A TOAST TO GRACIE HALL

a scene by Garrett Gilchrist

(The kitchen of a small apartment. Jane is making a sandwich. Doorbell. Stephanie enters. Long silence.)

STEPHANIE

She's dead.

JANE

I'm sorry.

STEPHANIE

I'm not. She'd been dying for years anyway, and nobody really liked her. She didn't really like anybody. She hated me. I hated her. Who cares if she's dead or not?

(Stephanie opens the cupboard and takes out a bottle of wine and a wineglass. She pours herself some wine.)

JANE

She was your mother.

STEPHANIE

Birth mother.

JANE

Birth mother.

STEPHANIE

Everybody dies. Some people die tragically young, they don't live long enough, they don't live to their potential. And some people keep on living whether you want 'em to or not. All these years she wouldn't shut up, nobody could get her to shut her mouth, well God finally did it. The great equalizer. Death can shut anybody up. (raises her glass) So let's have a toast to Gracie Hall, that crippled, bitter, angry old husk of a woman. May she finally rest in peace. (takes a sip of wine) This is good wine. You want some?

JANE

Nah.

STEPHANIE

Suit yourself.

JANE

When's the funeral?

STEPHANIE

Why?

JANE

Sorry. Just asking.

STEPHANIE

It's Tuesday at eight AM. I can't wake up that early.

JANE

I'd been talking to Roger about it ... before she died, I mean. We thought she was going to die.

STEPHANIE

Roger, is he still hanging around?

JANE

Yeah, he's just finished school. He was studying to be a doctor, but that's not going to happen now.

STEPHANIE

Why not?

JANE

He couldn't ... he couldn't take it. He said he didn't have the work ethic for it, he could never get up on time, even to go to the classes the way the other med students could. He couldn't cut it. Um, and he said he, I don't know how to take this, he said he got sick of the sight of blood. Not sick sick, he just ... didn't want to look at it anymore.

STEPHANIE

What a little pussy. I shoulda known. Is he still gay?

JANE

Yeah, he's still ... he's gay.

STEPHANIE

What a shame. What a waste.

(Stephanie takes another sip of wine.)

JANE

That's good wine, huh?

STEPHANIE

Yeah.

(Jane pours herself a glass.)

JANE

I did miss him, when he was gone. Gracie always liked him.

STEPHANIE

He musta been the one person she liked then.

JANE

I always figured, when she died, he'd be the one to give the eulogy, at the funeral.

STEPHANIE

Somebody's gotta do it.

JANE

But, like I said, before she died, um, I was talking to him about it and he said he couldn't do it. He didn't know what he could say. He never thought he really knew her. I mean, not the way you did. (beat) He wanted you to speak the eulogy.

STEPHANIE

Oh, Christ.

JANE

I mean, I know you two didn't get along, but you knew her better than anybody, and ... okay, I understand you don't want to do it. Roger can get ... he can find somebody else.

STEPHANIE

What the hell would I have to say about her? That she was a cold-hearted, shallow, drugged-up, manipulative bitch? That she ruined everyone who came within ten feet of her?

JANE

You're right, I'm sorry. I wasn't asking, I just thought I should bring it up. I was ... just making conversation.

STEPHANIE

Yeah. Okay. It's not your fault. It's her. Even in death she finds a way to mess with my head. (sips wine) I need to get drunk. More drunk than this.

JANE

Yeah. Me too. (sips wine) Roger said to say hi, by the way.

STEPHANIE

He said hi to me?

JANE

Yeah. He misses you.

STEPHANIE

Great. The one man who wants to see me and he's a gay college dropout.

JANE

He didn't drop out. He finished school. He's just ... I think he's a literature major now. Or, something like that.

STEPHANIE

How pointless of him. Well, if I'm doing nothing with my life it's good to know nobody else is doing anything with theirs either.

JANE

He wants to be a writer.

STEPHANIE

Great. He can write about not being a doctor. (sips wine) What about that roommate of his? The cute one, Doug I think his name was ...

JANE

They're still ... um, they're still roommates, in a sense. They're going out now.

