by garrett
gilchrist
(cheery
talk show set)
HOST
: In the beginning, there was nothing. And then there was something. And we owe
it all to a big, happy teddy bear of a fella we like to call ... God. He's a
great guy and a fine deity, let's give him a big hand, folks!
(riotous
applause, God walks out. He seems a bit bewildered by all the attention. The
host is enjoying it all quite a bit. Finally God decides to give a quick bow
and be done with it. The Host leads him to his chair and sits down at his desk.
Applause dies down, though not without a few last hoots and hollers.)
HOST
(fiddling with a double-erasered pencil): So, ah, God, this whole creation
thing, let me ask you this ... how did it all start?
GOD:
Oh my, yeah, that was a wild time, let me tell you. I mean, when you're young
and omnipotent, you think you can do anything.
HOST:
And you can.
GOD:
That's right, you really can! And I got this wild idea that there be light. I
think it all just followed from that, as a starter. Then I said, "Let
there be coffee!" cuz I was getting a bit down, and I sucked quite a bit
of that down and just went! I mean, nowadays there are regulations, you
couldn't do all that today, but it was a wild time where you can create a whole
universe in six days.
HOST:
Six days, that was really it then?
GOD:
Yeah. Well, off the record, I kept putting it off and putting it off so on the
sixth I did basically all of it, I pulled an all-nighter there. I needed my
rest after that, believe you me.
HOST:
Well, it's great. All of creation, it's great.
(Enormous
burst of sycophantic applause. God blushes.)
GOD:
Oh, no, it was nothing really ... I was just making it up as I went along ... I
never expected ...
(Applause
peaks further, host waves to quiet them down)
HOST:
So let's get this straight. You did the earth, the sea, sky ... erm, dolphins,
mice, cats, dogs ...
GOD:
Yeah, yeah.
HOST:
Birds, fish, humpback whales.
GOD:
Yeah.
HOST:
And man.
GOD:
Well, I had nothing else to do at the time.
(guarded
laughter from audience)
HOST:
Man worked out pretty good for you, there.
GOD:
A bit, well, ha! Oh, my ... I was definitely at a low point when I did man, I
wasn't feeling that great, and I never could get the head quite right. But I'm
glad you've done so much for yourselves, I really am.
HOST:
Begatting, and all that, well, speaking of humankind, we've got a little
surprise for you ...
GOD:
What?
HOST:
Here they are, a few of your famous sons, Moses, Mohammed, and Jesus Christ,
let's hear it folks!
(A
bit of applause as the three enter. "Ode to Joy" plays, like it's
their theme song. Jesus looks up, like the music scares him. They take their
places on the set; the host moves the bewildered God over to a less-prominent
seat.)
HOST:
Now, now, quiet down, quiet down. (to MM&J) Now, you three made God pretty
proud a while back as representatives of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity
respectively. But I know there's been some very bad blood between your
religions, so let me just ask - is it awkward for you, sitting here together,
now?
MOSES:
No.
MOHAMMED:
No.
JESUS:
No.
HOST:
But surely your followers have been squabbling and killing each other for
centuries.
MOSES:
Have they?
MOHAMMED:
That sounds wrong.
JESUS:
Look, I think I speak for all of us here, we've got to be nice to each other.
We shouldn't hate anyone just because it seems like the right thing to do.
MOSES:
Very true.
MOHAMMED:
I'm with Jesus and Moe, I can party.
MOSES:
The instigation of battle is an admittance of spiritual weakness.
(boos
from audience)
HOST:
Yeah, whatever. Look, I was talking to Mohammed in the dressing room and he
called you a whining pansy.
MOSES:
What?!
MOHAMMED:
I swear I didn't!
HOST:
Quiet. And the whole parting-of-the-red-sea thing? Jesus called it a parlor
trick.
JESUS:
I did not! You speak with the tongue of a snake.
HOST:
And Jesus, I heard Moses was saying that you had fish and loaves of bread
hidden under the table.
MOSES:
I said no such thing, Jesus.
HOST:
(beginning to lose it) Ah ... Mohammed, Jesus was saying that all you really
teach is how to take hostages and make bombs.
JESUS:
(calmly holding out hands) Sir, you are slandering thyself only.
MOHAMMED:
I would forgive thee anyway, brother Jesus.
(They
all hug. Booing from audience)
HOST:
(panicking) For crikey! Hugs ... forgiveness ... this is going to KILL our
ratings. (Hangs head ... looks around, then to back stage. God leaves, shaking
his head. Seeing God leave, the host snaps) ... No, no, settle down, we can't
have violence, you're getting TOO ROWDY, TOO ROWDY ... (they are still behaving
in perfect brotherhood. Jesus looks at him confused.) ... Stagehands, take 'em
down!
(stage
hands tackle the spiritual leaders as 70s chase music plays. Audience joins in,
mass violence.)
MOSES:
Brothers, brothers! We must not squabble amongst ourselves! We must work
together in order to fight the common enemy, the ... (felled by an audience
member's gut shot) .... daytime (cough) talk show ...
(fighting
continues, zoom in close on host, sitting on a stool.)
HOST:
My final thought for the day: What have we seen here? Only more proof that we
as a people cannot just get along. Are we all really this bad? No. You are, but
I'm certainly not. I'm better than you. I may promote the things I later
denounce in this public address, but I and I alone am ...
(He
is vaporized by a bolt of lightning. Choir music plays.)