EASIER
THAN
THINKING
(being the story of a young man, a goddess, a dog, two murderers,
and an outer space adventure on a television screen)
Screenplay by Garrett Gilchrist
Based upon the play by Garrett Gilchrist and John Hunsucker
Third Draft
5/27/00 – 8/20/00
Garrett Gilchrist, 2000.
EXT. - OUTER SPACE - EVENING
We are floating through a field of stars. The SUN flashes into view and
obscures everything else with its brightness. The PLANETS of our solar
system zip by us. We are moving very quickly now.
SUPERIMPOSE TITLES OVER THIS.
"EASIER THAN THINKING"
Atmospheric noises, glass breaking. Sound rushing in like water into a
vacuum. We see the planet EARTH, or something like it. We enter its
orbit.
Superimposed over this image enters a young woman, TEAL, lit more
brightly than the rest of the scene. She wears shades and a slightly
otherworldly-looking black suit with white trim and tails, and moves
with grace. She is rotating.
TEAL
[emotionless]
This is a story, set in a very small town somewhere, in some
country, and though the local customs may be somewhat
different from your own we will ask you to bear with them.
She has by now turned upside-down.
TEAL
Please do not be alarmed by anything you see or hear.
Normalcy is relative, and once you've adjusted to that, all,
or at the very least some, can be explained.
She floats away. We are very close to the Earth by now.
LOUIS [V.O.]
Would you rather be happy or smart?
REX [V.O.]
What was that?
LOUIS [V.O.]
Never mind. It's just something someone said, once.
In a second, our point of view has sped out, blurred and crashed down
onto the surface of the planet.
INT. - LOUIS ROLOCINO'S HOME - EVENING
A pop star's home, with nasty carpeting and black walls, gold records
and recording equipment in the corner. LOUIS ROLOCINO, an aging singer,
sits half-shadowed on the floor holding a microphone. REX and MYRTLE
MARTINI, a husband and wife in their forties, are sitting with him,
holding large machete-like weapons in their hands. A RECORD PRODUCER
stands off to the side, his finger on a reel-to-reel tape recorder.
MYRTLE is tapping her fingers together in rhythm.
MYRTLE
One, two, one, one, two.
LOUIS
Onesies, twosies, don't let your girls be floozies, eh?
He laughs. REX and MYRTLE sit deadly serious. His smile fades into a
look of fear.
REX
It's your decision. We can do this easy, or we can do it
painful, tough.
LOUIS
I vote for not at all.
MYRTLE
That's not a choice.
LOUIS
Right, right.
PRODUCER
The album's not finished yet, you know. He hasn't sung the
last song yet.
REX
Doesn't matter to me.
MYRTLE
It's for your own good that we do this, you know.
REX
It's for everyone's own good.
LOUIS
But this album is my masterpiece! It tells a whole epic story,
about how a young imbecile with musical ambitions but no
talent is able to rise to fame and fall from grace all in the
same week!
PRODUCER
One of the great artistic wanks of all time.
LOUIS
The project of a lifetime!
REX
We'll give you three minutes.
PRODUCER
That's enough, isn't it, Louis?
LOUIS
Enough for one song, Bob.
PRODUCER
Well, hurry the hell up and sing it!
LOUIS
[nervously]
The artist needs silence.
Silence. LOUIS pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes his
sweating brow with it. He then turns, and pauses, readying his
microphone. It is a comeback special moment. The PRODUCER lights a
cigar and turns the tape recorder on. A song begins to play.
LOUIS
I never knew that I'd been blind
Until you made me see
You've opened up my world so wide
It's redefining me
Your love is a revelation, baby
Nothing else on earth
Can come within a mile of what you're worth
Rabbits in the springtime
They see the knife, they try a life, well
They're never bothered by the dew
As the flowers grow, endless time will only show
We'll be together, me and you
The castles of creation float through
Fields of crackling flame
Nothing here is different, darling
Nothing’s not the same.
Your love is a revelation, please don't
Tell me any lies
Am I to find a future in your eyes?
Rabbits in the springtime will run away another day, well
Summer leaves will fade and fall
But you'll see time can't touch us, never hurt or crush us
We're gonna make it through it all ...