STEPHANIE

Aw, yick, don't tell me things like that.

(sips wine)

JANE

That one guy at work asked about you.

STEPHANIE

The one in the brown suit?

JANE

Was he wearing a brown suit when you met him?

STEPHANIE

Yeah, he was.

JANE

Well, he wasn't wearing a brown suit, but he asked about you.

STEPHANIE

What did he ask?

JANE

How you were doing.

STEPHANIE

What did he really ask?

JANE

Shit. Well, he asked that. He also asked if you were still on the lithium pills, if you were still drinking.

STEPHANIE

Great.

JANE

Sorry.

STEPHANIE

I hope you told him I was.

JANE

I didn't know what to say.

STEPHANIE

Well, at least he asked about me. (sips wine) I guess I don't make a very good first impression. Or a second, or third. I should probably just give it up, hang up my dating hat, swear off men forever. They clearly don't care about me.

JANE

You'll find somebody.

STEPHANIE

No I won't. I'm too old to find somebody. If I was gonna find someone I'd have found them by now. Hell with it. I'm bored with it. I'm just bored in general. I'm so bored I almost miss mom. She was such a horrible person that at least bitching about her gave me something to do. Somebody to hate. Now she's finally keeled over and I almost miss her. Almost, not quite. There, how's that for a eulogy?

JANE

(smiles) Pretty bad.

STEPHANIE

Yeah, I know. I was never good at that sort of bullshit.

JANE

You know, if you're so bored, you should do something about it.

STEPHANIE

Sounds like something she'd say.

JANE

Well, she'd be right.

STEPHANIE

You're missing the point. I'm out of things to do. I've made a boring mess of my life and now I'm living in it. Nothing wrong with that. To try and live any other way would be a lie. If I had any money ...

JANE

Do you need money?

STEPHANIE

Of course I need money. Everybody needs money. If I had money I could go out and do things instead of sitting on my ass and watching TV all night.

JANE

I can lend you some money.

STEPHANIE

I don't need money from you. Really, I don't. It wouldn't change anything anyway.

JANE

Are you sure?

(beat)

STEPHANIE

Yeah, I'm sure.

JANE

Will you be at the funeral on Tuesday?

STEPHANIE

It's so damned early.

JANE

But will you be there?

STEPHANIE

I dunno, lemme check my appointment book. Yeah, of course I'll be there. What else is there to do? At least I'll get to see everybody again. It's been a long time.

JANE

Yeah, it has.

STEPHANIE

That's a sign you're getting old, when even the people you hate are dying off on you. Remember when we were younger, and the only ones who died were the good ones, dying young? (beat) Shit, that's depressing, I'm sorry.

JANE

I haven't even kept track of where anybody went after college. I wonder where they all are now. Wonder how they're doing.

STEPHANIE

Maybe they're all dead. Maybe they all got mauled by bears.

JANE

Maybe.

STEPHANIE

That would be kinda funny. Sad, but funny. Like, remember Anthony?

JANE

Yeah.

STEPHANIE

Mauled by a bear. Chris-Anne?

JANE

Mm-hmm.

STEPHANIE

Mauled by a bear. Tim?

JANE

This isn't funny.

STEPHANIE

Jackie, now Jackie was thrown off a cliff, pecked to death by vultures and THEN mauled by a bear.

JANE

Okay, now that's funny. Only because it's Jackie, though.

STEPHANIE

I actually miss Jackie.

JANE

Yeah, me too. Even the worst people you wind up missing after a while.

STEPHANIE

Like Gracie.

JANE

Yeah, like Gracie.

STEPHANIE

I'm not missing her yet.

JANE

Okay. (sips wine) I can't believe you brought up Jackie. I haven't thought about her in years.

STEPHANIE

Me either.

JANE

You remember that night at the bowling alley? When she got really drunk and sucked off Rick Jenson in the parking lot?

STEPHANIE

Oh, jesus. (laughs) I'd forgotten all about that. What a whore.

