see all the banners here FASTFORWARD is a humor site created by the amateur filmmakers at PythoNET for the amateur moviemaking community. We all work our asses off making movies not enough people watch. FASTFORWARD is just a chance for us to laugh at ourselves. Send submissions/comments/complaints to Garrett Gilchrist. Inspired by an idea by Mike Stoklasa. FastForward: The Best Place for Amateur Filmmakers Since Your Mom.  
Ridley Scott special! There will be no regular issue of REwind today. Deal with it. Instead, FASTFORWARD is proud to present an original and probably completely fake interview with Legendary director ...
Director Ridley Scott is a Legend among students of film, and beloved by amateur filmakers everywhere. Although often criticized for offering "style over substance," his large and amazingly diverse body of work has been a success with both critics and audiences for as long as he has been working, and his dazzling visual style has assured him a place in film history. He is the director of many classic movies and over 200 television commercials. We were lucky enough to get in an interview with Mr. Scott, who graciously took time out of his busy schedule to talk with us. Although he works on a larger budget level than most of us here could dream of, we believe that what he had to say is relevant to amateur filmmakers of all stripes and spots, and what he's gone through over the years may even seem oddly familiar to some of you. Enjoy. FF: Hello, Mr. Scott. RS: You already said that. FF: Yes, but the tape recorder wasn't on then. I'm starting the interview now. RS: Oh, okay. [laughs] FF: Mr. Scott ... can I call you Ridley? RS: No. FF: Okay. RS: If Sigourney Weaver were here you could call her Ripley. FF: Could I? RS: That's a reference to one of my movies. FF: I know. RS: Okay. [long pause] FF: How long have you been making movies? RS: Too long. 
FF: What film of yours would you say you're most proud of? RS: The next one. Always the next one. You have to move on, you know. I've forgotten a lot of my early stuff. FF: That's not good. RS: Yeah? FF: Yeah, because I was about to ask you about your first film. RS: Alien, or the "1984" Macintosh thing? FF: The Duellists. RS: Oh, yeah, I haven't seen that one in ages. It was fun to shoot. I was just starting out then. I got some of my friends together, my friend Harvey who was an actor ... 
FF: Harvey Keitel. RS: Yeah, him and Keith ... FF: Keith Carradine. RS: Yeah, they'd done no-budget pictures before, Keith especially, so they were totally game for it. It was sort of a little fight scene picture, running around a parking lot with swords. FF: You effortlessly captured 1801 Strasbourg in exacting period detail, showing the attention to visual style that would become your trademark. RS: [laughs] FF: What? RS: You're funny. 
FF: What? RS: 1801 Strasbourg, did you say? Was that really it? I mean, we were just running around with swords, I don't really think I had a plot there or not. I was reading a lot of Joseph Conrad in school at the time, that was probably it. We did a lot of stupid stuff. Like, I wanted this cool effect where the swords would clash together, so I hooked the swords up to my car battery. Harvey nearly got electrocuted. Christ, that was dumb. I wouldn't do that today. But hell, you live and learn. FF: Tell me about Alien. RS: Well, that was a student film I did. FF: It was a huge box-office success. 
RS: At that point I was just happy to see my stuff on the big screen at all. I'd shot all on video before, and it was hard to learn with film. I learned a lot there. FF: Yeah? RS: Yeah, my friend Dan was sort of a writer ... FF: Dan O'Bannon. RS: Yeah, he and a guy named John Carpenter had done a jokey space student film called Dark Star, like them just hanging out in their dorm rooms pretending it was a ship. Which really impressed me at the time. I said, "write me something like that." So he wrote this goofy thing called "Star Beast," and that became "Alien." FF: It was a comedy? RS: It woulda been. It was a big goof on all the old monster movies, I wanted to do something like that, like "It! The Terror from Beyond Space" or something. The film school had a rule though, you couldn't do sync dialogue in your movies, it woulda been impossible anyway, the cameras they gave us were too loud. And that forced me to concentrate on character without dialogue or anything, which made it really suspenseful but killed the comedy. Which is why it is the movie it is. A blessing in disguise really. A lot of the funny stuff just got cut in the editing room. Even the big thing busting out of the guy's chest [mimics this] AAARRGHHH!! Which was a sock puppet I made. Even that doesn't get a laugh anymore, which is probably for the best. 
