2001 Amateur Award Nominations Announced!
This is the announcement we've all been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen ... well, actually there aren't many ladies here, I mean this is amateur filmmaking, we're not exactly catnip to the fairer sex here, but you get the idea. At 12:15 AM tuesday, Eastern Standard Time, our favorite amateur moviemaking site besides this one posted its nominations for the finest achievements in amateur moviemaking this year. Best Actor nominee "The Cabbage from Oranges the Movie" is pictured at left -- he is expected to go on to win the award, as he is the only nominee (except for Ben Sipprell, Dick from "The Animal Game"). The lack of any Best Picture nominations, any technical nominations, or indeed any nominations at all except for The Cabbage (and Dick), has drawn some controversy, but Two Guys From Canada, Inc., who run the hotly-anticipated awards, have defended their nominations, saying, in brief, "That cabbage was cool." The final awards ceremony will be held this July in Bumfuck, South Dakota, attended by the two Canadian guys, and the Cabbage. (Ben Sipprell was asked to attend, but declined. Even he knows enough not to go up against that cabbage.)

Actress Just Wants to Be Left Alone
Hey, get out of there, don't bother her. No, I mean it. She said she just wants to be left alone for a minute, so leave her alone. No, I don't know why she wants to be left alone, she's been like this all day, just leave her alone, okay? (God, this could be a real problem. I hope she snaps out of it. Dammit, I will never understand girls. I had twenty setups to get through today, it's been eight hours and we're only through seven of them. Christ.) Get out of there man, please, if she wants to be alone then leave her alone, I don't want her to walk off the set or anything, she's my sister. Yeah. Okay. Take five, everybody. It means, take a break. Yeah, take a break. Now. No, I don't think it's PMS. Shut up, that's my sister you're talking about.

Technical Notice (an apology)
Some of our readers have written in saying that they miss the old weekly "Technical Notice Apologies," in which the writer would begin to apologize for a recent technical problem then just swear and insult everybody. These people can go fuck themselves. That's dumb. I don't need fucking running gags, I can write better shit than that. Right, guys? Right? Um ...

Guy Overacts
A guy overacted Thursday, during his appearance in an amateur film by a Massachussetts company. In the scene, his character was described by the director as "pretty angry now, really" so when the camera rolled, the guy scrunched up his face, began to shake and seethe and growl and scream, and after that it's all sort of a blur. I vaguely recall that he reminded me of those old cartoons where the guy gets angry and steam pours out of his ears, but steam wasn't actually pouring out of his ears because this is real life, even though he was certainly overacting. Although remember when Terry Gilliam had Oliver Reed do that in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen? But I digress. It is unknown whether this guy overacts in real life. Like, when he orders a hamburger, does he REALLY order a hamburger? And if they screw up his order, does he get REALLY MAD and shout and stomp his feet and break things? Information is scarce as of press time, but we're guessing no. The director, who is proud of the guy's overacting performance, calls it "intense, with a sense of humor, almost like a joke but then not." Adds the director, "And it was loud enough to be picked up by the camera mic, even with all the wind outside." Reviewers should also describe the performance as "loud." Go ahead, he won't mind. The guy, who is not really an actor but clearly enjoys being in front of a camera, will be invited back to overact in future productions, joining the league of truly shocking overactors which includes Charlton Heston, Al Pacino, and Garrett Gilchrist.