I never knew that I'd been blind until you made me see
You've opened up my world so wide it's redefining me
Your love is a revelation, honey
Sailing through the sky
You've made me love, oh please don't let love die
Don't let love die
Don't let love ...
dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
LOUIS sings his heart out, and misty-eyed, as the song ends, takes a
bow to the empty room. The PRODUCER shuts off the recorder.
PRODUCER
Great! It's a hit! We'll sell a million copies.
LOUIS
That's it, then, is it?
PRODUCER
Yeah.
MYRTLE and REX stand, grab their machetes, and hack LOUIS ROLOCINO to
death in an extremely gory and violent manner. The PRODUCER seems
disinterested.
CAMERA PULLS BACK TO:
EXT. - ROLOCINO HOME - EVENING
The home is shabbier than we might expect, as if coming from a world
where stardom provides less security. It is raining.
CAMERA CONTINUES TO PULL BACK.
Walking about two feet above the surface of the ground enters TEAL. She
does not get wet.
TEAL
[emotionless]
You have just witnessed a murder. It was performed in cold
blood, without threat or provocation, and free of remorse, by
two very ordinary people, Rex and Myrtle. We know they did
this. This is not a mystery. Nor should this act of senseless,
cold-hearted murder be taken as anything out of the ordinary.
Rex and Myrtle were simply doing their jobs for the community.
They are the town murderers. They murder every day. They're
paid for it, and they've never felt bad about it. They are not
the villains here.
We now see REX and MYRTLE drag the bloody body of LOUIS ROLOCINO out
from the front door. TEAL fades away. MYRTLE wears a bloody smock, and
REX's shirt is soiled. ZIP PAN to:
EXT. MARTINI HOME - EVENING
A little later. REX and MYRTLE are dragging the body into their own
home, which looks very old-fashioned, suburbia in a cave-dweller style,
and has a TV antenna. Both are sopping wet.
INT. MARTINI HOME - EVENING
The door opens. REX and MYRTLE enter, dragging the body with them. REX
is doing most of the dragging. MYRTLE wipes the rain from her eyes.
MYRTLE
[calling to someone unseen]
We're home, dear!
REX
Come on, let me just, uhn ...
MYRTLE
Dear! We're home!
REX
He heard you.
MYRTLE
He should answer, then.
REX
Ah, but then he'd be acting like one of the human race. Can't
have that.
FLOYD [V.O.]
I'll be ready in a minute!
REX
Don't look at me, he's your son.
MYRTLE
Where do we put the body?
REX
Garbage chute.
We see an enormous pile of garbage with a hole in the middle. They
swing the body back and forth twice and toss it in. An automatic
meat-grinding noise is heard. MYRTLE takes off her smock and dries
herself and REX instantly with a miniature compression vacuum. REX
picks up a newspaper and sits in an armchair. The newspaper has no
writing on it.
MYRTLE
You want for dinner, dear?
REX
Yes.
MYRTLE puts powder and some small bits of dough into a large glass. The
mixture comes out a bit blue.
MYRTLE
You mind blue things?
REX
[mumbling]
The president sleeps with dingos.
MYRTLE gives a look suggesting she's underappreciated. She places the
glass into a microwave-like device, waits three seconds for the
distinctive "Whrrr - Bing!" of completion, and then pulls out a huge,
steaming, beautiful bluish turkey. REX is up immediately, as if drawn
by magnetic force. Myrtle sets the table.
INT. FLOYD'S ROOM - EVENING
FLOYD MARTINI, their teenage son, is leaning back in his chair at an
angle defying gravity. He has a rough, unshaven, twitchy quality to him
and is dressed in bright traffic light colors. Still he seems likeable
enough. A DOG is also there. The room has a cubic structure, like a
rabbit cage, posters on the walls and a computer in front of where
Floyd is sitting. There is also a passageway with a door to the dining
room. FLOYD produces a banjo and begins to strum at it randomly.
FLOYD
I once bought a hat from a popular cat,
weaving popular songs out of string;
she burned quite bright but as it was night,
she could never stop to sing.
Oh tragedy, oh holocaust, the cat cannot be found;
I once bought a cat from a popular hat,
and she burned right to the ground.
MYRTLE [V.O]
Dinner's ready, dear!
