Guy Has Keyboard
We are pleased to report that the guy seen at left has an electronic keyboard. He has had this keyboard for some time now, and is reportedly "proud of it." He often plays original compositions on this keyboard while wearing headphones and an emotionally vague, Mona Lisa-like smile. While playing, he sways his head back and forth with the music a lot - subtly, of course, but after a while you begin to notice it. He also taps his foot along with the bass occasionally. The bass tones of the music are helped along by the pre-recorded beats on the keyboard. Yep, this guy definitely owns a keyboard. We think it's a Casio. Or maybe a Yamaha.

Technical Notice (an apology)
Recently some people have been complaining about our web server not loading quite quickly enough, or not at all sometimes, or that our mail server is also slow or doesn't load at all or accept AOL embedded images or attachments. These people are annoying me. Like I've got nothing better to do than listen to your fucking complaints all day? I do have a life you know, and I couldn't do anything about this shit even if I didn't. So you can all go fuck yourselves.

Filmmaker's Family "Creeped Out" at Screening
A local filmmaker showed his latest work to his mother, father and older sister last thursday. "I was excited to finally show off what I'd been working on all this time," said the filmmaker, who still lives with the parents aforementioned, and who generally look in disdain on his filmmaking projects, which they refer to as "playtime" and "those things he likes to do instead of getting a job." The filmmaker, on a subconscious level, sees their failure to understand how important filmmaking is to him as a failure to understand him as a person, and was on some level we suspect attempting to validate his own existence and career choices with this screening. "Yeah," said the filmmaker. I'm really pumped." This was the world premiere of the film, which was held with due pomp and circumstance just after dinner in the family living room. Despite this, the screening did not go as well as planned. The sister began laughing at some of the film's violent scenes, and walked out early on. The father seemed inattentive, talking about other things beside the film during most of the screening and left several times to refill his glass of beer. The mother was squeamish and kept looking with a disdainful eye at her son during the action sequences, which took five days to shoot plus a one-day reshoot after one of the major actors quit. Afterward, she said she was "creeped out" by the whole experience, but that she "thank[s] God the whole thing is over," meaning that now her son will quit this "whole foolishness" and get a job so he can save up for a car. The father also hopes that now the son, who he suspects is secretly gay, will forget his filmmaking career and start talking to girls more. The filmmaker was disappointed by this reception, but says, cryptically, "they laughed at Fellini too, didn't they? And did he listen? No." His next film, a sequel to the first, begins shooting tomorrow.

Reference Goes Over the Heads of Guys at School
A film reference went over the heads of some guys at school last tuesday, to the dismay of the student filmmaker who made the witty and intelligent reference in tribute to Stanley Kubrick's controversial classic A Clockwork Orange. The bunch of guys and the student filmmaker were going out to lunch at (fast food restaurant) Carl's Jr., and one of them, who is an Anthropology major but taking an introductory film studies class as an elective, was complaing about all the "awful old musicals" he was being forced to watch for the class, including "Singing in the Rain" and "Meet Me in St. Louis." At which point the student filmmaker, who had seen both films, chimed in with "Ah, the Ludovico treatment." At which point all of the bunch of guys looked at the student filmmaker confusedly and boredly, or, in the student filmmaker's own words, "like I was a pig playing banjo at a bar mitzvah." In the book and film of A Clockwork Orange, the protagonist Alex DeLarge (Malcolm MacDowell), a serial rapist and hoodlum, is forced to undergo the "Ludovico Treatment," in which he is chemically altered to feel ill while images of the violence he loves are shown on the screen - eventually Alex associates the two and is "rehabilitated" at the cost of losing his free will. The filmmaker proceeded to explain and overexplain this at the group of guys, who continued to look at him funny, even though two out of four of them had seen the film and still remembered the basic plot, mainly because he was holding up the line and they just wanted to order their food. The student filmmaker has himself referenced A Clockwork Orange in two of his films, and made a Full Metal Jacket joke in another. This is not the first time one of the student filmmaker's conversational references has gone over the heads of some guys. Some guys previously failed to "get" a quote from Apocalypse Now, a clever conversational twist on the basic theme of a scene in Evil Dead II, and at least a dozen other references the student filmmaker has made. He is, however, undeterred by this, and plans to continue making references in the future, perhaps to the "Why so many swords?" scene in The Seven Samurai, or the "You drew black" opening of The Seventh Seal.

