by garrett
gilchrist and david ashe
from an original
idea by
david ashe, justin
bielawa, and david brown
(Everything's
black + white. Dramatic 40s monster movie music plays as the freakish animated
titles run.)
"DONALD
R. MacFITZROY PRESENTS"
"A
DONALD R. MacFITZROY PRODUCTION"
"WRITTEN,
DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY DONALD R. MacFITZROY"
"WITH
CONTRIBUTIONS BY"
(six
hundred names shoot by)
"OWLBOY"
"IN
SCHLOCK-O-VISION"
DONALD
R. MacFITZROY: Good evening. I am here to warn you that the following film is
extremely scary. Those of you with weak hearts may wish to leave the room while
you still can. But for those of you who choose to view the terror and SHEER
HORROR of this film, I can only say that you have been well warned, and the
management of this company is not responsible if any of you DIE OF FRIGHT
during the run of the following sketch. (dramatic change in lighting, lightning
strikes somewhere offscreen.) MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
(A
normal suburban home. We fade in on a slightly ominous window, and pan to a
television set on which the news is playing.)
TV
NEWS REPORTER: Tonight's big story: A crazed young man who apparently believes
himself to be some sort of carnivorous owl is terrorizing suburban communities
all across the tri-fred area. Residents should lock their doors and stay inside
until this madman is apprehended, as the so-called "OwlBoy" is
irrational and extremely dangerous ...
(The
father shuts off the television.)
FATHER
(idiotic accent): Blasted sensationalists.
MOTHER:
Henry! Time for dinner!
FATHER:
(walking to table) Yes, it is a dinnerish time, now that you mention it.
(We
see a happy scene, a nuclear family cheerily dining and conversing.)
MOTHER:
More gruel, Jenny?
JENNY:
Thanks, mom.
FATHER:
So, Timmy, how was your day at school?
TIMMY:
Fine dad. Pass the salt.
(mother
passes a small shaker of salt to the son.)
FATHER:
And how was your day, Skimminy Dinkaroo?
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO (in suicidal GenX manner): I hate my life.
FATHER
(epitomizing the concept of ignorance): You always did love school. And last
but not least, you, Jenny?
JENNY:
Just fine, dad.
(Awkward
silence. Skimminy Dinkaroo contemplates a steak knife.)
OWL:
Whoooo.
FATHER:
(looking up) That's an odd noise.
(The
mother shrugs.)
MOTHER:
So Timmy, did you behave yourself in school today?
TIMMY:
Yeah, I think.
JENNY:
Liar! You were bad!
FATHER:
Jenny !
JENNY:
Well, he was. He ate the paste.
OWL:
Whoooo.
MOTHER:
There it is again!
FATHER:
Sounded like an owl.
TIMMY:
Maybe it's Santa Claus!
OWL:
Whoooo.
TIMMY:
Can we go out and see it, Mom?
JENNY:
Be quiet, Timmy! You'll scare it away!
TIMMY:
You be quiet!
OWL:
Whoooo.
FATHER:
You know, it's not everyday you get to see a real owl.
MOTHER:
Oh Henry, can we?
OWL:
Whoooo.
MOTHER:
C'mon kids. Let's go out and see! (begins to get up)
JENNY:
Yaaay !!
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO: Shoot me.
OWL:
Whoooo.
(Cut
to outside. It's a quiet, peaceful night. The moon is shining bright. Giving,
might I add, not a hint of what's in store. Enter our happy family, wielding flashlights.)
FATHER:
Now be quiet, kids. You don't want to scare him off. He's probably more afraid
of us than he is of himself.
OWL:
Whoooo.
(Show
flashlight beam searching through the trees, and finally stopping on OwlBoy,
perched up in a tree!)
OWLBOY:
Whoooo.
FATHER:
There he is, up in the tree!
MOTHER:
Say, that's not an owl!
OWLBOY:
Whoooo.
FATHER:
What in God's name ?!
(OwlBoy
hisses, and leaps onto the father, tearing him to shreds. The mother gapes in
awe. The kids watch. Skimminy walks away, boredly.)
JENNY:
Timmy, I'm scared! What are we going to do?
(Timmy
shrugs. They keep watching. Finally, OwlBoy finishes his mauling, snorts, and
looks up at THEM!)
TIMMY:
Uh oh.
OWLBOY:
Whoo.
(They
run. Very fast.)
JENNY:
Where do we go?!
TIMMY:
This way!
(They
bolt around the side of the house. We see OwlBoy's eerie shadow streak through,
crouched down a la Aliens. No clear views of the horror yet, just arty cutaway
thingys in the dark. Timmy and Jenny are running, pursued all the way. They
stop at the garage and pound.)
JENNY:
Let us in! For God's sake let us in!
SKIMMINY'S
VOICE: The door's open.
(They
look up. The front door is indeed open. They run inside and lock it, barring it
with furniture and things. OwlBoy pounds ominously outside. We hear feverish hooting
and scratching. The kids look freaked to death.)
