Entertainment
created by and for the no-budget filmmaking
community. We all work our asses off making movies not enough people watch.
FASTFORWARD is a chance for us to talk to other people just as messed-up as we are, relax and laugh about it. Send
submissions/comments/complaints to
TOP STORY: We're back! We're bad!
Many thanks to Mr. Warren
Blyth, who designed our new look. You like it? It's a whole new
Fastforward, and to say we're better than ever is an understatement,
because, well, before we weren't that good. The new site is crammed to the
gills with kickass articles, radio, photoshop features and hours and hours
of movies you can watch online! You could go crazy trying to browse
through all this great stuff. And thanks to our updated Forum we're now a
real honest community here. I'm proud of the new site. It's the sort of
site I always wanted to find online. I hope you like it too. Welcome
back.
Fastforward Premiere: Karate Pate 3!
Oregon's Bravado Entertainment brings us this issue's exclusive premiere. We are proud to bring you their newest short, Karate Pate 3: The Vernal Season. This is a 22 meg, 13 minute file in Windows Media Player format, which makes me want to smack Warren Blyth since I am on a mac. Anyway, in this excitingly pointless short, Alan Winston fights Warren Blyth for some reason. Confusingly choppy editing and horrible special effects ensue, along with some embarrassingly overlong dialogue. Enjoy. Jonason Ho directs, and as he says , "this film has a twist ending that's so shocking you'll piss your pants." Visit the website!
Jay Bauman presents: Monkey Make Movie: Blood! We are proud to present a new instructional video series from Milwaukee's Blanc Screen Cinema. In Monkey Make Movie: Episode 1 (Realplayer, 11.7 MB, 4.5 minutes long), Jay Bauman and his lovely assistant Bingo show you how to make convincing blood effects for your no-budget movie productions.
New Video from Bravado/Funeral Home/Junk !
Warren Blyth will drive you mad with the short, meaningless strangeness his Gauntlet series continues to achieve. Lending a Helping Hand to the Poor, a rape of a script by Jenn Edgar, is Warren's latest. It's an 8 MB Quicktime file. There's also the matter of Jenn Edgar's Three-Way Confusion. This is a 7.48 meg Windows Media Player file, which, again, makes me want to smack Warren since I'm on a mac. But with lovely weirdness like this, my urge to kill has lowered so much I am unable to. I'll get you next time, Warren Blyth! NEXT TIME!
New Video from Blanc Screen Cinema Jay Bauman in Milwaukee just sent me a great tape full of stuff, so here's a couple short highlights for you ... There's a Fade to Black Spoof (2.2 mb, Realplayer) starring Jay, Jesse Sorgatz and Kyle Laurent, and the Clowns and Suicide Trailer (6.5 mb, Realplayer) ... this trailer was edited by Mike Stoklasa and played at this year's Camp Rewind and Camp Fastforward. Jay also sent me 30 edited minutes of the actual movie (!), but I don't think I can show that to you guys ... yet ...
Holy Shit, We've Got a Lot of Fucking Video Here
GO TO OUR NEW
VIDEO SITE! I have posted 45 video files in our video section. That is
mostly full movies up to an hour long, with clips and trailers. That is a
lot of freaking video. I hope you like it. Companies featured include GMP,
Blanc Screen, Orange Cow, and Bravado, but many many other groups show up
as actors.
Jesus is dead so here comes Ming! GO TO OUR NEW MING
SITE! I have been a Ming fan for some time. His rants about everyday
life were by far the most entertaining thing to come out of the site he
wrote for, and I was very happy indeed when he decided to donate all those
old articles to
our site and write new ones. We have EIGHTEEN
ARTICLES from the glory days of Ming, and he has begun a new
column called "CHRIST DIED FOR THIS?" which will begin shortly. In his
spare time, Ming is the highly-acclaimed creator of over three dozen short films, and known as
perhaps the hardest-working man in no-budget show business. So, behold --
Ming!
Hallo Friends ... it's Sergio
again! GO TO OUR
SERGIO SITE! Probably the longest-running prank character at the old
forum was Sergio, an immigrant filmmaker and director of "Look Out Ghost!"
