INVISIBLE MEN SKETCH

By Garrett Gilchrist

(A normal suburban home. The doorbell rings.)

BILL: I’m comin’, I’m comin’.

(But when he opens the door, there seems to be no one there. Confused, he closes the door.)

BILL: Blasted kids.

(The bell rings again. He opens the door, and once again sees no one there. He gives a sigh, then is startled by an..)

EERIE VOICE: Yes, hello and good day to you, sir. I am Herbert Fitzroy of the American Association for the Advancement of the Invisible Man, or the corporally challenged as we prefer to call ourselves. My card. (Bill recieves an invisible business card, which he reads [?!] and then puts into his pocket. Bill then shakes hands.)

BILL: Bill Artificial Flavoring. Would you care to come in?

HERBERT: Why, yes! Yes, thank you.

(Bill's eyes follow the invisible visitor as he walks up the stairs. Bill then slams the door, which only closes halfway.)

SECOND VOICE: AAGGHH !! (Bill seems surprised.)

HERBERT: Oh, and that would be my assistant James.

(The door slowly slides open.)

BILL: I-I'm terribly sorry..

JAMES: Don't sweat it.

(Bill's confused eyes follow James as he walks upstairs. Bill then follows.)

BILL: Would you gentlemen care for some tea or coffee?

HERBERT: Just ice water for me, thanks.

(Bill walks off into the kitchen, as the invisible guests settle into their chairs. After a moment, Bill returns with the ice water.)

BILL: And here you are.

HERBERT: Oh thank you. It's so rare that.. (Herbert makes an attempt to pick up the glass, but spills it all over the floor.) ..oh, I’m so sorry.

BILL: Don’t worry, I'll clean it up. (grabs a rag off the table and mops up the chair, but an invisible force seems to get tripped up by it.)

BILL: (to chair) Are you all right ?!

HERBERT: I'm over here.

(Bill looks toward Herbert's voice and watches him get settled. As the invisible man begins his speech, Bill does the same.)

HERBERT: I'm sure you've noticed that my colleague and I are invisible men.

BILL: Well, I..

HERBERT: No, no. We know how hard we are to miss, or rather, how easy. Yes, we are an overlooked few, the corporally challenged. Discouraged from voting, passed over by buses and taxicabs, forced to sit and watch as high-paying jobs are given to less qualified people just because they have heads and feet.

BILL: I never would have guessed.

HERBERT: A lot of invisible people can't take it, and turn to lives of crime. Stealing socks, remote control devices... (Herbert has been leaning back in his chair, which tips over and topples to the ground. Bill jumps up to try and help.)

BILL: (to chair) Are you all right ?!

HERBERT: Mr. Flavoring?

BILL: (to chair) Yes?

HERBERT: Mr. Flavoring?

BILL (to chair) Yes?

HERBERT: I'm over here.

BILL: Oh. (Herbert sets his chair upright and settles in once more, knocking over a few family photos in the process. Bill is looking a bit flustered.)

JAMES: Society can embrace an invisible man or woman when it wants to. Many famous people have been invisible. Some say the fourth member of the Three Stooges, Happy, was the funniest. And Percy Anonymous made the best-seller list with his "Primary Colors." What about Harvey the rabbit? Marlon Brando? Vice President Al Gore ??

HERBERT: Hear, hear. (Bill is looking confusedly back and forth.)

JAMES: The battle continues for us.

HERBERT: But we do need money.

JAMES: So how about it?

HERBERT: WIll you donate to our cause?

(Bill appears dizzy, if not downright nauseous)

BILL: Oh, I don’t know..

HERBERT: You don’t know.

BILL: Well..

HERBERT: I suppose I shouldn’t have expected any more from you goddamned visibles. Big lumbering idiots, the lot of you .. You go gadding about in your luxury cars, back and forth to work with others just like you .. ‘Oh, seeing is believing,” you say - well, if you can’t see it, are you just going to ignore it, huh? Is that it? Why don’t you go off and pick off fleas with your stinking visible friends and talk about how nice so and so’s head looks today.. You make me sick, what with your golf courses and Olsen twin sitcoms and VAPID, ASINE DAYTIME TALK SHOWS AND YOUR FILTHY LITTLE teeth and mouths and hands and arms and all that other tripe .. I hope you choke on your CHICKEN McNuggets and drive those visible cars of yours off THE NEAREST cliff!

BILL: What?!

HERBERT: Sorry, just lost my mind for a moment.

BILL: That’s it, get out! (He points angrily to the door)

JAMES: But, but what about our money?

BILL: Here, take this. (mimes handing him something)

JAMES: What's that?

BILL: An invisible check.

HERBERT: But, I.. I. (The angry Bill grabs the visitors by their collars and throws them out the door.)

BILL: Out, out, OUT!

(struggling, crashing)

BILL: (turning to camera) If anyone asks, you didn't see any of this. (Walks offscreen)