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO: What are you two doing?
TIMMY:
What are we doing?! You saw what happened to dad!
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO: Eh. C'est la vie.
(Suddenly
we see a mud-soaked hand claw at the window.)
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO: Uh oh.
JENNY
(to Timmy): Call 911, quick!
TIMMY:
Huh?
JENNY:
Oh, forget it. (grabs the phone and dials it.) Hello, look, please, we need
help, fast! There may be a psychotic outside, and ...
TELEPHONE
VOICE: All of our representatives are currently busy, but if you'll leave your
name and number ...
(Jenny
looks with horror. Somewhere, outside, we see a small figure nibbling on a
phone line. Static sounds.)
JENNY:
We need help, repeat ... hello? Hello, hello, hello! (clicks line feverishly,
then hangs the phone up, furious.)
TIMMY:
Whadda we do now?
JENNY:
We wait. And pray they got our message.
(We
see OwlBoy outside, in the shadows. He looks up and then bites down on the
telephone line again, hard. Inside, it rings.)
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO: Hello?
OWLBOY
(on phone): Whoo.
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO: Well I, uh ...
OWLBOY
(on phone): Whoo.
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO: What's my favorite scary movie?
(Cut
to outside ... the mother is looking very frightened indeed. Hitchcockian
camera angles. Wild-eyed, she looks down and grabs a largish tree branch for
protection. Suddenly, a shadowy figure rushes towards her! She clubs the hell
out of it.)
COP
#1: Ow!
(He
rubs his head. She gives an innocent little laugh and points up at the trees.)
MOTHER:
Ah, heh heh ... autumn.
(He
looks very pissed indeed and reaches for his gun.)
COP
#2: No! No, Luckner, no! Remember those anger management classes?
(He
narrows his eyes and speaks in a low growl)
COP
#1: GRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrriiiiis there a problem here?
MOTHER:
Yes! Yes, my husband's dead! (She points down)
COP
#2: We'll be the judge of that, ma'am. (The first cop bends down to take a look
at the body, then stands up again and gives it a little kick.)
COP
#1: He's dead, all right.
MOTHER:
Waaaahhh !! (sobs)
FATHER:
Actually, I think I'll be okay.
COP
#2: You're not qualified to diagnose that, sir.
FATHER:
No, really! I think I'll be fine if I just take a little stroll, clear my
head...
COP
#1: Shut up! (kicks him)
COP
#2: Now, how did this happen?
MOTHER:
Well, we were eating dinner when we heard what we thought was an owl hooting
outside. We thought we'd go and check it out. But then when we went to look,
that.. THING leaped out of the tree and ripped the life out of my poor Henry!
(sobs)
FATHER:
Oh, she's exaggerating. He didn't kill me, per se.. Just scratched me a little.
I'm quite all right.
COP
#2: Shut up! (kicks him)
COP
#1: This sounds like an attack by... OwlBoy. (dramatic chords play)
MOTHER:
OwlBoy ?! (dramatic chords play)
COP
#1: Yes, OwlBoy. (dramatic chords play)
COP
#2: (turning to camera) OwlBoy was an ordinary, happy kid, until the fateful
day he visited a local wildlife preserve and was attacked by a radioactive owl.
Now, he spends his days in hiding, and his nights terrorizing the tri-state
area as... OwlBoy. (dramatic chords play)
COP
#1: Stop that! (hits him)
MOTHER:
(getting up) Is there anything we can do?
COP
#1: Just leave everything to us, ma'am. We'll flip this bird.
FATHER:
Oh, thank you!
MOTHER:
Shut up! (kicks him)
COP
#1: Let's move. (The cops run out along the treeline.)
FATHER:
(getting up, limping a bit) No, I swear I'm not dead, I'm fine, I ... ERRRK!
(he falls down dead)
FATHER'S
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Well, whaddaya know ... they were right.
(Owlboy
now streaks through the shot, looking left and right, and into windows. In
front of one wide-open window Timmy stands, picking his nose. Loud rustling
outside.)
TIMMY:
It IS Santa Claus!
(A
hand reaches through the window and pulls him through, screaming all the way.
He is given up to an unseen, crunchy sort of demise. OwlBoy continues to batter
at the window. Pan over to the horrified faces of Jenny and Skimminy Dinkaroo.)
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO: We're all gonna die! ... oh well.
JENNY:
Run!
(OwlBoy
now leaps through the window! We see him in all his glory. A fantastic chase
occurs throughout the house as OwlBoy pursues poor Skimminy and Jenny,
destroying everything in sight, including furniture, household plants, and
Jean-Luc Picard. As he heads upstairs he becomes even scarier, taking it slow
and psychotic. Both run downstairs just as Owlboy has made his way upstairs. We
see horrible scenes of a hooting Owlboy give chase.)
OWLBOY:
Whoo!
(Pauses
a moment in thought, then holds up a sign "come out, come out, wherever
you are!" We cut outside, where Jenny and Skimminy are, exhaustedly,
slamming the door shut behind them.)