The character was controversial among those at the boards who disliked
anything funny, as usual, but grew to be a part of the family. Sergio was
actually Mike Stoklasa, who later wrote a (quite good) screenplay starring
the character and started to produce it as an animated film.The project
was too ambitious, and Mike was unable to complete it. But here are all
the original posts ... the magic of Sergio!
It's a nice long read if you like that sort of thing.
New Articles from Alan and Dean
Feiss I received an article in the mail from one
Alan Feiss, a German academic who seems very passionate about movies ...
actually I have no idea what he's talking about in this article, but I've
posted it anyway. I
Do Not Think Only I Marmonne (by Alan Feiss). There's
more - shortly after I posted this article, I got a letter from Alan's
brother Dean. I couldn't really tell, but I think he was angry at Alan
over some of the content in that article. Dean sent me his own
impassionedly-written article: Image
D'Un Chapeau (by Dean Feiss). A couple of days later,
Dean seemed VERY angry but had something to say about the art of comedy!
Check out his second article: I
Think Enough I Have Been Reserved (by Dean Feiss). Yeah,
I don't understand these things either.
New Music from John Brug "Bruggy Brug Bruggo" Man - featuring Radio Man! Our master of "133t phat beatz" checks in with some strangely good musical insanity. It seems
our Fastforward
Radio program and its host, Radio Man, has inspired three of his
musical escapades. Check it out -- Radio
Man Rockin' (featuring Deejay), This is
a Musical (featuring lots of strange samples), and Theme
to the Motion Picture "Moon Beast". (If you don't know of Moon
Beast, click here.)
Brug has an odd talent for making the bizarre more entertaining than
it is. Also, he has facial hair like a chainsaw sculpture. So check these
songs out. Also, in other musical news, Tim McDermott, formerly of a band
called 50 O'Clock (infamous for their contributions to the old Orange Cow
movies), sends us a song from a band he used to be in more recently ...
not as a vocalist. Enjoy The Best
Next Thing: "Live From The Other Side of the Pillow."
LATEST
PHOTOSHOPS We've got some great new images from John Brug "Bruggy Brug Bruggo" Man
and Garrett Gilchrist in the gallery.
We've also got a look back at the classic Photoshop
Phun: Gods and Rewind thread, and a look back at Camp
Fastforward 2002. Check out our new FEATURES
SECTION - it's all there.
Webmaster Speaks of
Himself in the Third Person Filmmaker Michael
Wasem spoke of himself in the third person today, while updating the
website for his new movie, "Teddy Bears and Razor Blades." "We are very
excited about this film," he wrote while speaking of a film no one but him
knows about. "It's easily the best work we've ever done." Wasem also wrote
his own biography for the page, referring to himself as "Michael," "the
director," and even "Mr. Wasem," when "I" and "me" would have been more
appropriate. Michael wrote about himself: "When he's not making films, Mr.
Wasem enjoys rollerblading and playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City."
Michael enjoyed the experience of referring to himself in the third
person, making it seem as if someone other than him was actually
interested in writing about his films, almost like being in a real
website or even a magazine. He will continue his slide into insanity tomorrow,
when he will tape an interview about the film with himself, alone, in his
room, and react to a pretend interviewer and questions that are not
actually being asked by anyone. After that, Michael will update his
website - again - and continue to refer to himself in the third person
long into the future. Of course, we here at Fastforward would never do
something like that.
Technical Notice (an
apology) Our technical support guy writes:
For the past year or so I've been receiving complaints that this server
was always down, not loading for about 50% of every day. I am a broke
college student and it's hard to find good affordable web service. People
would always be saying, "do you know your server's down?" OF COURSE I KNOW
MY FUCKING SERVER IS DOWN. YOU'VE ONLY TOLD ME TEN THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE.
YOU PEOPLE ARE REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING. YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT MY SERVER
BEING DOWN WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING PAY FOR IT?? So you can all go fuck
yourselves. I apologize for the interruption.
Introducing STEAL THIS SCRIPT! A few people asked me to start a script archive for people to steal from if they ever needed a script for a movie. So, here is Steal This Script - a great collection of over thirty quality unproduced screenplays, free for the taking if you credit the original writer. And a nice read if you just feel like reading a good script or two. Feel free to send me your own unmade wonders for inclusion here.
Film Reviewers are Idiots presents:
Kazaam at dvdfile.com All film reviewers
are idiots. Today I present you with some proof of this, James E.
