Technical Notice (an apology)
Okay, no more Zero Wing jokes. Although I do think it appropriate that the tiger be playing a villain called "Cats." Which is also an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Oh, let's just not discuss this.

New Parody Site Launched!
You know, when we here at FastForward aren't molesting animals and small children, we like to step back and laugh at ourselves. Because let's face it, we're not all that smart, and that's funny. But now it seems we don't have to anymore, because we have the goofballs at Infiniti Productions to laugh at us for us! What the hell ... yes, that's right, a new site has been launched by the side-splitting comedy team of Jon Ashby and Wally Fong (who knew that beyond the action, they had a sense of humor?) ... It's called REwind (ha ha) and it's a dead-on parody of (what else?) this very page! They've even got their own Tiger, who looks strangely like Jon Ashby! So go there and enjoy all the silly banners and news that feels like an alternate reality version of our own! But do come back afterwards, I mean we wouldn't want to lose visitors or anything. Tell 'em the Tiger sent ya. Or tell them God sent ya. It may sound random, but at least they'll look at you funny, and isn't that what REwind is all about? Laughing at ourselves?

Actress a Familiar Face for Director
Actress Jessica Gustafson-Sleight, currently starring in the oh-so-professional amateur epic "For of Time, and For of Majesty" may not be a familiar face to movie fans, but she's certainly a familiar face to the film's writer-director, Robert E. Gustafson-Sleight. That's because she's his goddamn sister. Says director Gustafson-Sleight, "Jessie Gustafson-Sleight is an amazing actress, which is why I cast her. She can bring a dark and brooding intensity to a scene while still retaining that likeable star quality. Also she's my goddamn sister, and wasn't doing anything at the time." Jessie Gustafson-Sleight has no previous acting experience, but professional amateur epic filmmaker Robert E. Gustafson-Sleight has plenty of films under his belt, two of which he isn't too embarrassed to show you, including the award-winning amateur professional epic "Of for Majesty, and for Time," and the upcoming, hotly-anticipated sure-to-be-equally-award-winning "For of Movie, For of Award and Professional." "Of for Majesty, and for Time" won Best Picture at a Canadian amateur awards ceremony, and starred a professional (and, I'm sure, award-winning) model/actress who wasn't the director's goddamn sister. Now that he's successfully shot a movie starring his goddamn sister, Gustafson-Sleight plans to next shoot a movie starring his goddamn father (Thomas A. Gustafson-Sleight), then another one starring his goddamn brother (Mikey D. Gustafson-Sleight), and then perhaps another just starring his goddamn dog (Spot W. Gustafson-Sleight). We here at FastForward congratulate Robert E. Gustafson-Sleight on his latest film triumph, and secretly suspect he's just not trying anymore.

Conference Held at U.N.
The United Nations began an important three-day conference and summit today regarding the president's recent order to instigate full-scale nuclear war with China. This may result in the U.S. withdrawing from the U.N., and could possibly result in tension among especially the European and Arab monied interests within the U.N., which could conceivably result in a new world war in which the United States would have few reliable allies. But ... hey, is that chick undoing her bra? Jesus man, what movie is this? I want a copy. I don't care what it is or what it's about, I want one.

Cable Access Show Has an "Edge"
A New England-based amateur movie company has an "edge" this week, as evidenced by the slogan of their cable access compilation series, which clearly states, in white letters against a black background, that they represent "Independent Filmmaking with an Edge." It is not clear what this "edge" is or where it comes from ... is the cable access show itself sharp, pointy or angular? Does it come on sharp or pointy tapes? Answers are unclear at the moment. But one thing is for sure, there is an "edge," and this company/show definitely has it. How do we know this for sure? Because white letters on a black background don't lie. They have an "edge." This is their slogan. It is witty and original. We've heard a lot of slogans here at FastForward, but we must say that this is the best and most original slogan we have ever heard. We have never heard anything quite like it, ever. Nor have we ever seen such a great and original type design - I mean, white letters on a black background? Who could have the brainpower to think up that sort of thing? I certainly don't. I mean, look at our site ... we don't have white letters on a black ... hmm, wait. We do. Hmm. I'll have to think about this. Well, either way, we congratulate this show on their amazing and original slogan, and hope they may remain pointy and angular for years to come.