SKIMMINY
DINAKROO: Are -- are we safe?
JENNY:
I -- I think so. Unless he's learned to open doors.
(Dramatic
music eases in on a close-up of the doorknob twitching... slowly, slowly.....)
OWLBOY:
Whoo.
J+S:
Aaaaaaaaaagggghhh!!
(Jenny
is mauled to shreds. Skimminy loses an arm but limps onward, and eventually
comes upon Mother.)
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO (gasping): Mom ... I'm hurt ... bad ... what're we gonna do?
MOTHER:
I dunno what you're gonna do. Me, I'm movin' to Mexico.
(Sure
enough, she starts up her car and speeds away, Skimminy gives a pathetic look.
We cut back to the cops.)
COP
#1: You take that side, I'll take this one.
(The
camera follows the second. He rounds the perimeter of the house, then spots
Skimminy Dinkaroo.)
COP
#2: Where is he?
SKIMMINY
DINKAROO (clawing at him): He's everywhere man, you can't escape him! This is a
bug hunt man, a bug hunt! GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!
(Skimminy
gives that as a last sentiment and dies. The cop can do naught but shake his
head. Then -- he spots OwlBoy up in the trees.)
OWLBOY:
Whoooo.
COP
#2: FREEZE! (The cop draws his gun, but OwlBoy leaps on him and rips him to
shreds. As the cop falls, he fires two shots into the air. Then the camera
turns to the first cop, who's rounding the corner having some coffee and
donuts.)
COP
#1: What in the world... Biggins! He got Biggins! Eat lead, you avian bastard!
(The
cop reaches for his gun, but draws a donut instead. On the second try, though,
he pulls out his real gun and fires six rounds at OwlBoy. But the shots have no
effect, and OwlBoy draws closer!
OWLBOY:
Whoooo.
COP
#1: Crap.
OWLBOY:
Whoooo. (As Owlboy draws ever closer, the cop throws his gun at him, to no
avail. Finally, in desperation, he throws his hot coffee at him, and OwlBoy
screams in pain, covering his eyes, his first sign of weakness. The cop searches
around for help, but sees no one. So he grabs his radio.)
COP
#1: Come in, come in, do you read? Luckner here. I've got OwlBoy. Requesting
backup, do you read, over? I said, do you read?
OWLBOY:
Whoo.
(OwlBoy
comes back, with a vengeance. The cop thinks for a moment, and then pulls out a
large green lightsaber. Unfortunately, Owlboy has one of his own. They fight
for about three seconds, when Owlboy whacks the cop's saber easily out of his
hand. It drops apathetically to the ground. BIG shot of Owlboy's grinning evil
face. The cop gives a nervous little laugh, then throws up his hands in
surrender. He realizes he's doomed, and says so plainly.)
COP
#1: All right! It's over, I'm dead, I'm done for, I'm doomed. You've got me.
OWLBOY
(has never gotten this reaction before): Whoo?
COP
#1: That's right, I'm dead and I know it. But if I'm going out I'm gonna go out
with respect. Though I can't say it wouldn't be nice if... If....
(To
the tune of that crappy song from "Annie")
If
you could wait 'til ...tomorrow
Just
postpone the kill until tomorrow
'Twould
be fine
But
though I won't see ...tomorrow
I
won't cry and hang my head in sorrow
When
on me you dine
Although
soon I'll be dead
You'll
shred me thoroughly
Through
it all I'll just have
To
laugh
And
say....
Yes,
this is my last ...tomorrow
Vital
organs you dropped by to borrow
But
that's okayyy...
Tomorrow,
tomorrow, I won't see tomorrow
You
came by this house to slay
Be
thankful for that ...tomorrow
You'll
have mine, and I'll be Heaven's cargo
Life's
not long
And
when I lose my ...tomorrow
As
your teeth rip through me like an arrow
I'll
be strong
Though
I know I'm kaput
That's
what
I'm
saying
I
intend to go out
With
dignity...
(He
is joined by OwlBoy and all the
other victims, cut, bleeding, parts missing, etc.
They
hold hands.)
Yes,
this is our last ...tomorrow
Vital
organs he dropped by to borrow
But
that's okay
Tomorrow,
tomorrow, we won't see tomorrow
He
came by this house.... to ..... slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
(The
song ends, and all the victims immediately drop back down dead again. OwlBoy
snorts and heads for the cop once again. He cries out before being torn apart.
The cameraman looks back and forth, then OwlBoy spots HIM!)
CAMERAMAN:
No, no! Keep back! Please, no! Keep BAAAA...
(static)
DONALD
R. MacFITZROY: Well, ladies and gentleman, the film cuts out there. OwlBoy was
never caught, and for all we know, he could still be roaming suburbia, running
through the woods to find his next victim. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, his next
victim could be...
AAAGGHH!
(The film mogul is mauled to death by OwlBoy. Much
applause from the audience.)