FF: Ripley was perhaps the first and best of your trademark strong screen heroines ... RS: I was so happy just to have a girl in it. Yeah, this girl we found, her name was Sigourney Weaver, she was just amazing I thought. It was supposed to be a man but she was cuter! [laughs] Helped me sell videos anyway, having that face on there. I said, when she gets out of school this girl is gonna be a star. And just recently, there she is in Galaxy Quest, a real Hollywood movie! I'm happy for her, I gotta look her up, maybe she can get me some work in Hollywood as an intern or something ... FF: A sequel was made ... RS: I had a friend, this kid named Jimmy Cameron, he liked the movie so much he did sort of a fan sequel to it. I think some friends of his did a couple more, but I've never seen them. I felt honored, really, I definitely didn't expect that. Even if his was different than mine was. FF: Moving on. Tell me about Blade Runner. RS: I got cocky. FF: Yes? 
RS: Alien, people liked it, I got some kind words from my teachers, so immediately I thought I could make a feature, back shooting on video, cutting with two vcrs. I basically dropped out of college to make that. Dropping out of college, that was really stupid. I coulda had a career if not for that. FF: And? RS: I called up these professional actor guys. I shoulda just called my friends, they were reliable and better than any real actor mighta been. Anyway, all these "actors" acted interested, but then never called back or bailed on me. Finally I had to settle on this guy called Harrison ... FF: Harrison Ford ... RS: Yeah, he'd been in this space movie which actually played in theaters. I forget the name of it. And here I was, just this kid. I was sooo afraid of him. It seems silly now. I was afraid to direct him. He hated me. He mumbled all his lines, and it was always raining. The whole movie came out really terrible. 
FF: Rita Kempley in the Washington Post called it "Grand enough in scale to carry its many Biblical and mythological references, (it) never feels heavy or pretentious, only more and more engrossing with each viewing." RS: Did she? That was nice of her. I was just so worried it would come out stupid. I mean it was the standard "guy with a gun in the alley behind the mall" amateur gangster shit. There are a billion movies like that. It was supposed to be in the future. Christ. I had all the girls I knew play, like, robots. We didn't even have robot costumes. Later a friend of mine did some cheap effects work with a model city, like a future city I guess, really slapped-together quickly, and it was fricking beautiful! I almost cried, I mean it was a shame to waste it on a movie like mine. I don't know if I ever actually finished the thing, but I made an edit, I had Harrison do a voiceover to make it make sense sort of, and he mumbled that too ... I've copied it for friends, my friends have seen it. Sometimes I leave the voiceover in, sometimes not. I dunno, I'd do that movie differently today. I'd make him a robot too. And have unicorns in it, like in the other movie I did ... FF: Legend. RS: Yeah. FF: Tell me about Legend. RS: Legend. Boy, was that ever the one that got away. 
FF: Yeah? RS: I thought it was the best thing I ever did when I was shooting it. At least it looked a billion times better than Blade Runner. We had this beautiful girl, Mia ... FF: Mia Sara. RS: She'd done some comedies. And this little kid, Tom Cruise. He wanted to be an actor. I don't know where he is now. FF: He did Eyes Wide Shut. RS: Is that an amateur film? FF: Sort of. RS: Okay. I didn't see it. FF: I'll send you a copy. RS: Thanks. Anyway, Legend. I got this English guy with a cool voice to play the devil, I mean it was a fantasy, and I wasn't sure if I could pull that off, but I didn't want to make the same damn "kids with shades in a parking lot" amateur movie, you know? I wanted to do something different, something that would get attention on my site, like "Alien," with the chick. FF: Okay. RS: Damn, she was hot. Mia was hot too. Anyway, I just had this idea about, like, little girls and fairies and unicorns ... 
