Same Two Guys Fighting in Forum
The same two guys exchanged insults and baseless threats in a small amateur filmmaker's forum today, continuing an epic and completely pointless fight which has been going on for, what, five months now? Feels like it. Who are those guys, anyway? And why the hell do they fight like that? Do they actually hate each other, or is it all some sort of big goof? And, like, it isn't a big goof, how the hell could anyone keep fighting for that long? I mean, jesus, they're like an old married couple. Why don't they just stop? They're always insulting each others' movies. I bet they've never even seen each others' movies. I bet they don't even know each other at all, this just started for no reason, randomly or something, and neither of them can bring themselves to stop it. Maybe they really like each other in real life, like they're friends or something, like they get a kick out of this. I hope not, because that would really be fucking stupid. I hope they really hate each other. Then they could really fight. Like, in real life. Like, smackdown. And somebody could film it. Yeah.

UPDATE: Bastard Geniuses Defeated
In a last-minute upset, upstart filmmaker/wrestlers the Bastard Geniuses were defeated at Bentley Square Garden by Jason Santo, and his tag-team partner, The Ladder. The Bastard Geniuses have vowed revenge, pointing out, possibly correctly, that the Ladder cheated. Santo denies these allegations, and adds, "Think you two are man enough? Maybe the fat guy is, but the other guy ain't. I can take you two losers! Bring it on!" Santo has turned down the Bastard Geniuses' offer to settle this in a speedboat chase, saying that would be unfair and stupid ... plotwise, I mean.

Technical Notice (an apology)
Some of our readers have written in mentioning that although these issues claim to be "weekly" updates, they appear to be accumulating quicker than that at the moment. Hey, we're in FastForward here, people. If I want to bend the rules of time and space, that's my own business. You want to fight about this? You WANT some of this? Yeah? YEAH? Well, BRING it ON!

Brain-Demon Attacks on the Rise
The number of attacks on major metropolitan centers by large, pulsating, rubbery Brain Demons is on the rise this year, according to a recently-published study. Compared to last year, the number of attacks have in fact risen 100%, with one major brain demon attack this year as opposed to none the previous year. "We are very concerned by this study," said brain demon expert Takashi Shitohomura, via a translator. "We expect this sort of thing in Japan, where creatures like Biollanthe and Jet Jaguar can be seen on a daily basis. But in America? In Illinois? Never." However, when polled, several cynical film students told us not to be too concerned, because that brain demon is, like, so obviously a little rubber puppet, and sooo fake. I mean, like, come on. Shitohomura, in his interview, added that if rubber monster attacks do become commonplace in the United States, not to fear all of them. One such monster, Gamera, is apparently a friend to children. CGI monster attacks, now commonplace in the U.S., were not covered in the study.

Actor Enjoys Own Performance
An amateur actor, guest-starring in another company's film, enjoyed his own performance early this week, during a private screening in his own house. "Ha ha ha," he was heard to exclaim during one of the film's humorous moments featuring a character played by himself. "Hee hee hee. Hee." The actor was also heard giggling (at the comic trials and tribulations his character endures in the movie), and seemed sorry when it was over. The company that made the film has posted it online at a popular amateur film website, and hopes it will reach a greater audience. However, we here at FastForward suspect it has already found the audience who will enjoy it most.

UPDATE: Santo Suffers Injury In Speedboat Accident
Beloved amateur filmmaker/wrestler Jason Santo suffered severe injuries late last night during a freak speedboat accident at his house in suburban Massachussetts. The accident, according to neighbors who were woken up by the noise, occurred around 3:35 PM. Santo was resting peacefully in his bed when a large speedboat, apparently acting on its own volition, crashed through his window and crushed the filmmaker, slicing his legs with its motorblades. Santo suffered mostly head and brain injuries, as the speedboat hit him squarely in the head. If the speedboat had a driver, he fled the scene quickly, and police have ruled out foul play, calling it "just a freak coincidence, like that brain demon thing in Illinois." Santo's friends and family are not so sure. Santo is recuperating in an area hospital, and is described as "healing ... with an edge." In unrelated news, Santo's filmmaker/wrestler friends "Dr. Smooth" and "The Cannonball" [pictured left] have vowed to "kick the shit" out of wrestler filmmakers The Bastard Geniuses. They were mostly incoherent in an interview, but said the BGs had done something "worse than when Of Fortune and Glory beat out Marisa." I have no idea what they're talking about, really.

Filmmakers Begin to Suspect it's all a Big Scam
Filmmakers frequenting a popular amateur filmmaking site began to suspect it was all a big scam this week, as the site geared up for its annual awards show. "Yeah, I dunno," said one filmmaker, cryptically. Said another filmmaker, "Oh, they're nice guys and all, and they run a nice site. I was just wondering why ... ah, forget it. Yeah, they're nice guys." The site encourages filmmakers to send in tapes of their amateur films to the two hosts, who live all the fuck up in Canada so you have to go through customs and spend all your damn money on postage. In return for getting every amateur movie ever made for free, they promise to maybe watch them, and give you a mention on their little website or their little self-promotional videos which you have to pay twelve bucks for. "Yeah," said another amateur filmmaker when questioned, "yeah." I mean, it's not as if we don't send out enough damn free copies of our movies anyway. I sent out six just this morning, and I'm sending six out tomorrow. And it's not as if this supposed "exposure" is helping us sell more copies of our flicks and make our production costs back. No, we just get poorer, and if we fall for the scam that all these videos and mugs and mousepads they sell might have something to do with us instead of Two Guys From Canada, Inc., they get our money, and they never had to pay a dime. I mean, jesus christ, this is a better scam than that amateur movie database thing. I mean, fuck it, I'm not sending out any more free copies. You guys want a good Orange Cow Productions comedy, you email me and pay 10 bucks for it, okay? I ain't coming to you anymore, because I'm a thousand bucks in debt now and ... ah, forget it. They're nice guys. They mean no harm. I guess.

STORIES WE'RE WORKING ON FOR NEXT TIME:


Santo Recovers Mysteriously, Credits "Ladder Power" for His Strength, and "Totally Kicks" the Bastard Geniuses' "Self-Absorbed Asses"

Bastard Geniuses Flee Country, But Vow to Come Back ... with an Army! A Professional-Looking Army with Guns and Explosions and Everything! And a Speedboat! And Erik's Sister! And ...

Upcoming Santo/Geniuses Rematch Sells Record Number of Tickets, is Taken Over by Canadian Interests and Moved to South Dakota, with Merchandise being Sold Through Popular Amateur Filmmaking Site

Those Two Guys From the Forum Sign On as Opening Act for the Fight - just like Smackdown! And They're Filming it And Everything!


Garrett finishes another issue. Hope you liked it. Man, but I've been working too hard lately. I need a Fribble.

NOTE: This is a work of fantasy from the addled mind of Garrett Gilchrist. No disrespect against TEWS, it's a wrestling issue and somebody had to be the bad guy. TEWS and Random Foo are not actually arch-rivals. But they do fight once in a while. I think. If they don't, they should. And tape it and everything. Because fighting is cool.

THIS HAS BEEN FASTFORWARD ... SMACKDOWN!

All text by Garrett Gilchrist. This site is not endorsed by anyone seen on it. All pictures stolen from their respective owners. A work of respectful parody by Orange Cow Productions, 2001. We means no disrespect, yo.