Filmmakers Fail to Make Film, Again - March 15, 2004 : 2pm - svw
Portland, OR - Local Oregonian legends, Chris Mundane and Skippy Von Weidersheim, failed to even make the semblance of a film, again, this past week. When asked why, Skippy replied "I am so hungover right now I can't believe I even answered the phone. Wait, who is this again?"
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Golden Bar Productions Announces Casting Call – March 15, 2004 : 11am - cm
Chicago, IL - Brandon Fatone, director, producer, CEO of the independent film production company "Golden Bar," has announced a casting call for his latest project "Oops Your Mom Might be Jesus" -- the sequel to 2003's "Oops I Might be a Teenage Jesus."
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Filmmaker Defiant Facing the Accusation of Bad Taste – March 14, 2004 - cm
Salem, MA - – The citizen watchdog group "Concerned Citizens for the Decency of Cable Access Programming" has issued a complaint against "Why Bother Productions" director Robin Savage, over his use of news footage in his latest film "The Last Days of Tokyo."
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Area Filmmaker Cries Foul About Hollywood Disregarding His Potential – March 12, 2004 - cm
Des Moines, IA - Simon Shepherd of "Dirty Ol’ Pickup Productions" is unhappy these days. He believes the Hollywood movie machine has been treating him unfairly. "You can’t judge people based on their experience. It just isn’t fair," complained Simon, "You need to judge people based on their potential."
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Area Filmmaker Thinks He’s Better Then His Peers – March 12, 2004 - cm
Perry Anderson of "Crazy Fancy Dancing" productions thinks his movies are better then his friends’ movies. "Yeah we all make shit. But my movies are better simply because I can recognize the flaws." Perry offers the following logical explanation: "Those sons of bitches are totally defensive when you criticize their movies. But I’m not. I’m totally honest and open for criticism and that makes me a better filmmaker. Since I’m a better filmmaker, my movies are better. It’s just as simple as that."
Local Filmmaker heads for Hollywood - March 11, 2004 - cm
Olympia, WA – On Monday, Jared Edison of the "Good Home Cooking" entertainment group announced to his family and friends that he is heading for Hollywood to pursue his life-long dream of becoming a movie director. "I’ve delayed my dream long enough. And now it’s the perfect time to go for it," said Jared, at his parent’s modest ranch, on a horse, wearing a skydiving helmet, and drinking whisky contained in a recycled SunnyD bottle.
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Date Rapist Makes Film! March 11, 2004 - svw
Kansas City, Missouri - local filmmaker Maurice McHortenbach has finally finished his first important work of video magic. You'll remember Maurice from last year's Pause Video Awards, where he was declared "filmmaker so bad he probably date rapes women for sex." Well in the past week, Maurice has struck back with a fury, shaming those that dare to judge him.
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Terror is On Sale Again! - March 16, 2004 : 4:30pm - goy
Boston, MA - Everyone's favorite hype artist, Goy McGonagall, is at it again! Apparantly G.M. has learned a lot by skrewing people over with his horrible comedies, in the past, and is now trying to convince the world that they should pay for his new brand of backyard horror crap. Why is this film the scary one, you ask? BECAUSE IT IS ABOUT A YOUNG GUY IN AN OLD MASK! Appropriately titled "Old Guy," the story is apparently retarded.
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Random Poo Casting Fling - March 16, 2004 : 3:45pm - dts
Boston, MA - Random Poo Pictures has begun casting non-union talent for an upcoming short called "Behind the Scenes, We Are Working." There are three main roles that they are looking to cast, including a lead female, lead male and a supporting female. Apparantly they already have people narrowed down for the lead roles, so i don't know why i just mentioned that except that it makes it seem more like this is an actual picture, because they have "leads" and they're already taken care of. don'tchaknow.
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Rumor Mill: Kids Says the Retardest Things. – March 10, 2004 - cm
My cousin knows a guy who is a friend of this guy working at this movie company I can’t tell you the name of because that’ll get the dude in trouble but anyway, supposely he heard that the hit TV show "Kids Say the Darndest Things" is being adapted into a feature movie! Now get this, instead of the normal kids, this movie will have bunch of retarded kids. So the basic concept is, these new hot retards will read from a Safeway coupon book and make retarded comments and the audience would laugh at them. Dude it’s like the totally hardcore version that the original show didn’t have the balls to put on the network television because it was too risqué. So anyway, it will be like a cross between "Cheaper by the Dozen" and "Sling Blade." Hooray for comedy! Just remember you heard it here first!
Passion for Jesus Christ Unexpectedly Turned into Passion for Dirty Dancing. - March 09, 2004 - cm
Quebec – On Saturday, Filmmaker Andy Volstrum of "Scared Squirrel Productions" attended a screening of the "Passion of the Christ." Andy was well aware of the media hype, but was prepared to watch this latest Jesus opus with an open mind. "Yeah many people said it’s too violent and too bloody. But you know, I’m prepared for all that. Because it’s like... it’s the Jesus, so it can’t go wrong you know. What I’m trying to say is, there is nothing that reaffirms and celebrates Christian values more than watching Jesus being tortured to death on the big screen with all that Digital Surround Sound."
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Hey now, that's a cute little feller... - March 05, 2004 - svw
What if just gave you a little tickle here under the chiAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AOH!! oHH ifh aiuA grrrrr! Ahgk! KIK! kurrjusickle! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! OOWWWWWW! GOOD LORD IT HAS FANG! OHHHHHH THE PAIN! SO MUCH BLOOAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP! OAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE BLEEDING! ARGHHHHHH! WHERE ARE MY PANTS!!@!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!
Area Filmmaker Enjoyed the Movie "Human Nature" - March 05, 2004 - cm
BALTIMORE, MD - "What a stunning, wickedly funny gem of a movie. If it was an ice cream, it would have been the almond mocha with a tinge of frosting, and yellow sprinkles, oh yes definitely yellow sprinkles." said Ron Petersen, the local filmmaker currently working on his third feature-length movie - Black Ink - a thriller about a murderous Hewlett Packard inkjet printer. "I haven't laughed this hard since Sloviach Mosavistein, the ex-council member of the Yugoslavia's house judiciary committee died of liver failure. That alcoholic, womanizing bastard got exactly what he deserved, exactly." Petersen also claims to have watched and enjoyed most of the Michel Gondry's music videos. Petersen also added, "Hey I don't mean to name drop, but my neighbor's cousin knows Timothy Steinbeck, who worked as a grip on the movie Die Hard: With a Vengeance."
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