OPENING TO AN UNMADE FANTASY FILM

By Garrett Gilchrist

7.10.99/7.18.99.

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FADE FROM BLACK

1 INTERIOR - ENDLESSLY BLACK DUNGEON - DAY

We can see nothing, and only hear the breathing of an angry beast

and the crackling of fire. Then a flash of LIVING FIRE falls across

our field of view, casting long shadows and igniting the dungeon hall.

We see over its shoulder POV, but cannot yet see what it is looking at.

It is snarling like a large feral dog, and in fact that is what it is,

only black, enormous and skeletal, birthed in fire and covered in it

head to toe. A hulking barbarian-type, EFF, moves his massive form

into distant, shadowed view. He is covered in armor and weaponry, and

seems distant and unfazed. He is just over six feet tall, but his armor

seems to add two feet to that.

LIVING FIRE BEAST

If you have any concern for your own salvation, you will depart my sight

at once!

EFF spits and scratches himself.

LIVING FIRE BEAST

Do you want to die, mortal?

EFF

[mechanically, thick Austrian accent]

I want you to die, canine puppy.

LIVING FIRE BEAST

It is the same thing. Begone with you. You and all who've ever met you shall

feel my wrath.

EFF

I would like to know what a wrath feels like.

The LIVING FIRE lets out a terrible primal screech, and launches into EFF with

all its demonic might. EFF blocks its attack with a large battleaxe as it hits

high, and with his armored fist as it hits low. The FIRE BEAST is knocked down,

but launches searing waves of fire from its arm. These coat EFF, and he is thrown

back.

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2 INTERIOR - CITY DINER - DAY

CUT ABRUPTLY to an ordinary eatery, present-day. There are muffins about. CHESTER

DUPRIS and MAGGIE WINTHROP, an upscale-urban couple, are arguing. They have been

eating pancakes, and Maggie's are finished. One of Chester's remains. Cheesy musak.

CHESTER

I'm not trying to attach any special significance to it. I'm just saying that it's

an example of what's going to cause the final breakdown of our society.

MAGGIE

Don't do this, Chess. You know I hate it when you do this.

CHESTER

I don't know if I can believe you respect me anymore.

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3 INTERIOR - ENDLESSLY BLACK DUNGEON - DAY

As before. The LIVING FIRE and the warlord EFF are battling with all their might.

War drums echo in the distance. EFF barely escapes getting his head burned off, then

swings around with a massive sword and removes the FIRE BEAST's tail. It screams in pain

and anger.

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4 INTERIOR - CITY DINER - DAY

CUT BACK as before, again abruptly.

CHESTER

Classically, of course, the man is supposed to pay for a meal, because men were

always raised to be the breadwinners, and that pays respect to the female gender.

That I can understand. But it's only common courtesy that after the male in the

group has paid for meal after meal after meal, that the female just pay him the

courtesy of saying, "Do you want me to pick up the check, honey or darling?" I

mean, the man, if he wants to be known as a real mean, would probably pay the thing

anyway, but ...

MAGGIE

Aargh! I hate you, I really do.

CHESTER

See? This is exactly what I'm talking about. If we want to manage ourselves as a

couple, we need to do it on a foundation of trust and mutual respect. I mean, what

are we here, barbarians?

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5 INTERIOR - ENDLESSLY BLACK DUNGEON - DAY

As before. EFF is desperately trying to crack the FIRE BEAST's skull. His armor is

catching fire and melting away, but if he takes even a moment to notice he will

surely die. He swings a mace at the creature's neck, but it rolls away, and disappears

through a wall. The wall is carpeted in pink for reasons unknown, and as the LIVING

FIRE sinks into it, the carpet burns. Screaming and with sword in hand, a half-flaming

EFF runs into the carpet himself.

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6 INTERIOR - CITY DINER - DAY

CHESTER

The problem with our relationship is a breakdown of courtesy.

MAGGIE

No, the problem is that you're an idiot who's too cheap to pay for his own food.

CHESTER

Now see, that, that hurts.

Suddenly, a burst of LIVING FIRE falls across the diner. None of the patrons notice it,

especially not MAGGIE and CHESTER. They go along eating and arguing as the warlord EFF

and his firey nemesis engage in flaming battle right next to them.

