Actors Demand to Know -- "Whassup?"
In a recent poll of the issues and friendly adlibbed greetings important to the amateur filmmaking community, 23% of amateur actors wanted to know what was up. "Whassup?" many would ask in scenes set in living rooms, laundry rooms, basements, and the director's bedroom, often while talking on the telephone. Although this is down from 35% last year, it still constitutes a large minority of the amateur acting community. And in a topsy-turvy world where so much is uncertain, is it any wonder that so many amateur actors simply want to know what is up? Alternatively, 1.5% of amateur actors (many playing gangster types) wished to know what was "going down." This provides an interesting counterpoint to the question of "Whassup," as up is the opposite of down. An additional 2.5% of those actors wishing to know what was up extended the greeting to "Whassup, brutha?" with a complicated-looking hand gesture. Of other actors polled, 10% wanted to know what was happening, 0.2% wanted to know "What's the scoop, Jim?", 40% wanted to know "Who are you?", 35% wanted to know "What is it?", 8% wanted to know "Can we stop it?", and 12% just sort of said "dude" a lot.

Ranger Marc says, "Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires"
An amateur film shoot was interrupted thursday, by the sudden and unexpected appearance of a tall man in full park ranger gear. The crew was shooting an amateur sequel to John Carpenter's "Halloween," and had just set up a complex pyrotechnic effect involving firecrackers when the man identified only as "Ranger Marc" walked into shot and said, in a loud and steady voice, "The first part of fireworks is fire, and fire can be dangerous. Safety is key, kids, especially on an amateur movie shoot. Only you can prevent injury, and forest fires." The director then screamed "cut" and fled the scene, along with his two-man crew, fearing that the man was "a cop or something." There are unconfirmed reports now that "Ranger Marc" is roaming the country, spreading his gospel of safety to amateur filmmakers everywhere. We wish Ranger Marc luck on his quest. (The amateur "Halloween" shoot resumed its fireworks shot as planned fifteen minutes later.)

Technical Notice (an apology)
For once, we have good news for our tech notice! We had some problems with our site, server and connection, meaning that we weren't able to update the News here as often as usual, allowing us to get on with our lives. So to all those people who thought we were brushing you off, well, screw you, of course we were. What, you think we got nothing better to do than write News for an amateur filmmaking site, just because you got nothing better to do than visit it? Fuck off, eh. Get a friggin' life. Make a movie or something instead of spending all your time online. Kiss a girl. I'll have you know that during the down time here on the site, our occasional correspondent and anime freak Folly Wong was getting some serious pussy. Pussy, man, and I don't mean cats. So there you go, screw off, I ain't apologizing for anything. We're so very sorry about the delay, and will return to responding to every email we recieve the minute hell freezes over. So send away!

Guy is Too Young to Be Playing a Mob Boss
Hey, get outta here mom, I'm editing in here. Yeah, I'm editing a movie. Who's that? That's my friend Dan. You know Dan. Oh, who's he playing? Uh, "Mr. Big," that's his character's name. Yeah. No, he's a mob boss. Yeah, like a gangster. He's the head of all the gangsters. No, it isn't a comedy. I dunno, maybe he is a little young, we're all young. Stop laughing, ma. Dan's a good guy and a good actor. No, I don't think he's too young to be playing a hardened old mob boss. Okay, maybe we could have dressed him up in some nicer clothes. Yeah, like a suit or something. Not one of yours, ma. Stop laughing, ma. Who the hell else were we supposed to get to play the part, ma? Come on! At least we didn't give him a fake moustache or something. Get outta here ma, I'm trying to edit. Yes, I did apply at Taco Bell. They'll call me back if I get the job. Yes, mom, go back to sleep. ... Christ.