FF: Little girls and fairies like unicorns. RS: Yeah. And the devil. FF: Little girls like the devil. RS: [laughs] So I bought this devil mask from a costume shop, but it wasn't really working, I mean it was the same old thing. That was when I called Chad up in Canada ... FF: Chad Costen. RS: Yeah. I actually had to pay the guy, which sucked, but it was worth it, because he made this great devil mask for me and everything. I sort of blended it with red makeup and put it on the english guy. It looked so goddamn good, really cool, not scary, just cool. We had a set too. We shot partly in my backyard, but we also had this sort of fakey forest set my dad and I made with a lot of grass and dirt and leaves and stuff, which gave it a neat fairytale quality. It took hours. FF: And you made your fruity little girl film.
RS: Yeah. It was fucking great. But when I was shooting it I mislabeled all the tapes and, hell, I dunno, everything got shot out of order, even our set burned down. I mean, when does a set burn down? It smelled all like compost afterwards, it was really gross. We had to finish the movie in my garage. I think we did okay considering, but I never did actually edit or release the thing. No one's seen it but me. FF: There are two edits available, you can get them on video ... RS: I made a sort of half-assed rough cut for friends, but it was only of like half the movie. I skipped a lot. I just didn't have the time. It's gotten around. I almost did it properly. I hired two different guys to do music for it, because I didn't wanna just take music off CDs like I did for "Alien" and "Blade Runner." I wanted an "original music" credit, I thought that'd be cool. But both the guys really sucked, dumb newagey shit, you know? The second guy even did a guitar. I mean, jesus christ, this wasn't a movie for eight-year-old girls, you know? FF: It wasn't? RS: I dunno, maybe it was. Anyway, I just didn't bother after that. I was cutting VCR-to-VCR, just with the pause button at the time and I wanted to upgrade to some sort of real editing system, like on the computer or something, and Legend just kind of got forgotten. Pity really, because I still think it was the best thing I ever did. That English guy was cool in the devil mask. FF: [rolls eyes] Uh huh. Sure. Right. So did you stop cutting VCR to VCR, with the pause button? 
RS: Well, not really, I mean I didn't get digital right away. I didn't have the money. I was working at Blockbuster at the time, and I hadda save up to get a new car and all. I was still living at my mom's. She was pissed.
FF: I'll bet, at your age.  RS: So I bought two Sony hi-8 handicams and shot and edited with them. Which was better than VCR-to-VCR, but not by much. I did, as a test, a movie called Someone to Watch Over Me, and then I was going to Japan on vacation and shot something really cheesy, guns and shades in a parking lot, shot it in two days and called it Black Rain ...
FF: Yeah, sure you did. Tell me about Thelma and Louise. RS: That was on Hi-8 too. FF: Was it? RS: Yeah. FF: The cinematography is beautiful in that movie. RS: Thanks. I was actually using sort of a makeshift lighting kit for once, and we drove out in the middle of nowhere to get some nice little locations, so it did look pretty good, but yeah, it was hi-8. 
FF: I don't believe you. RS: It was! But I cut it digitally. FF: Okay, that explains it. RS: Yeah, that saved my ass, because I bought a new computer right after shooting that one. It's about these two girls who ... FF: Yes, I know. RS: I mean, word had gotten out that here was an amateur director who gave good parts to girls. Mia Sara got screwed out of Legend, but by that point I had sent my student film "Alien" to a couple of people I knew who worked in L.A., I was trying to get an agent, I really wanted to become professional, and I went and made this kind of serious, normal movie. And somehow I got these great two actresses, who play these two girls who ... FF: I know. RS: Okay. You really know your stuff. 
FF: Thanks. RS: I'm surprised anyone but me has watched these movies. FF: Oh, you'd be surprised. RS: Anyway, that was my first real "serious" movie, a real big step up for me in learning how to become, like, a real director, you know. It got me attention, when I sent the tapes out. Not just among my friends either. I got a writeup in a magazine and for a while was getting emails from like, real guys in the industry. A guy at USA networks wrote me. But nothing ever came out of it. My mom liked it, though. Finally, my mom sat through one of my movies. And my kid brother Anthony ... FF: Tony Scott. RS: Yeah, he said he wanted to be a director just like me. And that warms your heart, you know? My kid brother, who'd a'thunk it? FF: [coughs] RS: Are you all right? FF: [hoarsely] Yeah, I'm fine, don't touch me. 