MAGGIE

You want to talk about pain? What about the pain you've given me, huh? You

inconsiderate jerk. You don't care about anything. You just want to live in

your own little world, and not have to notice anything else.

The table they are sitting at catches fire, along with an entire rack of napkins.

CHESTER

I don't understand where you're getting any of this. Have we been in the same

relationship here? Six months of broken dates and empty promises, and suddenly

I'm the bad guy here? Well, pardon me, miss socially aware. I'm gonna show you

how much I think of your advice. I can show you right now. Let's look at this

pancake, huh? Yummy. But what it really needs is some butter.

EFF's fist just misses CHESTER's head as he reaches down for the butter. He slathers

it all over the pancake.

CHESTER [cont.]

Mm, that's good stuff.

MAGGIE

Chester, don't.

CHESTER takes a bite of pure butter.

CHESTER

Oh yeah. But let's get a little syrup on there, all right?

MAGGIE

Chess! You know you have to watch your calories!

CHESTER grabs the syrup. A fireball grazes the top of his head. Still, no one notices.

He drowns the pancake in the stuff.

CHESTER

Yeah, that's the ticket.

He grabs his fork and begins to devour the pancake with glee.

MAGGIE

Please stop, Chester. It's not funny. Stop it, right now. That's disgusting. Do you

know what they put in that stuff? It'll kill you, Chess. I don't want to be responsible

for that. It'd require way too much therapy. My mother would just die. Chess! Chester!

Are you listening to me?

Finally, EFF kills the FIRE BEAST. Its flame goes out, and he sticks a longsword straight

into the beast's heart. Blood flows all over the diner floor. EFF seems pleased, and

chops the beast's head off as well, quickly, attaching it to his belt as a trophy. CHESTER

has finished his pancake, and burps.

MAGGIE [cont.]

Oh, god. You're such a primitive. Such a ... man. You're the filthiest man I know.

EFF lets out a war cry.

CHESTER

Yeah, yeah, sorry. I just had to get it out of my system. I'm done now.

MAGGIE

Are you finally going to pay for the check, then?

CHESTER

Yes, yes.

MAGGIE

Good. [motioning with hand] Waitress!

Their burnt-out table collapses into bits at last, and they are thrown off it hard.

CHESTER

I suppose this is my fault too.

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7 TITLES ON BLACK B.G.

MUSIC STARTS: "Hell's Pancakes - Overture"

A neon "diner" sign flickers on and steadies itself, in bright off-primary hues.

HELL'S PANCAKES

(open 24 hours)

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8 INTERIOR - CITY DINER - DAY

As before, but a few seconds later. The diner is beginning to catch on fire.

EFF stands triumphantly in the midst of his destruction. A sense of fear and panic

is rising, though many of the CUSTOMERS still refuse to see the warlord. CHESTER and

MAGGIE are on the ground.

MAGGIE

Something's not right here.

DINER PATRON

My god, that tablecloth's on fire! Hey, fire! FIRE! Shit!

CHESTER

What's going on here?

MAGGIE

Maybe you should ask HIM.

She gestures toward EFF. BIG TILT CLOSEUP up on him.

CHESTER

[nervously]

Oh, um, hello.

EFF says nothing, simply turns and walks straight through the main diner counter, crushing

it to bits with his body mass. Dishes shatter everywhere, plywood is crushed into splinters,

and the fire is spreading all over the place. A WAITRESS grabs a fire extinguisher and tries

to put the blaze out. Nearly all the CUSTOMERS exit coughing. CHESTER is walking towards the

smoke-covered EFF, who pulls a large cigar from his belt and lights it with one of the

burning tables, producing more smoke, and walks into it.

CHESTER [cont.]

Mister, you're going to have to pay for the damage you're causing! Won't somebody call

the police? Or the national guard? Hey, come back here!

EFF, without looking, punches CHESTER's face in, crushing his nose completely and splattering

blood everywhere.

CHESTER [cont.]

Oh!

CHESTER hits the ground, hard, and one of the tables falls on him. EFF disappears into

the smoke, treading into the dark halls where the kitchen, restrooms and "employees-only"

rooms should be tucked away. Show CHESTER, bloodied and in great pain, crushed beneath

a sharp table. MAGGIE is dragging him even more painfully out from under it.