JANE

Weird how things just pop into your mind after you thought you'd forgotten everything years ago. All of a sudden I remember that clear as yesterday. I can't even remember what happened to me yesterday.

STEPHANIE

Rick Jenson, where's he nowadays?

JANE

He's still around. I actually saw him about two months ago. He's been married for years now, has three kids.

STEPHANIE

No shit.

JANE

Yeah.

STEPHANIE

Who'd he marry?

JANE

Kristen Butler.

STEPHANIE

He married Butler?

JANE

Yeah, you remember, right after graduation.

STEPHANIE

No, I don't remember. I don't think I knew about that.

JANE

You weren't at the wedding?

STEPHANIE

No. Were you?

JANE

Yeah.

STEPHANIE

He got married and didn't invite me?

JANE

Oh, right. That was the year you went to Michigan.

STEPHANIE

Oh yeah. I was so stupid.

JANE

You were chasing a guy, right?

STEPHANIE

That was when I was going out with Michael. He moved to Michigan, and I thought I wanted to marry him and ... I was really stupid.

JANE

You wanted to marry Michael?

STEPHANIE

Yeah.

JANE

I didn't know that.

STEPHANIE

That was a loooong time ago.

JANE

Yeah.

STEPHANIE

Turned out the whole time we were together he was banging Nancy Beck.

JANE

Really? Holy shit. You never told me that.

STEPHANIE

Yeah. I was really stupid.

JANE

I just saw Nancy.

STEPHANIE

Great. I wish I'd been there. I coulda punched her in the face.

JANE

She's got cancer.

STEPHANIE

Aw, fuck. Now I can't say anything bad about her.

JANE

Sure you can.

STEPHANIE

Nah, forget it. (pours herself another glass of wine) Rick Jenson. And Jackie. Man.

JANE

They're tearing down that old bowling alley, you know.

STEPHANIE

I didn't know it was still standing.

JANE

Yeah, it's still there. Looks the same too. Stepping in, it's like walking into a time warp.

STEPHANIE

Not for much longer though.

JANE

No. They're tearing it down in a couple weeks. There's actually a campaign going on to save it. If you can believe that. Some people are saying it's a historic structure.

STEPHANIE

Jesus. People have no lives.

JANE

I signed the petition.

STEPHANIE

You did?

JANE

Yeah.

STEPHANIE

Well, it's sad that it's getting torn down. Mom used to take me there when I was a kid.

JANE

You mean Gracie?

STEPHANIE

Yeah. Gracie, mom, bitch whore, she used to take me there every saturday. I'd play in the duckpin aisles because I couldn't lift the little balls. Every Saturday at noon, right after the early morning monster movie on TV. Dracula, the Wolf man, The Invisible Man, and duck pin bowling. That was my weekend. It was fun. (sips drink) So the place is still open?

JANE

Yeah, it's still standing. Still open all night. Still smells like beer and piss.

STEPHANIE

Cool.

JANE

You wanna go?

STEPHANIE

To the bowling alley?

JANE

Yeah.

STEPHANIE

Jesus god. It's a Saturday night, we're two grown women and you want me to spend the night in a decrepit old bowling alley?

JANE

Just an idea.

STEPHANIE

Sure. Let's go.

JANE

You mean it?

STEPHANIE

Yeah. It's not like we have anything better to do.

JANE

Cool. I'll get my coat.

(Jane walks to the coat rack and grabs her coat. She puts it on.)

STEPHANIE

I can bowl a round for mom. (laughs) Maybe Rick Jenson'll be there, in the parking lot.

JANE

With Kristen Butler.

STEPHANIE

I can't believe he married Kristen Butler.

JANE

They've been married for years!

STEPHANIE

Yeah, but she was so fat!

(They start to head out the door.)

JANE

She wasn't fat.

STEPHANIE

She was chunky.

JANE

She was not.

STEPHANIE

Chunkier than I was. I was hot then. I shoulda had Rick Jenson.

JANE

I think he's an alcoholic.

STEPHANIE

Oh. Forget him then.

(Jane closes the door, and they walk out into the night.)