Girl is Like, Almost Naked
Dude, dude! Look at this! No, forget that shit, come over here and look at the TV! This girl just took her shirt off! No, I mean it, she's in her underwear and everything! Come over here! Hurry up, she might get naked! She's like, almost naked already! I didn't know they did this shit in home movies, this movie fucking rocks! Dude, where are you! Get the fuck over here, the scene's almost over! She's .... awww, you missed it.

Guy is Spending a Lot of Time Online
A guy spent a lot of time online this week, and all through the past month, as evidenced by the many posts he's made in a popular amateur filmmaking forum and its less-popular but-beloved-by-some sister forum, and the copious updates to his website. In addition to creating as many as five different publicity posters for many of his older movies and writing a series of articles about the making of his last feature, this guy has opened up a Cafepress.com store, selling merchandise from t-shirts to mousepads and mugs, and taken part in a long and heated discussions about who's got the real talent, Carpenter or Cronenberg, weighing in on the side of (John) Carpenter. All of which has given him an extremely powerful web presence, and helped to superficially cover up the fact that he hasn't made a movie since 1999.

Director Feigns Humility
An amateur award-winning director feigned humility Sunday at the premiere of his seventh feature, "Long Night's Walk into Degenerate Darkness." When a supporting actor in the feature came up to him afterward and told him the "movie was really good," and that he had "really gotten better as a moviemaking guy," the director, who secretly thinks everything he does is absolutely brilliant, replied with a quick, falsely humble "No, no, I was terrible, I was an asshole the whole shoot ... you guys saved my ass the whole time, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't even know what the story was about." In truth, the director had thought about what the story "was about" for over a year before writing the film, an epic murder mystery based on his own experiences as a video store clerk, and considers it his magnum opus, his masterpiece which is not only good enough for Sundance, Sundance should fucking come and grovel at his feet for this. (The film will not be shown at Sundance, but will nearly make it into a local festival in Arizona, where a polite rejection letter will be sent accompanied by a handwritten note saying "good job.") The director's thin mask of humility did not go unnoticed by the supporting actor, who seemed to appreciate that at least the director was not screaming this time. (The director is known for having an enormous ego onset, frequently throwing tantrums and screaming at his actors for not doing things right, and is also a braggart and slick promotionalist online, but when complimented in person will deny that he even knows how to work a camera.) "Long Night's" is the director's first film not to be edited from one VCR to another, and since he also plays a leading role in the film he has even been recognized at the fish market where he now works. The director plans to go on feigning humility as long as he is making movies, and may eventually learn how to do so convincingly.

Heated Discussion Takes Place in Laundry Room
A heated discussion took place recently in a suburban laundry room. A young man stood at one side of the room, saying something and looking off into nowhere in particular, while a young woman stood at the other side of the room, saying something else, a bit more loudly, while looking in the direction of a shadowy figure, I think he's got a goatee, who was looking in a totally different direction entirely. A washer and dryer were visible in a large empty space in the middle. This heated discussion was very dramatic and powerful, and crucial to development of both plot and character. But the guy did shoot it in his goddamn laundry room. I mean, a laundry room. Jesus Christ.

STORIES WE'RE WORKING ON FOR NEXT TIME:


Director's Personal Problems, Fantasies, Issues Reflected in Filmmaking Efforts

Filmmaker finally got a car, thought he'd use it in his movie ....

Director Thought He'd Made a Drama, Eventually Promotes it as a Comedy

Nice Pants!

Actor Misguidedly Hopes Shades Will Provide Him with a Shortcut to Coolness, Mystery, Menace

Filmmaker Just Hopes He Doesn't Look Fat in this Light

Entire forum at Rewindvideo.com contemplates beating up Garrett Gilchrist

Garrett says he meant it all in good fun, then hastily blames Mike Stoklasa for the idea, then disappears mysteriously, never to be heard from again.

All text by Garrett Gilchrist. This site is not endorsed by anyone seen on it. All pictures stolen from their respective owners. A work of respectful parody by Orange Cow Productions, 2001. We means no disrespect, yo.