RS: All right. FF: [hoarsely] Tell me about 1492 and White Squall. RS: Well, those were student films too. FF: Really? RS: Yeah, I went back to college. My mom had been pestering me, and she said I was a bad influence on Anthony, so I went back, and I did these sort of educational films. They were pretty good, I thought. White Squall, anyway. 1492 was pretty fucking stupid, I mean even I can't watch it now, but I learned a lot. I thought I'd never go digital, but the school sort of forced me to shoot on DV. And the camera they gave me was just like the Handicam! I was so happy, because I already knew how to use it. Editing digitally, I didn't know how to do. But I learned. I found a new group of friends, there were people there from all over! Like, these guys from France, it was so weird, me this small-town kid ... FF: From England. RS: Am I from England? Yeah, I'm from England. Okay, yeah, right. The French suck. Okay. Anyway, I was in this lame history class at the time and I thought I'd goof on it by making this spoof film about Columbus ... FF: It was a spoof? RS: It didn't really work out. FF: To say the least. 
RS: But I learned a lot. Then I made White Squall, which I was really happy with. It was sort of a Dead Poets Society on the great damn high seas. I mean, we had a boat and everything, like TEWS or something. FF: Dead Poets Society sucked. RS: I kept worrying I was gonna drop the camera into the water. We had to shoot that one in a weekend, because the boat was due back. FF: Really? RS: Yeah, that was shot in a weekend. FF: You did good then. RS: I think so. Yeah, most people don't know that. FF: I was going to say. RS: Yeah, I mean it has its flaws but it becomes a really amazing movie if you look at it in that way. Like, how The Animal Game was done in one night. FF: Did you do The Animal Game? RS: No, I did White Squall. FF: Okay, right. Sorry. RS: And we didn't have a script either, all of that was improv. FF: Wow. RS: Yeah, I mean I could get a lot of praise from people if I said that, but I don't need condescending praise, I want the movie to stand on its own merits. Anyway, not too many people saw either of those, because the school kept the rights to them. FF: Really? RS: Yeah. FF: Sorry. RS: Fucking bastards. FF: I said sorry. RS: Yeah. Thanks. They're still fucking bastards. FF: So what did you do next? RS: Nothing! [laughs eerily] Well, I graduated college and moved out to L.A., where I figured, like every impressionable young bright-eyed amateur filmmaker, that since I was an award-winning director with ten films under my belt, I should be able to find work instantly, right? Wrong. I just dicked around for a while until I found myself working at Blockbuster. This was months, just months of nothing. I still didn't have an agent. My car wasn't working right anymore. I said, fuck this, I'm not getting anywhere, at least when I was making my ten-cent movies with my mom's VHS camcorder I was learning shit, right? FF: [backing away subtly] Right. RS: I quit that day,  I was in a really dark place at that time, I didn't have any faith in myself. My brother Anthony was making his little submarine movie at the time. He'd always loved submarines, since he was five.
FF: You're talking about Crimson Tide. RS: That's the one. He was really worried, and he called me up for advice, which made me laugh. But then it occurred to me, yeah, I WAS in a position to give advice, I was a goddamn filmmaker! I started calling myself one, and the next day I went out and got myself a job at a real studio. It wasn't the best studio, it was rather sleazy, but the upshot of it was that I got to make this professional movie, a sleazy professional movie, exploitation thing. You may have seen it in the video stores. FF: What was it called? RS: They called it G.I. Jane, I think.  I can't remember, I never saw the final cut. It was a submarine movie too. I joked with Anthony that his submarine footage, that he shot in our bathtub back home, was gonna be better than ours.
FF: Was it? RS: Yeah, as it turned out it was. So I stole Anthony's tape from him and used it in my goddamn movie instead. Who's the bigger brother now, you little bitch? He never forgave me for that. Like I said, I never saw the final cut. I wanted to make sort of a serious movie and they wanted a wet t-shirt film. There was this softcore sort of porn star they made me use ... FF: Demi Moore. RS: Yeah, her. She couldn't act at all, but what a body. Thank god for implants, eh?  FF: Yeah.