Howard's recent review of "Kazaam!," the 1996 film starring
Shaquille O'Neal as a rappin' genie. To quote: "Apparently his
enormously successful career on the basketball court isn't enough.
Aside from his glory on the basketball court, Shaq is a born
performer with keen comedic timing. Kazaam is a notably better film
than most have given it credit for, despite its uneven tone. Was
this a vehicle for O'Neal? Of course. But lives up to the demanding
task of playing a rapping genie. Shaq gets to tease, flirt, argue,
laugh, rap hard, fight, goof off, mourn, be caring and just plain
react, and against all odds he is actually a convincing genie.
O'Neal, who also co-executive produced, delivers a strong
performance in a thankless role. Critics castrated Kazaam, but what
were they expecting? Is it so bad to want to bring some light into a
troubled boy's life? The surprisingly serious moments of the film
hit the mark, especially the solid acting even from Shaq, and it's
nice that director Paul M. Glaser (yes, Starsky from Starsky and
Hutch) encouraged quite a bit of physicality from his cast which
adds vigor to the screen. The film deserves better treatment than it
gets here with such a poor transfer and no extras. Surely, a blooper
reel would have been fun? Worse, where are at least a few
Shaq-rappin' videos?"
I rest my case. Feel free to send in
your own installments of "Film Reviewers are Idiots."
Obscure Video Pick of the
Month: Jim Henson's The Storyteller
(1987) Muppetmaster Jim Henson and
writer Anthony Minghella teamed up to bring nine obscure European
folktales to life. And what a life it is. These dark, lovely tales
seem to have stepped straight off the page, or out of a dream. The
entire series is visually astonishing, and not just because of
Henson's creatures. It is also written with warmth, style, and
quotable wit by Minghella, directed with originality and style
(often by Henson himself), and well acted, especially by John Hurt as The Storyteller. You'll spot a top-list British cast,
including Bob Peck, Jonathan Pryce, French & Saunders, and
Miranda Richardson. A class act all the way, today the show seems 15
years ahead of its time. But it was a financial failure, and the
series it was part of, The Jim Henson Hour (also excellent), was
cancelled after just a few weeks. It has remained unseen since the
1980s. Thankfully they've just put out four of the episodes on
video, including two of my favorites -- Sapsorrow
(with The Luck Child), and The
Soldier and Death (with A Story Short). Four episodes of the
sequel series, "Greek Myths" starring Michael Gambon, have also been
released. Let's hope the remaining episodes see release sometime
soon. Henson did so much for children's entertainment, but this
rarely-seen series gets my vote for the best thing he ever did, and
one of the classic TV series of all time.
Mad Link of the Moment:
X-Entertainment.com The webmaster has a
loving obsession with 80s pop culture and regular article topics
include NES games, He-Man and the Transformers. For children of the
80s like me, it's mecca. He also reviews bad movies. Why can't all
websites be like this?
UPDATE: The site has sold out and is now utterly covered with horrible, horrible ads. Including an ad in which raw meat sludges down your screen in Flash form. Unskippable, unskippable Flash form. I've given this some thought, and you know what? Screw this site, it can go fuck itself.
UPDATE: And while I'm at it, what was up with The Onion the other week? I don't know if anyone noticed, but the first December issue of The Onion was half made up of recycled stories from a year ago! As if we wouldn't notice or something! This is horrible ... why do all good websites have to go to hell eventually? If we ever lose the Onion, we're totally screwed.
P.S. If any large companies want to give me money and place large unskippable ads on this page, please contact me at ocpmovie at lycos.com. I am interested. Verrrry interested.
TOP STORY: We're back! We're bad!
Fastforward Premiere: 
New Video from Bravado/Funeral Home/Junk !
New Video from Blanc Screen Cinema
Holy Shit, We've Got a Lot of Fucking 
Jesus is dead so here comes 
Hallo Friends ... it's 
New Articles from Alan and Dean
Feiss
New Music from John Brug "Bruggy Brug Bruggo" Man - featuring Radio Man!
Comic: James and His Toy Robot!
Technical Notice (an
apology)
Introducing 
Film Reviewers are Idiots presents:
Kazaam at dvdfile.com
Obscure Video Pick of the
Month: Jim Henson's The Storyteller
(1987)