Girl Was Harder to Cast Than Guys Were
A local filmmaking group released their fifteenth film today, starring many talented local actors, and one actress. The actress, who is actually an actress, she's done school plays and everything, was found by the director after weeks of searching and rejection, and he's really glad to have her because he's normally too shy to talk to girls and all, well, I mean he talks to them, but he doesn't have much success with them romantically, and they tend not to want to be in his movies, obviously. And he's really happy because she's really really beautiful and he, like, fell in love with her instantly ... fell in love with her performance. Instantly. And on some of his other movies he never had a girl at all. Most of them actually. And it had to be all just guys, all of whom are his friends from high school, who were easy to get and put in the movies in little parts and things, they're not actors but they have a lot of fun onset, and it's good to have an actual girl, because he can put her on the poster and it'll look like a real movie with girls in it. The girl will be playing the difficult role of "The Girl" whose role is to act girly. She won't be taking her clothes off or anything - the director was too shy to ask her to do that. Look for all the guys and the one girl as this local filmmaking group releases their epic fifteenth film ... well, actually, I should say "his" fifteenth film, seeing as the director, who is also the writer, and one of the actors, is the only real member of the "group." Oh, and I shouldn't say it's a "film," because it's shot on Hi-8 video.

Technical Notice (an apology)
Some people have written in complaining about the snide tone and nasty language in our previous technical notice and apology. Like I've got nothing better to do than listen to your complaints. You people can go to hell.

Moviemaker Really Likes "Return of the Jedi"
An amateur moviemaker living on the west coast was bored the other day, burnt out after weeks of editing, and decided to watch his Special Edition videotape of the third Star Wars film, Return of the Jedi. Attractively packaged in a gold box with the face of Darth Vader on it that holds all three original films in the series, the film has nevertheless been a source of some emotional ambivalence to the moviemaker over the years. He frequently posts on film websites about how it is the weakest entry in the original series, perhaps even inferior to the much-maligned fourth installment, The Phantom Menace. The filmmaker has even authored a twenty-five-page document entitled "Ninety-Four reasons why Jedi sucks." And he was indeed able to come up with ninety-four entries criticizing the film, from Richard Marquand's questionable direction to Boba Fett's questionable death, although not all of the entries are totally original - for example, nine of the entries simply state "Ewoks" or "Friggin' Ewoks" or "Goddamn Ewoks" or some variation on the phrase. However, no such sentiment was visible as the filmmaker was actually watching the film. In fact, one could say a childlike glow suffused his face as he watched the film he first saw while very young (when he owned all the toys) and has watched thirty-five times since then, more than The Empire Strikes Back which he defends as the best of the series. Heard laughing and giggling from a distance, when one moved in closer one could see the filmmaker's lips moving along in unison to most of the dialogue. He even seemed to enjoy the goddamn Ewoks. The creepy little geek then went into the garage, took out the Jedi toys he still has and began to play with them. Oh Jesus man, even I'm not that bad. Although Carrie Fisher does look pretty cute in that slave suit. And the Emperor scenes are cool and dramatically solid, helped along by what is arguably Mark Hamill's finest performance, with the possible exception of The Joker in "Batman: The Animated Series," or Tasker in Slipstream ... Oh god, now I'm starting to sound like him. I have to shut up now. Oh god, I own the toys too. Oh GOD ...... The moviemaker will resume editing soon, but at the moment he's gone to the video store to rent Labyrinth and Return to Oz.

Nobody Buying Anything at Cafepress.com
Amateur filmmakers across the U.S. and Canada were saddened this past week, and this past month, and this past year as well, when the "virtual stores" they set up at website Cafepress.com failed to generate any orders at all. The California-based Cafepress.com, with its unique and inexpensive on-demand clothing/coffee mug/mousepad customizations, has proven a boon to hobbyists and people wishing to produce novelty products cheaply, and has been especially helpful to amateur filmmakers, who have jumped on the Cafepress bandwagon in a big way, creating t-shirt and other designs for their movies, websites, and production companies that can be purchased online by anyone, anywhere at no cost to the filmmaker himself. "I did this for my friends," says one Florida filmmaker. "For my family. The people I made this movie with. The people I made this movie for. So why the hell didn't they buy anything?" Indeed, all across the amateur filmmaking world, one can hear the distinct, loud silence of a million fans, crewmembers and friends not buying from Cafepress.com. "They just jacked up their prices, so that would explain it, except that nobody was buying for the six months or whatever before the prices changed, even," the filmmaker continues. "I mean, I even went so far as to make one shirt specifically for this guy I know who's in a band. I made him a mug too. I used up my time and store space making that design and he never even bought it. Bastard." At press time, this particular store remained a lonely one, the same as hundreds of others, with no one having purchased anything from it, with the exception of the now-ninety-dollars-poorer filmmaker himself. Which reminds me, you can visit our stores at http://www.cafepress.com/fredstuff and http://www.cafepress.com/orangecow. Not that I expect you to.