RS: I was in love with her for a little while. FF: Were you? RS: Privately. I mean, I never made a move on her or anything, she didn't know. But I once rented one of her movies, "Striptease," Christ ... I watched it over and over. I never actually returned it. I finally had to pay for the damn thing, like a hundred bucks. Fuck it, it was worth it. FF: [backing away further] Tell me about Gladiator. RS: That's my new movie. I did this one myself, not porn or anything. Shot on DV, with great lighting. Got a new computer, fiddled with effects, I mean, fuck, we got swords and a coliseum and tigers and fucking everything. I mean, this movie fucking rocks for an amateur flick. Go see it. Order it from my site. It's got lots of blood. Yeah! Blood! Blood is fucking cool. FF: Uh-huh. RS: We had this Australian guy, and we sort of pretend we're all in ancient Rome. We shot it out in Southern Cali, on the cheap, but I put a lot of time into the costumes so you'd never know. I even had a real actor in it, Djimon Hounsou. FF: Who? 
RS: He's a real actor. FF: I never heard of him. RS: He has a cameo. Lloyd Kaufman's in it too, he's funny. Troma might be picking up the movie for release, actually. I may stop them though, this one's good enough for a real studio release. FF: It is, I mean it did win Best Picture. RS: Yeah, so that might help me in selling it. If nothing else it'd be a great demo reel, like Robert Rodriguez with El Mariachi. FF: Don't mention that name. RS: I loved "Spy Kids." Anyway, yeah, Gladiator. It's a lot like Legend really, without the unicorns. FF: Yes, the fight scenes are incredibly poorly-shot in both. RS: Hey, I'm learning, okay. It's not like I've had 25 years in the business or anything. FF: [says nothing] RS: I need to get Anthony to help me with that, he does action good. Anyway, forget Gladiator, I released another movie this year too. Shot it in three weeks, it came out great. FF: What is it? RS: Well, you remember Scream Louder and The 13th Obsession and all those other silly amateur horror movie series sequels a bit back? FF: Oh, god. RS: Yeah, I did one. But it's a good one. It's really good, I think. FF: You're talking about Hannibal. RS: Yeah. I dunno, it seemed dumb to do an amateur sequel, I thought I should do original material, but I've BEEN doing original material all this time and I thought I could learn a lot from emulating a movie I admired. And I REALLY loved "The Silence of the Lambs." FF: So you made your own sequel. 
RS: Yeah. My friend Tony, Tony Hopkins, he played Hannibal, and really I can't think of anybody more perfect for the part. FF: Except the original guy. RS: Yeah, I know, but we set out knowing he'd never be able to emulate Brian Cox, the original Hannibal (from Manhunter - 1986), so he doesn't even try. Hell, if we're talking on an amateur level I'd say he's even better. And the critics have been really kind. They say it's a great horror flick. I put in lots of blood and entrails and guts for all the horror aficionados ... Hannibal even eats brains! Can I say that? FF: Yeah. RS: No, I'm worried if I should reveal the plot. Anyway, it's great, it's sick and funny and over the top. It's like a GMP movie. Our lead actress even sort of looks like Jodie ... FF: Jodie Foster. RS: Yeah, in the right light I mean. In some scenes. She's younger of course, I mean this is amateur, and not as good, but that comes with the territory ... FF: You wouldn't have expected her to return for the sequel? RS: For a no-budget amateur horror movie [laughs]. FF: No, I guess not. RS: You're funny. FF: No I'm not. You're funny. RS: I'd like to work with Jodie someday. If I ever get my break in Hollywood that's an actress I'd love to work with. If she's not too old by then. FF: If you're not too old by then. RS: Yeah.