Guy is Really Creeping Me Out
See that guy? Yeah, that guy there. No, not that guy, the other guy. Yeah, him. He's really starting to creep me out. Yes, I know he's making a movie, I know he's just acting, I know all that, okay? He's still creeping me out. Why? What do you mean, why? Okay, it's the eyes, he's doing the evil eye thing. Shut up, stop laughing, it's true, he's really scaring me. Yes, I KNOW he's just acting, I said that already! He's still creeping me out, I think he'd creep me out even if I met him in real life, because he's got those eyes, you know, the cold, dead diamond eyes, like I can look into the deep, dark blackness of his lifeless soul or something. Hey, shut up, it isn't funny, okay? Let's get outta here and get a burger or something. I gotta stop looking at this guy.

Other Company Also Has an "Edge"
The amateur filmmaking world fell into shock and confusion today when a second amateur movie studio revealed, via its website slogan, that it also has an "edge." This challenges the previous statement by a New England-based company that it was the only company to have an "edge." But there it is, plain as day: this company makes "MOVIES...WITH AN EDGE!" This second company may actually be trying to subtly suggest that their "edge" is somehow more powerful or sharper (pointier, more angular) than the other company's, by using all capital letters, an ellipsis to indicate a dramatic pause after the word "MOVIES," and, yes, even an exclamation point. The previous company's slogan had none of these. Is its edge therefore any less angular or pointy by comparison? Is their slogan less heartstoppingly original and fabulous than we here at FF had thought? The new company even challenges the old company's bowel-looseningly original white-letters-on-a-black-background design, by offering up both white and (gasp) GREY letters on a black background! Can the earth take this much edginess without turning into a sharp, non-spherical labyrinth of edges itself? Will the peer pressure of edge be too much for this planet? Will it revert to a flat or cubelike shape and veer off its orbit into space?? We here at FastForward had to get to the bottom of this, and as you here know we're no slouches when it comes to investigative reporting. So we took 10 seconds out of our life to go to the search engine at www.google.com and type in the phrase "with an EDGE." The search engine came up with over 8,770,000 hits, within .41 seconds. We found many other companies with "an edge." We found a blender with "an edge." We found a knife with an edge. So, in conclusion, the slogan "with an edge" isn't as original as we thought. Sorry about that. We recant our previous story.

REVIEW: "Trader Joe's Cornbread Mix"
I was wiped this morning after writing for this site nonstop for the past three days or so, so imagine my surprise and delight when I saw that I'd recieved a tape in the mail containing "Trader Joe's Cornbread Mix!" Well, obviously I had to review it, so here goes. "Trader Joe's Cornbread Mix" has the pleasant aroma and flavor of sweet yellow corn. It has a moist consistency when baked. Drizzle with Trader Joe's Clover or Mesquite Honey for an extra sweet taste. Yes, this one has its flaws but all in all it's one of the better tapes I've gotten this week, and I highly recommend you check out "Trader Joe's Cornbread Mix." I mean, if you're looking to make some cornbread or something.

STORIES WE'RE WORKING ON FOR NEXT TIME:


"Why am I doing an amateur movie? I'm a classically trained actor, for god's sake. I played Skeletor in Masters of the Universe, and the Ghost of Christmas Future on Broadway, dammit ..."

Director to fans: "Hands off him girls, he's mine."

FastForward writer vows to work this picture of Jason Santo into every single issue from now on

Respected amateur director kicks FastForward writer's pansy ass for all the TEWS jokes this issue

FastForward writer flees country rather than face beating, because that's just the kind of wuss he is.

THEY'RE JUST JOKES, KIDS. NO OFFENSE MEANT, JUST FUNNY. WE LOVE YOU ALL, AND I'M A SELLOUT. SEE YOU NEXT TIME.



This has been FastForward ... WITH AN EDGE !!

All text by Garrett Gilchrist. This site is not endorsed by anyone seen on it. All pictures stolen from their respective owners. A work of respectful parody by Orange Cow Productions, 2001. We means no disrespect, yo.