FLOYD [V.O.]
Oh, right, thanks!
He opens up the passageway door and hops down a flight of stairs
concealed inside. He then trips and falls down the stairs.
INT. MARTINI DINING ROOM - EVENING
A loud tumble and crash. FLOYD has come down the stairs. He picks
himself up from the floor with the grace of a dancer.
FLOYD
Hello Myrtle. Hello Rex.
REX
Ay, ay, none of that! You'll call us by our born names, "Dad"
and "Mom!"
REX steps hard on Floyd's foot, and Floyd gasps.
REX [cont.]
No respect! To think you can come in here and "Hello Myrtle"
me!
FLOYD
I didn't "Hello Myrtle" you; I "Hello Myrtle"d mom!
REX
Don't try to become smart!
FLOYD
I was just saying ...
MYRTLE
Well, you shouldn't dear, saying's not polite.
REX
You listen to your mother!
FLOYD
I d--
REX
And don't talk back to her! I'll duct-tape your mouth shut one
of these days. How'id you feel then, ay? Yeah ...
REX eases himself into the table.
MYRTLE
We've got some lovely food tonight dear, you're going to love
it. You'll look at the food and say "Oh my, what a lovely
collection of food. Is that not lovely food? I love this food,
it is lovely." We've got orange juice, blue turkey, and brown
milk, some bread and head cheese, some more bread, some more
head cheese, some bread cheese, and tripe. Oh, and I bought
your favorite - macaroni-flavored Jell-o.
FLOYD
You did? Great!
REX
Don't talk to your mother.
FLOYD sits down. MYRTLE doesn't, and busies herself with what she can
find.
MYRTLE
How was your day at school, dear?
FLOYD
Oh, I graduated three years ago, and then was talked out of
college by dad.
MYRTLE
That's nice, dear. More milk?
FLOYD
No.
REX
(simultaneously with Floyd)
Yes.
MYRTLE
I think that school is a terrific thing.
REX
Prison.
MYRTLE
How was your day at work, dear?
REX
For the media's sake, Myrtle, you know how my day at work was!
You were there!
MYRTLE
I know, but I'm asking for the sake of the boy, dear! He
should hear about what you do all day. He'll be doing it
himself eventually!
REX
Not at this rate.
FLOYD
It's all right, Rex, dad, sir. If I need to know all about
murdering I'll just turn on the television for a few seconds.
REX
The television's in the shop.
FLOYD
All the better, then.
MYRTLE
Oh, the television came back yesterday, dear. We just haven't
figured out how to plug it in yet. Modern technology, whoosh!
INT. REX AND MYRTLE'S ROOM - EVENING
The TELEVISION SET, which is clearly not plugged in, suddenly turns
on of its own power, never to be shut off again.
INT. MARTINI DINING ROOM - EVENING
FLOYD
Funny you should say that. Ian Leonard says that we are
actually living in a technological and social dark age, where
although we remain convinced, as most eras are, that progress
has brought us to a greater technological plateau, we have
actually regressed to the level where we can no longer
communicate with each other as human beings, and are fully
dominated by what we're told by the mass media.
MYRTLE
Isn't that nice?
REX
Who says that? What kind of right-wing leftist commie
propaganda is that?
The DOG now comes down the hidden stairway the same way FLOYD did.
FLOYD
It's Ian Leonard. He's a comedy writer, for Squash magazine,
on the web.
REX
He's a dangerous animal, he is.
MYRTLE
Now, now, don't talk that way dear, you'll frighten the dog.
The DOG is already asleep on the rug.
FLOYD
To tell the truth, I'm glad we've not plugged the television
in. I think it works to homogenize us, make us all the same.
Same emotions, same drives and ambitions. It plays to our
fears, makes us afraid to leave our homes, afraid to shut the
television off. All they play is murder.
REX
Murder! You want to talk about murder! Today, your mother and
I had to slaughter the strangest fellow. He was a singer, an
awful husk of a man now but apparently rich and famous in the
disco days. Well, now he'd reached his fiftieth birthday, so
we set up an appointment and went on over. But here's the
strange thing - his producer was there the whole time, trying
to get him to finish one last album before he went! We had to
postpone the whole killing just so's he could sing one last
song! Some awful thing about a big bunny, I think.
