

DEADMAN

Who are we?

STAN

We are, well, we're two guys who've got a movie.

DEADMAN

Yeah, and the camera's running, and ...

STAN

... people watch it ...

DEADMAN

... why do people watch it?

STAN

Because it's on the screen.

DEADMAN

But if they don't want ...

STAN

They don't have to watch it. If they want to watch it they'll watch it.

They'll watch us, right?

DEADMAN

What I'd like to do is say something like "welcome to the movie," right?

STAN

Right, but we can't do that because then we're like the hosts and not the

stars.

DEADMAN

It isn't ...

STAN

It has the effect of distancing us from the audience ...

DEADMAN

... who don't have to watch the movie anyway.

STAN

But anyway I'm Stan, and that's, that's Deadman ...

DEADMAN

No no no, do it right now. In a real movie you don't talk to the audience,

you reveal character through dialogue.

STAN

Right. Uhh, nice day isn't it?

DEADMAN

No, you say my name, you want to, you say ...

STAN

... something like ...

DEADMAN

... "Hello Deadman," right?

STAN

Hello Deadman!

DEADMAN

Uh, hello Stan. Yeah, see, that's easy. And you don't break character.

STAN

I haven't got a character, Deadman. I'm only being myself here.

DEADMAN

Yeah well, that's not, I mean it's not as easy to do as ...

STAN

Yeah, it's tough to appear natural on the screen.

DEADMAN

Yeah, right, people don't realize. This is hard.

STAN

Yeah, right, even if you're getting paid for it.

DEADMAN

Yeah, right.

STAN

I mean, we've got a movie.

DEADMAN

Someone gave us a movie.

STAN

Yeah. The studio came up to us and said ...

DEADMAN

They said ...

STAN

Do you want to have this movie? No.

DEADMAN

No, that's not how it happened at all.

STAN

We pitched.

DEADMAN

That's right, we pitched it to 'em, right?

STAN

Right, we pitched it to 'em good.

DEADMAN

We told 'em, if they gave us, uh, if they gave us the movie ...

STAN

It'd, like, work out and all. People would watch it. And they'd make, uh

...

DEADMAN

They'd make their money back.

STAN

It's all about money, isn't it?

DEADMAN

Well, surely.

STAN

I mean, they can't ...

DEADMAN

Well, they can't stay in business if they're not making money, right?

STAN

Right, it's all business. The summer blockbusters, it's all backdoor deals,

all backdoor, uh, with corporations, and things. If they, uh ...

DEADMAN

Yeah.

STAN

If they don't break a hundred mil they won't make their money back.

DEADMAN

Don't know how they'll make their money back with this one, eh?

[laughs hoarsely]

STAN

Yeah. Y'think they'll still be watching at this point?

DEADMAN

Dunno. Maybe they'll have left by now.

[pause]

STAN

I mean, if it's ...

DEADMAN

Yeah.

STAN

If it's just two guys, you know ...

DEADMAN

In the studio ...

STAN

Right.

DEADMAN

For two stinkin' hours, they won't ...

STAN

Well, we don't have to make it two hours.

DEADMAN

We don't have to make it one.

STAN

We don't have to make it at all. [laughs] But we want to, don't we?

DEADMAN

Oh yes. We're media whores.

STAN

I mean, there isn't ...

DEADMAN

No.

STAN

What people see is not necessarily ...

DEADMAN

No, it's not necessarily the same because ...

STAN

They twist it, they ...

DEADMAN

They make it the way they want it ...

STAN

They've got corporate agendas, the corporations, they, uh ...

DEADMAN

We haven't even got a script.

STAN

Yeah.

DEADMAN

I mean, people do talk like this ...

STAN

Some people talk like this ...

DEADMAN

Yeah.

STAN

Not too many people, but, uh ...

DEADMAN

We talk like this.

STAN

Right.

DEADMAN

I, well, what's wrong with this? I like this.

STAN

It's visually uninteresting.

[pause]

We're making a movie.

DEADMAN

Can we talk to them?

STAN

No.

DEADMAN

How can we make it visually interesting?

STAN

It's lacking in, uh ...

DEADMAN

We could use different camera angles.

[cut back and forth between angles]

Yeah.

STAN

Right.

DEADMAN

That doesn't help much, does it?

STAN

No, no it doesn't.

DEADMAN

Uh, well, I mean ...

STAN

... you, we all mean ...

DEADMAN

Well, the idea isn't interesting, we don't have ...

STAN

We don't need ...

DEADMAN

Yeah.

STAN

We don't need an interesting, uh ...

DEADMAN

An interesting ...

STAN

We're making a movie.

DEADMAN

Exactly.

STAN

But ...

DEADMAN

But, uh ...

STAN

I mean, if you say it like that it sounds like we're not doing anything.

DEADMAN

Yeah. But there's this ...

STAN

There is a plot.

DEADMAN

Yeah.

STAN

Right, I mean, there's something about a big, a, uh, a towering ...

DEADMAN

A towering inferno.

STAN

Yeah. No.

DEADMAN

Right.

STAN

But there could be ...

DEADMAN

There could be, well, the problem is ...

STAN

The problem is that at heart we've got no interesting idea.

DEADMAN

And no interesting camera angle.

STAN

We could set the camera tracking again.

DEADMAN

We could track with it.

STAN

We could play Monopoly.

[pause]

Let's track with the camera.

[They get up and walk. The camera follows with them.]

DEADMAN

The set's, uh, it's kind of ...

STAN

It's nice.

DEADMAN

Yeah.

STAN

No, it's big.

DEADMAN

I mean, I don't want to die in a fire.

STAN

Fire's no fun.

DEADMAN

Water's nice.

STAN

Oh, water's excellent.

DEADMAN

Yeah.

STAN

Yeah.

DEADMAN

But I wouldn't want to die in water either.

STAN

No, the set's ...

DEADMAN

It's, uh, it's big.

STAN

It's nice. But, I mean, that isn't us.

DEADMAN

No, there's none of us in that.

STAN

You just kind of have to accept that, uh ...

DEADMAN

Well, the budget ...

STAN

Yeah, the budget, I mean, for a, uh, for a movie ...

DEADMAN

It just kind of ...

STAN

A movie such as this one ...

DEADMAN

It just kind of goes.

STAN

Where does it go? It was there. Who knows where it went?

DEADMAN

Yeah.

STAN

I do.

DEADMAN

Right.

STAN

And I'll tell you why.

DEADMAN

I bet you won't tell me why.

STAN

It's that way because ...

DEADMAN

I'm not gonna let you tell me why.

STAN

Blocked at the goalpost.

DEADMAN

Put it up to luck.

STAN

We're making a movie.

DEADMAN

I'm in it.

STAN

Where does the budget go?

[They are still walking, and have tracked with the camera for what seems like a mile.]

DEADMAN

This is a freakin' big studio, man.

STAN

But it isn't ...

DEADMAN

I know.

STAN

I mean, these studios exist ...

DEADMAN

Well, they have to.

STAN

Yeah.

DEADMAN

Otherwise they don't ...

STAN

I mean the movies won't get made. I mean.

DEADMAN

Yeah. Right.

STAN

If you're talking that way, that's what looks good onscreen. I mean this,

the long, uh, the long tracking shot here, that's got movement in it, and

someone watching that thinks "wow, that's a lot of space they're covering,

then there yet, right?"

DEADMAN

Yeah, I mean, it works, kind of ...<