Unattractive Woman Plays Lead in Movie
An unattractive woman stars in the recently-released new feature by a local amateur group. "Yeah, we're really glad to have [unattractive woman] Cassie in the film," said the director in a recent interview. "She's a firebrand, a real powerhouse of an actress. She really lights up the screen in the film." The filmmaker did not mention the actress's extreme unattractiveness in the interview, but he obviously noticed it, I mean, he's got eyes. The unattractive woman plays a female hitwoman, described in the original script notes as "Tall, blonde, leggy and as sharp and deadly as a knife." As finally shot, the character can be described as "short, dumpy and unattractive," as unattractive as the woman who plays her. The director originally had a more attractive local woman cast, but she quit the project and at the last moment he had to settle for ... that. Hell, he should have stopped the film right there. Said forget it, we're not going to shoot this, she's playing a femme fatale and she's just too damn unattractive. The film has been getting rave reviews and has been entered into many film festivals, where it is expected to draw awards. But it's never going to sell on video, not compared to something with an attractive woman on the cover. Maybe dressed in something tight. Maybe undoing her blouse. Ohh yeah.

Guy Has Got it All Figured Out
Yeah, look at you. You, with the smug smile. I bet you think you've got it all figured out, don't you? Well, you don't. What're you smiling at? Why are you so smug, dammit? Why can you smile while the rest of us suffer in pain? I hate you, you know that. I don't even know who you are, and I hate you. I hate your smile. I hate your hair. I hate your room and the posters on your wall. I hate everything about you. Your smile mocks me with its self-assured, cowlike complacency. It tells me everything is all right with your world, while everything is falling apart in mine. Everything is just so goddamn simple in your world, isn't it? You pig. I will defeat you, oh yes. If I have to face God himself in his own ice palace I shall defeat you, and your smug smile. You shall feel the cold sting of my blade as it slices you with its sharp wit and webmastering/filmmaking skills. And then we'll see who is smiling. Then we shall see who's got it all figured out.

Director Wonders What Joel Hodgson is up to Lately
A local amateur movie director, having just completed all but the last few reshoots for his latest motion picture, went online Thursday and wondered aloud in a popular moviemaking forum just what (Minnesota-born comedian) Joel Hodgson has been up to lately. "Joel's been quiet lately, hasn't he?" the director wondered in a recent post. "We really haven't seen much from him since he left the show." "The show" refers to Mystery Science Theater 3000, or MST3K, or in the director's own words, "the best show ever." Hodgson created the 2-hour weekly program, which aired during the 1990s on cable's Comedy Central. "I mean, he was on Freaks and Geeks twice, as a favor to the guys who made the show I guess," the director continued. "He did the TV Wheel thing, but I never actually saw that. And there are the test films on his site which nobody saw either. That's about it. And there's no email address on his site. He was an amateur filmmaker himself, I think, maybe, or still is. The KTMA stuff was pretty amateur." Continuing along the same train of thought, the director asked to no one in particular, "He lives in L.A. now, right? Or near it. I know some guys in L.A., maybe they could find out something." The director spent an hour composing this post, since he types slow, an hour of his life which is now gone forever. An hour of his life he will never get back, and will miss in the end, when his all-too-brief span on earth comes to a close. "I wonder if Joel would be in one of my movies, if I asked nice I mean." The director, who will thankfully get back to work editing his latest movie project pretty soon, went on to comment that "(headwriter and host of the show in later seasons) "Mike (Nelson) hasn't done much either, except the book and the dogs playing poker thing," and added that he would like to meet (actor/writer) Trace Beaulieu.

What is That Guy Doing Out There?
Do you see that guy? He was there when I came by here a couple hours ago, too. I think he's been there all day. I wonder what he's doing. I mean, he's got a camera and all, but it doesn't look like he's shooting anything, does it? It's weird, he's just got it pointed at the ground and trees and stuff. I wonder if that's his movie, like ground and trees and stuff, like that's what he does. Or maybe a time-lapse thing, or stop-motion, or ... I dunno. It's creeping me out, though. Like he's spying on us or something. I shouldn't say that. It makes me look paranoid. But doesn't he look kind of like a pervert? Like that guy you used to know in college who thought he was smooth with the ladies, and they always came back crying. Geez. I gotta get outta here, this is freaking me out. That's a really fucking nice camera, though. Maybe I could beat him up and steal it.

STORIES WE'RE WORKING ON FOR NEXT TIME:


Sure, these talking oranges movies are fun, but are they corrupting our children?

Director receives mixed reactions to latest film

Hoo boy, that ladder's gonna get its ass kicked now ....

New movie described as "Blade Runner meets The Monkees, only with a girl"

Film Overcomes Technical Ineptitude to Achieve Lasting Mediocrity

House Packed at Latest Orange Cow Premiere

Garrett smiles like a tiger anyway, hoping he got away with it one more time.

All text by Garrett Gilchrist. This site is not endorsed by anyone seen on it. All pictures stolen from their respective owners. A work of respectful parody by Orange Cow Productions, 2001. We means no disrespect, yo.