EXCERPTS FROM HOST SEGMENTS FOR AN UNMADE TELEVISION SHOW

By Garrett Gilchrist

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[Lights up slowly on the same old set, with a new host, yet to be cast but whom I shall call JEFF JEFFRIES, just to be difficult. He has a big smile on his face and speaks slowly at first.]

Hello. Hi. Welcome to the show. Welcome. A very warm welcome to you, all of you, all our viewers out there, you. We love you. I love you. Hello. Hi. Salut. Willkommen. Arrivederci. Buenos Dias. Elcomeway to the owshay. Welcome to the show. Our show. Your show. This is a show we're doing here, for you, just for you, yes you there, you. Without you none of this would be possible. Without you I wouldn't have to be here hosting this show today, and could be out going to frat parties and getting laid. But no, dear viewers, thanks to you I'm trapped here. Thanks. Thanks a lot. You think this host job is easy? It's a grind! They do six of these damn things in an hour! No time for retakes, and certainly no pay. I mean it's all volunteer, no one gets any money out of this but the school. Nonstop work, for what? I thought I'd be able to get decent TV exposure out of this at least, 'cause I wanna be in the movies. See, I write, and I act, and I sing and dance and direct and I signed on to do this stupid show and sit in a stupid chair and say stupid things and introduce stupid films for a bunch of stupid viewers and what do they tell me? They tell me it doesn't matter if I screw up because no one watches this show anyway! What sort of a network is this, tell me that? [stands, gets out of chair] Look at this set! Just look at it! [kicks it, it wobbles] It's awful! That's the best set here, and it's awful! I mean, what the hell is that? That flying saucer thing there, what the hell is that supposed to be, huh? ... The first host, Scott, he was funny, But he couldn't take the pressure. He left. He went insane and left. He's in a Mexican prison now. What sort of precedent does that set for ME? [sits back down in the chair and gets moody, suppressing tears] I don't know if I should even take the job. It's quick work, but how am I supposed to stand an entire season in this hellhole? I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier, but things haven't been too good at home. My hamster's just died, and my girlfriend Shelley left me for another woman. I can't sleep. My nerves are shot, and I think I just gotta go home, take a bath, and get my mind settled. The show'll be back next week, with or without me, but that's it for me. That's it. Sorry.

[He leaves. Long pause. The camera holds on the empty chair. After a bit of this, his head peeks back into view.]

... It's still ... they're still watching. I told you, that's all, but ... they're still watching. [to crew] Hey Stoney! They're still watching!

I'M ON TV!!

[He sits right back down, grinning wide, and delivers the intro perfectly.]

This is Jeff Jeffries. Welcome to the show. We’ve got a great show for you, so stick around and we’ll be right back. [to crew] ... Was that all right?

************* FIRST SEGMENT ROLLS

Wow, yeah. That was really good. Really great, I mean. Wow. You know, that's the first segment of this show I've ever seen, and I would just like to say that that was the best segment of this show that I've ever seen. I mean, they say "Citizen Kane" is a good movie, and it is. You should see it. And "Brazil." Everyone should see "Brazil." Oh yeah, and "Army of Darkness."

[awkward pause]

I haven't slept in three days.

[pause]

We’ll be right back.

[to crew] ... Sorry.

************* SECOND SEGMENT ROLLS

Amazing. Just inexplicable. I can honestly say that that was the second part of this show that I have ever seen. Let's have another.

[pause]

... God, I'm tired.

************* THIRD SEGMENT ROLLS

[The host is slumped in his chair, clearly falling asleep.]

[yawns] This host job's harder than I thought.

You may think I’m sleeping on the job. But really, I’m just pretending to be asleep, so that they can’t get me. So that “they” can’t get me and kill me. Who are “they”, you might ask? And well you might. Ask.

There are things that scare even me. Zombies. Demons. Vampires. Tori Spelling. Things that go, and I quote, "bump" in the night. But what scares me most of all is what happened to our show’s former host.

Think of it. An ordinary night, in a studio very much like this one. A host, very much like this show's former host, Scott, is sitting in his chair. The control-room folks are showing the standard crop of clever little student films. When suddenly, out of nowhere, the feature changes to BARBRA STREISAND in "THE MIRROR HAS TWO FACES!!" He tries to scream, but no sound comes out. He tries to run away, but cannot leave his chair, because little monkey arms come out to grab him and hold him in tight. And they keep him there, with no escape, even as they screen "Batman and Robin," "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace," and Carrot Top in “Chairman of the Board!” And he is afraid. And the chair monkeys laugh at his fear, for they can only live by feasting upon his fear. And they had quite a meal that night. I tell you, those chair monkeys DRAGGED SCOTTIE DOWN TO HIS DEATH!!

[awkward pause]

It really happened that way, I swear. They just don't want to admit it. It's all a big cover-up.

We’ll be right back.

[to crew] What?

************* FOURTH SEGMENT ROLLS

[Cut back. No one is in the chair. Awkward pause. The camera pans down to show our host curled up asleep on the floor. Someone offscreen cues him, and he wakes up.]

Sorry, I get sleepy. I think it's called narcolepsy. Well, that's about all we have for you today ... [to crew] Is that really it? ... Yeah, that's all. I'm Jeff Jeffries, saying goodnight [yawns], and if there are any motion picture producers watching I'd just like to say keep in mind that this is the first show and things are still a bit rough around the edges. [standing up] I mean, if you were to clean me up and give me a proper screen test, I could do much much better. [lights dim in studio, cue end title music] I've done Shakespeare, in class, and I played Oscar in Sweet Charity ... [fading out] My other stage and screen credits include ... [credits roll]

"THE END ?"