MYRTLE
And yet, can you imagine a world without music? What a grey
and dreary world that would be.
REX
Feh.
FLOYD
What was his name?
REX
Who, the bunny?
FLOYD
No, the singer.
MYRTLE
The bunny's name was Revelation.
REX
He doesn't need to know that!
FLOYD
What, the name of the bunny?
MYRTLE
The name of the ... singer?
REX
He doesn't need to know that either. Meddling little runt.
MYRTLE
Did you hear that, dear? Your first compliment of the day!
REX
It wasn't a compliment.
MYRTLE
Rex!
FLOYD
What was the singer's name?
MYRTLE
Why do you need to go around not complimenting the boy, Rex?
You've got to at least pretend to be his father.
REX
The name isn't important.
FLOYD
I just wanted to know, that's all!
MYRTLE
Well, my college roommate used to say that if you haven't got
anything nice to say, you should say it to the dog.
The DOG sits up at this.
REX
Is that what you learn at college?
FLOYD
You shouldn't abuse animals, even verbally, mom. They're
better than us.
MYRTLE
I hear their mouths are cleaner too.
DOG
Woof.
MYRTLE
He didn't die easy.
FLOYD
The singer?
MYRTLE
Yes. We tried to kill him, but it was strange, it didn't quite
take. It was as if his spirit wanted to keep on going, no
matter what. He was an old man, but you wouldn't have known it
from looking at him. Inside, he was still eighteen years old,
going to the school dance. Amazing life force in him.
And a spirit like that, it's hard to kill.
REX
Naw, it's easy to kill, lad. You just take the axe, hold it
firm ...
MYRTLE
It's coming back to me now, I remember. I used to play his
records when I was a little girl. He was handsome then. He
still was today, even though the pounds had piled on and the
dewy eyes dried out over time. He had character.
REX
I got to kill a homeless man today too! Awful smell, but boy,
did he have some nice liquor about him. If they were all like
that they wouldn't even have to pay me. I'd love it.
MYRTLE
His name was Louis.
FLOYD
What?
MYRTLE
The singer. His name was Louis, Louis Rolocino.
FLOYD
Oh my absence of god! The Dauphin of Disco?
MYRTLE
One and the same.
REX
You mean to say you knew that idiot?
FLOYD
Knew him? Damn, I had to buy the "Xanadu" album nine times!
Once on vinyl, once on 78, once on cassette, once on 8-track,
once on CD, once on CD-ROM, once on MP3 and twice for the 33
single! No wait, ten times. I lost the CD once. No wait,
twice. That's eleven.
MYRTLE
It's a pity. But what're you going to do?
REX
Yes. There's nothing pretty about death.
FLOYD
Louis Rolocino. I just can't believe it.
INT. UPSTAIRS WASHING ROOM - EVENING
A washing machine overflows and catches fire.
INT. MARTINI DINING ROOM - EVENING
A loud noise is heard.
MYRTLE
Oh no, I left the washer on! All the sheets'll be burned!
FLOYD
[smiling]
They'll have to be.
MYRTLE runs upstairs. When she's gone, REX grabs FLOYD by the collar.
REX
Now you listen here, boy. I want you to rid yourself of any
wrong impressions right away. Your mother and I have got a
very important job in this community, and I want you to make
sure you respect it, is that clear?
FLOYD
Crystal, really!
REX
Our duty is our duty. I don't care if they're the goddamned
Pope.
He lets go of Floyd's collar.
REX (cont.)
... Which reminds me, I've got to pencil the Pope back in for
thursday. Flighty old sort.
FLOYD
Uh ...
REX
It's a joke, son. Only the best in the business would get to
kill the Pope.
FLOYD starts to get up.
FLOYD
Well, I've got to be ...
REX
Sit down!
REX pulls FLOYD down again.
REX (cont.)
Look boy, I'm not going to be here in this house forever. I'm
going to pass on someday, in seven years, two months,
twenty-eight days and nine minutes, to be exact. That's my
fiftieth birthday. And when that day comes, you're going to
have to kill me.
FLOYD
No, I couldn't!
REX
You'll have to! I'm going to make sure you carry on my legacy,
son. I want to make sure you'll have it as good as I did.
