What the ffuck? - March 04, 2004 - svw
We've been getting a lot of complaints for having a shitty website that's never updated. So everyone from the fforums has kicked our effeminate old webmaster, Garrett "pinkie pie" Gilchrist, off of the site, and moved in together to form a collective, whose sole purpose shall be the pursuit of REAL news about underground filmmaking. The vow was taken, "No stone shall go unturned, the truth shall be unearthed." And then we all died and this website was mysteriously redesigned to accomodate daily updates.
No, don't ask why. Just enjoy it while it lasts. or, alternately, tell us how much you hate it in the forums. And send us your own daily news via a private message to wrenny or tygerbug also in the forums.
Retch Ed Lee Bad Getting Worse - March 01, 2004 - svw
There's a lot of cool lead-up press happening for Retch Ed Productions with the pending release of Bobby Sue Johnson Gets Married, the company's latest wedding video. Eddie Lee Bonders, Retch's CEO, says : "Remember kids, don't worry about bears or coyotes in the woods - getting married is a beautiful rewarding experience and everyone should be honored to pay for a record of their ceremonies."
The latest media from this marriage is the music video Helloooo Housewife!, performed by Retchingrightnow. You can swing by and check it out at their site.
Guy Actually Thinks It's Newsworthy That He Got a Haircut - March 05, 1953 - jws
An effeminate filmmaker/webmaster who hasn't actually released a film in four years has posted an important press release on our forums. It's not about him actually putting another film out. It's not about him shooting a film, writing a film, even learning how to spell the word "film." Nope, this incredibly important news bulletin is about how he just got a haircut. And how he's not happy with the haircut, thinking it looks too short, spiky and lame. Lame is indeed the word that comes to mind. This is indeed an important day for the amateur filmmaking community. I mean, a haircut. Jesus Christ.
Guy Wears a Funny Hat - March 05, 1981 - jws
A guy wore a funny hat this week, as part of an attempt to make somebody laugh. The hat was large, white and puffy, and had a various-colored pattern on it. The guy was also wearing an ironic t-shirt, perhaps inspired by some old kitschy children's cartoon like Schoolhouse rock. He also wore shades and attempted not to laugh at his own hat. Yes indeed, this guy was wearing a funny hat. He was getting down and funky. It is not known at this time whether this hat actually made anyone laugh or not. In truth, it's not really a very funny hat and we here at FF find it rather boring. We will have more updates on this breaking story as they develop.
Actress is Attractive - March 05, 1999 - jws
An amateur movie actress was attractive this week. Like, in that one scene where she was sitting on the couch? Yeah, that one. You know the scene I mean. And she's talking to the one guy, and he's such a lamer. A lame guy like that could only get a cute chick like that in a movie. Why can't I get a woman like that? Oh, right, I'm a total nerd. Sigh. Yes, I'm a nerd and writing a fake news update on a crappy amateur movie humor site. That no one reads or cares about. Women don't like me. I've watched The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers about 80 times apiece. Anyway, to summarize, an amateur movie actress was attractive this week, breaking the usual trend of amateur directors casting women that are underage, too chunky, or just not quite attractive enough to star in a major feature film. This is because amateur movie directors are too shy and pathetic to ever talk to an attractive woman, even if it's just to pathetically beg her to be in a crappy movie. Still, the women who star in amateur movies are always much more attractive than the guys who direct amateur movies could actually get. They can get them to be in movies, but if they ever asked them out, the girl would laugh and never speak to the guy again. Like that one girl. Seriously, you think she'd ever go out with me?
NEW ARTICLE! "this page has been viewed many times since it was published ..." by Bianco Feiss - March 05, 1624 - jws
Signore Bianco Alberto Amato Feiss checks in today with a new article that looks back at some of our 1.5-year history here on the site - but more importantly an article that looks at the very nature of filmmaking itself. Can taking an image of something preserve it forever? Can filmmaking kill death? Check out this new and very poetic article - "This Page Has Been Viewed Many Times Since it Was Published." It is so beautiful you may cry like a clown.
NEW ARTICLE! "a critical reaction to my cousin bianco's article 'this page has been viewed many times since it was published ...'" by Dean Feiss - March 05, 1624 - jws
Oh no! Our own Dean Feiss (a professor of the English Language at Munich University in Rome) has decided to write a critical reaction to his cousin Bianco's recent article "This Page Has Been Viewed Many Times Since it Was Published." Dean has a lot to say as usual - although I smell another family feud on our hands. Dean is the rebel of the family it would seem, always criticizing and analyzing everything his family members say. But his analysis of Bianco's article is brilliant and pure poetry as always - the sort of prose that screams to be read our loud. So, enjoy Dean Feiss' "a critical reaction to my cousin bianco's article 'this page has been viewed many times since it was published ...'
In The Future Everyone Will Be Lame - March 03, 2099 - svw
Movie news websites around the interweb are all reporting that fat nerds are the future. No longer is it necessary to make good movies. It's only necessary to make websites promoting all the movies you haven't actually finished, edited or even shot, and acting like you're God's gift to filmmaking. No talent hacks continue to breed at an alarming rate, and wear shiny sunglasses, and become really poor traffic cops.
You are no exception. No matter how many videos you claim to be making.
The only way out is to either put your talent where your mouth is (that sounds disgusting) and just make a good movie, dammit, and send it to us, or else, neuter yourself today. please. Join the fight against your own lameness.
Get high - Sugarhigh! - March 07, 2004 - jws
We've got two new Sugarhigh Crusade comic strips today, from Garrett Gilchrist. The long-running (since 1999) comic about a group of adventurers and a cute chick continues in episodes #59 and #60. In episode 59, the catfight between Seven and her rival Darlene continues. In episode 60, Lord Aleric whines like a little baby. To read the entire 60 strip story, and Garrett's political strips as well, visit the Sugarhigh Crusade webpage.
Dead Whores Make Great Cinema! - March 05, 2004 - svw
The underground filmmaking community suffered another blow today, when the body of 13 year old Beatrice Whippleby was found discarded in an internet crevasse after filming wrapped on Amazing Creation's latest opus "ded grrl". Yet another victim of the wide spread "underground horror movie cult of flabby exploitation," Beatrice was the third suffragette to suffer needlessly this week in the name of bad cinema. Despite the ongoing setback to underground cinema's prestige, it now appears that all 2 of those persons involved in the production of "ded grrl" have just signed 3 pictures deals at Paramount. So at least some good has come of this tragedy. ... no, wait.
UPDATE: 6:07pm (pst)
Despite her recent rocky death, sources indicate that Beatrice Whippleby may soon be working in movies where she can wear real clothes and speak real lines! For more on this breaking story, check out Extreme Associates .com.
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