MAGGIE

Chess, Chester, get up! Look, if you haven't noticed, this diner is on fire, dammit.

You can mope in your apartment. Come on!

CHESTER groans and pushes her away, then gets out from under the table himself. He is covered

with blood, but we realize he is not seriously hurt.

CHESTER

I think I need a glass of water.

MAGGIE

Yeah, yeah, right. Let's get out of this place.

CHESTER

No. I've got to find out who that violent fellow is.

CHESTER runs after the smoke trail, but MAGGIE grabs him easily and drags him out of the

diner. Show EFF finishing his cigar as he flips open an "employees only" door and rubs the

carpet on the door's backside. He tosses the cigar away, and his smoke trail turns to fire.

The WAITRESS ducks as the air itself turns ablaze. EFF exits into the carpet, with a great

gust of cold air backfiring as he does, which overtakes the fire and the WAITRESS completely.

Everything flips back into its proper place and looks surprisingly nice and neat. But

the entire place is completely black. The waitress, her mind gone, falls heavily into

a chair.

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9 EXTERIOR - CITY STREET - DAY

A well-dressed black man, whose name is EDWARD, is standing on the street corner trying to

hail a taxicab.

CHESTER

Taxi! Hello, taxi!

MAGGIE, dragging a protesting CHESTER out of the destroyed diner, steps out in front of him,

paying him no mind.

MAGGIE

I swear, Chess, you're like a child sometimes. Taxi!

A cab stops immediately in front of her, and she pulls herself and CHESTER past EDWARD and

into it.

EDWARD

Hey, wait ...

MAGGIE

Take us to 38th and 5th, driver, and make it go like zip.

CHESTER slams the door, and the cab pulls away at medium speed.

EDWARD

Well, can you beat that?

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11 INTERIOR - TAXICAB - DAY

MAGGIE

Well, you almost got us both killed in there. I hope you're happy.

CHESTER

I just wanted to get a good look at the guy, that's all.

MAGGIE

For heaven's sake, why?

CHESTER

Curiosity, maybe. No, social obligation.

MAGGIE

He was a dangerous lunatic.

CHESTER

We could have identified him, for the police. Possibly.

MAGGIE

It really stinks in here, doesn't it?

CHESTER

Mm.

CABBIE

Hey! I will not have you insulting my cab.

CHESTER

Er, sorry.

CABBIE

What, you think I don't try to keep it clean? I live in this cab. Three years, I drive it.

No breaks. You think you are so great, because you go home to the happy place, 38th and

5th, puh! At 38th and 5th you know nothing. 38th and 5th, that is not a world. The world

is everywhere but 38th and 5th. You think you got a world? Well, I got a real world, right

here, and I shut up now.

CHESTER

I'm extremely sorry if I've hurt your feelings.

CABBIE

No, no, nothing hurt. I shut up now.

CHESTER

If we seem at all high-strung it's simply that we've had a rather odd experience.

CABBIE

Hey, hey, I say I shut up. What else you want, ah?

CHESTER looks at MAGGIE and decides the best tactic to be silence. He rubs his bloodied nose

weakly, and the cab ride proceeds silently for some time. Then suddenly, something monstrous

runs right into the path of the cab.

CHESTER

HEY, watch out for that ... AAGHH!

MAGGIE screams. The CABBIE tries to swerve out of the way, but hits the thing hard. It is

a large red LIONOSAUR not unlike the fire-beast seen earlier, though not ablaze. The cab

crashes into it and crumples, then is flipped over violently by the fifteen-foot beast. All

inside scream, and CHESTER gets hurt once again. It moves in a catlike way and bites into

the side of the cab like a tuna can.

CABBIE

Saints preserve me!

MAGGIE

What is going on today? Geez!

Suddenly, the carpeted floor of the tipped-over cab rustles, and two large, dark, muscular

arms pop out of it. They are EFF's, and he pulls himself out of the carpet once again,

drawing a large sword, which scares and impresses MAGGIE, and slicing the cab open. He

leaps out impressively and pops into a fighting stance.

EFF

Hey, pussy. Playtime's over. You're my lunch now.

The LIONOSAUR grunts, and turns toward EFF, teeth bared and roaring.