FLOYD
What if I could find something better?
REX
You don't deserve better! What, are you too good to be a
murderer like your pop?
FLOYD
No. No, I'm not.
REX
Look Floyd, I'm serious. I don't want to force you into
anything. If you ever feel pressured, there's the door.
He points to the DOOR.
REX [cont.]
We're here for you, and we'll stay here for you. If you ever
need to leave, you can leave at any time.
FLOYD
Well thank you, I ...
FLOYD gets up, but REX pulls him back down again.
REX
I just wouldn't recommend it, that's all.
FLOYD
Right, right.
REX
Look kid, do you respect your papa?
FLOYD
Yes. Yes, I do.
REX
And if you respect your papa, you want to kill for him, right?
FLOYD
Mm.
REX
You respect me. You want to kill.
FLOYD
Okay, okay.
REX
Then say it. Say "I want to kill."
FLOYD
Uh.
REX
SAY IT! "I WANT TO KILL!"
FLOYD
[mumbles]
REX
Louder!
FLOYD
I wanna kill.
REX
Louder!
FLOYD
I want to kill!
REX
I can't hear you!
FLOYD
I WANT TO KILL!
REX
Okay, that I heard. Again.
FLOYD
I WANT TO KIIIILL!
Lightning flashes in the window. We see the face of TEAL reflected in
it, without shades.
MYRTLE trips over the burnt sheets she is holding and falls down the
stairs. REX doesn't get up.
REX
Now see what you've done?
FLOYD runs to help her to her feet.
MYRTLE
I'm all right. ... Do you really want to kill, son?
Floyd's downcast silence suggests he doesn't.
REX
He does! And what's better, he's already made the appointment
to kill me himself, in seven years, two months, twenty-eight
days and, ah ...
[checks his watch]
eight minutes.
MYRTLE
[quietly]
It's all right, son. There's nothing wrong with accepting your
place in life. In some ways it's even ... noble. Live your
life, son. It's easier than thinking.
REX
And more rewarding!
MYRTLE
If you say so, dear. [quieter, to Floyd] See?
FLOYD stands in stunned silence as MYRTLE collects the dinner things
and hands REX his wordless newspaper. REX smiles. MYRTLE then dims the
lights.
Enter TEAL, with shades.
TEAL
Floyd Martini, the young son of our gentle killers Myrtle and
Rex, is lucky enough to have his whole life plotted-out for
him. He will follow in their footsteps and kill for a living,
slaughtering by appointment upon the event of any citizen's
fiftieth birthday. This is done in order to spare these good
citizens the curse of old age. The murderer's career is not
high-paying, but it is respected, and a murderer will be
greeted with more pomp and circumstance than, say, a nuclear
physicist or schoolteacher.
We see FLOYD open the staircase and walk back up to his room. The DOG
follows a little later.
TEAL [cont.]
Yet for some reason Floyd Martini is unhappy, and in his
unhappiness he retreats to his own room, to write a letter to
a third-rate comedy writer he's never met.
TEAL turns and looks at the staircase, and we move with the DOG up
through it and into:
INT. FLOYD'S ROOM - EVENING
FLOYD is sitting at his old-fashioned computer, typing. The DOG is
watching him.
FLOYD
"Dear Ian Leonard," ... no. "To Ian Leonard," ... no, not that
either. Um, "Dear Mr. Ian Leonard," no, "Dear sir," no, "From
sir," no, "From your biggest fan," hell's no ...
[pauses]
"Dear Ian Leonard, I am writing in response to your article
entitled 'The Human Race: Is It a Bad Idea?' I would like to
give you a few critical thoughts on the piece. Point 1: This
is the best article I have ever read. Point 2: You are very
right about things most people aren't ever right about.
Point 3: I think you may be a god, or something." No, too
informal.
DOG
What the hell are you doing?
FLOYD
I'm writing a letter.
DOG
You know this Leonard guy?
FLOYD
He's a writer. I think he might be my favorite writer, though
he usually just writes stuff for science-fiction sitcoms.
DOG
You ever meet him?
FLOYD
No.
DOG
Has he ever heard of you?
FLOYD
No.
DOG
Even if he had, would he have any interest in reading a letter
from you?
&nbs