Low-Budget Filmmakers Excited to have Low-Budget Filmmakers in Their Movie
The low-budget filmmakers at Low Budget are immensely proud and excited to have an all-star celebrity cast of (other) low-budget filmmakers in their upcoming low-budget Low Budget movie. And, indeed, the all-star cast of low-budget filmmakers they've invited to be their celebrities in the movie are pretty excited to be in the movie too, if only because they'll be treated like celebrities, and god knows that's hard to come by when you're making movies for 10 cents in Jersey with Lloyd fucking Kaufman. "Yeah, we're really excited," said Low Budget filmmaker Seaver Christenson. "These guys are my heroes, have been for a long time. And now to have them in my movie ... fucking great, dude. I actually got to meet Joe Fleishaker and Trent Haaga!" Haaga, a non-actor/"star" who was literally picked off the street to appear/star in low-budget filmmaker Lloyd Kaufman's next 3000 films, also enjoyed meeting Christenson, because now he can go home and tell his parents that, yes, he is a real movie star, dammit, because he's got fans out there, even if they are a little creepy, and he does have a real job too, dammit, and it's not like being in porn movies, because, well, it isn't. Because they aren't porn movies. Even if they're shot on the same budget and time schedule, and occasionally with the same actors. "Lloyd fucking Kaufman, man!" said Christenson loudly and enigmatically, before going into the kitchen to get himself a beer. "Seaver fucking Christenson," said Lloyd fucking Kaufman in a recent interview. "Was that his name? Creepy little fuck, but he's certainly seen a lot of my movies. Actually, I think that's what creeped me out about him." Kaufman, who has been in the film industry for over three decades and is still not what you can call a "success," then bulged out his eyes oddly and paused a moment to scratch himself. "...God, I hope his movie doesn't turn out more professional-looking than mine." Joe Fleishaker, star of "Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid," was unavailable for comment.

World-Renowned Super-spy Keeps Looking into the Camera
Duke Rawfield is a handsome, tough, hard-nosed, action-loving, take-no-prisoners, world-renowned super-spy. See that realistic gun he's got? He can hit a target the size of a pea from 1200 yards. With his heightened athleticism gained in secret government supersoldier training, he can escape from any danger, and sense it before it begins. He is as brilliant a scientist and negotiator as he is smooth with the ladies. Yes, women love him. Governments fear him. Or at least they would if the guy didn't keep looking into the camera. I mean, Christ, this isn't a comedy, you're gonna ruin me here with that cheesy grin! Oh, god, why didn't I notice this when we shot it?

UPDATE: Film Company Does Not Have an "Edge"
In a misguided response to a series of articles in our third issue about film companies who were boldly announcing, in white type on a black background, that they delivered moviemaking with "an edge," some guy on the West Coast has decided to ironically promote himself on FastForward saying that he does NOT have "an edge." He has noted, in a large font, that his company delivers "Nothing ... with an edge!" In fact, to make the point further that he is the opposite of such groups, this filmmaker is saying it in black letters on a white background, which is the opposite of white letters on a black background. This is, apparently, clever. We have placed this banner above at the right, but we would like to say that we still do not condone it. This poor misguided soul apparently thought that we were suggesting that an amateur filmmaker saying he has "an edge" was somehow uncool. And, well, we were suggesting that, and also suggesting that it was pretty damn stupid. But I think this filmmaker could have read between the lines enough to realize that coming out and declaring himself to be "edge"less would be even more stupid. In fact, we at FastForward have calculated that the banner seen above is 12.64 times as stupid as the original banners shown in issue 3. We have now realized that there are worse things to have than "an edge." Like having "nothing" at all. We have now revoked all previous ironic statements and can now declare that having an "edge" is perfectly fine with us, really. As for this poor misguided soul, and his "edge"less, flabby, not-sharp, not-pointy, impotent attempts at filmmaking, well, you'd better go out and buy an edge somewhere. And don't hurt yourself with it. Dufus.

STORIES WE'RE WORKING ON FOR NEXT TIME:


It's a Production Assistant! Team is Proud of Latest Production, Despite Mixed "Cooing and Gurgling" Reviews

Why did I order this silly movie? ... Oh. Right. Now I remember. Hehheh.

Actress Starring in Touchingly Sad Dialogue-Less Scene About the Tragic Loss of a Father, in Which All the Drama of the Moment is Played in a Single Look in Her Eyes, is Actually Thinking About Whether or Not She Got All Her Shopping Done Yesterday

Filmmaker Enjoys, Makes Bad Horror Movies

Simple "Pull My Finger" Request Turns into a Deadly Game of Cat and Mouse

Santo angry that he has to paint the house again


Garrett is gonna get his ass kicked someday.

THIS HAS BEEN THE FASTFORWARD ACTING ISSUE!

Douglas Noel Adams

1952 - 2001

Thank you, for everything you ever did.

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."





All text by Garrett Gilchrist. This site is not endorsed by anyone seen on it. All pictures stolen from their respective owners. A work of respectful parody by Orange Cow Productions, 2001. We means no disrespect, yo.