Everything is A-OK
Everything in this big crazy world is just swell and great and A-OK, the smile on amateur actor Rich Evans' face announced last tuesday. Sure, we've got problems. Sure, our lead actors abandon us. Sure, we don't have any money for equipment. Sure, movies get shut down or if they don't we get stuck in editing for more than a year. But the big thumbs-up Rich gives us tells us that everything is going just fine in his world, and so why shouldn't it be going fine in ours too? That awkward expression I assume is a smile on his face is a beacon of hope to us all. You know dear readers, I'm no good at being noble, but it's clear that the problems of a couple of amateur filmmakers don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Now now, readers, don't cry. Rich wouldn't cry. In Rich's world, everything is thumbs-up A-OK. And maybe, with a little hope, everything can be thumbs-up A-OK in our little worlds too.

HOLY SHIT! Webmaster/Amateur Filmmaker Actually Got Something Done!
Holy shit, dude. You're not gonna fucking believe this. The webmaster of an old and reknowned if rarely-updated amateur film website actually got something done recently, and he's having a premiere and everything! Fuck man, that's cool, I can't fucking believe that. I mean, I don't know, no offense man, I like you and all, but you fucking got something done? I never thought you'd fucking get anything done. I mean, moviewise. The web thing you could do, but make an actual movie? Holy shit dude, that's fucking great. I mean, like, you actually did something, like, actually, you know, for real, not just talking about it and shit. I don't even care what the movie is. It could be fucking awful. But whatever it is, you actually got something done. Anything. Done. Holy shit.

Filmmaker Wonders Why No One Will Watch His Three-Hour Movie
A local amateur filmmaker's three-hour-long movie failed to get any orders this week, or indeed this month, or indeed this year, or indeed most of last year, and, well, confirmed reports state that the movie has only been ordered once since its release two years ago, in 1999. "But," says the filmmaker, "The one guy who ordered it really liked it." The movie deals with the long and whiny and psychologically interesting and long and annoying and long dialogues between a bunch of teenagers who like to talk for a long time. In addition to being long, the movie is also shot in boring black-and-white, with a shaky camera which gives the viewer a goddamn headache after even three minutes, let along three goddamn hours, and the whole thing is improvised, I mean they didn't even have a fucking script, because of course you can't write a script that long. It doesn't have much of a story, and in addition, the movie is really really long. "Amazing performances," said the one guy who ordered it. "Wholly different and interesting. Also, it's really amazingly long." The longness was mentioned by every single person who ever reviewed the film (including one reviewer who got the tape for free because he runs an amateur film site we suspect is just a scam to get free tapes). "The movie is just too fucking long," they said. The favorite films of some people who've reviewed this long film include "Lawrence of Arabia," "The Seven Samurai," "2001: a Space Odyssey," "Braveheart," "Heat," the director's cut of "Brazil" ... movies which are also really fucking long, but rarely criticized as such. The moral of this story is, that people don't mind watching three hours of movie. They just don't want to watch three hours of YOUR stupid shot-on-video movie. Here endeth the lesson.

STORIES WE'RE WORKING ON FOR NEXT TIME:


(singing) "And I, Jack, the pumpkin king, have grown so tired of the same old thing..."

World Saved by Actor's Imaginary Friend

New Tactic for Selling Tapes -- "Buy our movie or this man will cry"

Winners and Losers in Open Casting Call for Amateur "Catcher in the Rye" film

"All the perfumes of Arabia will not wash the blood from these hands ..."

Audience Watching Film Wonders, "What the hell am I looking at exactly?"

Actor and actress simultaneously wonder, "Does this outfit make me look fat?"

Raising Money for Your Film -- One filmmaker's bold new method

Ranger Marc warns filmmaker Jason Santo about ladder safety ... Santo challenges Ranger Marc to unsafe wrestling match. More news at this story develops.


Guy is spending a lot of time online -- (Garrett gets another issue done, and can now get back to work on his movies.)

THIS HAS BEEN FASTFORWARD! No, really, it has.

All text by Garrett Gilchrist. This site is not endorsed by anyone seen on it. All pictures stolen from their respective owners. A work of respectful parody by Orange Cow Productions, 2001. We means no disrespect, yo.