FF: If you're not too goddamn old now. RS: Yeah, Jodie's great. I've loved her ever since Taxi Driver. I would kill the president for that woman. FF: You would not. RS: I would too. I am English, after all. FF: You are? RS: Yes. FF: You're not talking with an English accent. RS: I lost it. FF: How? RS: I dunno, I just did when I moved to L.A. FF: I don't believe you. RS: Oh, piss off, you poncey little git. FF: Okay, I believe you now. RS: You bloody better. FF: So what's next for you? RS: Maybe ... another amateur sequel? FF: Not another one. RS: Well, I've finally gotten back in touch with Jimmy Cameron after all these years ... he's the kid in California who made the sort of sequel to my movie "Alien." I thought he'd dropped off the face of the earth. FF: So did I, after "Titanic." RS: "Titanic?" Was that the dinosaur movie? FF: No, it was a movie about a big boat he did. RS: I think he's talked about that one. Sorry, I'm a bit out of the loop at the moment. Anyway, we got back in touch when I found his website during a random google search. It was great to hear from him again, and he was actually glad to hear from me too! He's still making movies. He sent me a couple of movies he did ages ago about this robot from the future ... "The Terminator." What a great title. FF: [rolling eyes] Yeah, it does sound good. RS: And he really loved the tape I sent him with "Hannibal" and "Thelma and Louise" on it. I even included the old trailer for "Legend," which he liked most of all. FF: Really? RS: Yeah. So there. FF: I wasn't saying anything. RS: Anyway, I suggested to him that he should make another one of those big robot movies, because those were so cool, they had cars getting destroyed and everything. It was like a Linn movie. And he said he never bothered to write one, and I sent him my original script for Blade Runner, only I've changed it a little bit over the years, so the lead guy Deckard in the movie is now a robot too. I sent him that, and he said, yeah, sounds like a Terminator movie, sort of. You should make it. So yeah, I might be making a Terminator 3. He says if I do, he might be able to get a video release for me with the company he works for. FF: Really? RS: Yeah, they'd sell it for me and everything. I mean, it's not like my career's gone anywhere since G.I. Jane. FF: I'm sure it hasn't. RS: Hey, you don't know of any good agents, do you? FF: No. RS: Oh, it's not for me, it's for a friend. FF: What friend? RS: Actually it's for my baby brother Anthony. FF: I don't believe you. RS: No, see, he's sick in the hospital, and if he doesn't get an agent he'll die. FF: This interview is over.  Demi says: "This has been the FASTFORWARD RIDLEY SCOTT SPECIAL, written by Garrett Gilchrist. And if you thought that was an actual interview with Ridley Scott, get your freaking head examined."  All text by Garrett Gilchrist. This site is not endorsed by anyone seen on it. All pictures stolen from their respective owners. A work of respectful parody by Orange Cow Productions, 2001. We means no disrespect, yo. |
ISSUE 1
Filmmakers Descend into Madness
ISSUE 2
Director/Webmaster Just Sitting on His Ass
ISSUE 3
How Are You Gentlemen !!
ISSUE 4
Smackdown Special
ISSUE 5
Ridley Scott Special
ISSUE 6
Acting Issue
ISSUE 7
Actors Demand to Know, "Whassup?"
ISSUE 8
Camp FastForward Special!
FastForward Radio
Episode 1
"I am on the radio"
Episode 2
"I am alone"
Episode 3
"The 15 Minute Interview"
(skip this one if you're not a REwinder)
Episode 4
"What the world needs now"
Episode 5
"Where the hell am I?"
Episode 6
"Don't do that in my room!"
Episode 7
"The Controversial Episode"
Episode 8
"The Arts and Crafts Show"
Episode 9
"I'm Confused and I Don't Smell Good"
Episode 10
"I am a Musical Genius"
Episode 11
Half-hour special! "Magical Mystical Adventure Through Time!"
Yep, sorry.
Bush is still president.
We're still fucked.
Excaliburger trailer
Skeletor Needs Chicken To Survive
Respect Rick Moranis
50 O'Clock
speak your addled mind!
With apologies to Jon Ashby, Wally Fong, Infiniti Productions, REwind video magazine, Rewindvideo.com, Chad Costen and the REwind kid, Random Foo Pictures, Hoopty Studios, Timberwolf Entertainment, and any other amateur groups mentioned/parodied here. We love you all, and I'm still a sellout. This site created by Garrett Gilchrist and Orange Cow Productions, 2001.
