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Use of 'Real - Reel' Pun Opens Gates to Hell by David Ashe TALLAHASSEE, FL - Disaster struck Wednesday when an advertisement employing a pun on 'real' and 'reel' caused the violent bursting forth of Hell's gates in the middle of the downtown region of Florida's capitol. Florida State University Student Erik Brigneti was witness to the incident which catalyzed the hellish invasion, while walking across the campus with his roommate and fellow student, Kevin Jones. "Kevin saw some poster hung up on one of the sign boards they have all over campus. It said something about making your own ninja movie, and Kevin seemed pretty interested," reported Brigneti, who at time of report was gradually transforming into a revenant of the 4th circle after his exposure to Satan's empty gaze of despair. The advertisement was for the "Reel Ninja Film Contest," a promotional contest for the upcoming ninja-themed Playstation 2 game Tenchu: Wrath Of Heaven, which offered winners a 15,000 grand prize and a spot in a national marketing campaign. Jones laughed, offering in a silly voice that "I bet [our roommate] Dave would love to make a ninja movie." Brigneti reportedly joined in the laughter, as Jones leaned in closer to the advertisement, scanning for details. "It all happened when Kevin leaned in close and said the title of the contest." After uttering the title written on the poster, the sky opened up in a ray of blood red, and flaming chunks of rock began to rain downwards. "All this shit started happening, but Kevin just looked up at the sky, standing still. Then his face started melting off." Brigneti reportedly went for cover as Jones' body was melted away by an unknown, unholy corrosive force. "Please...kill me..." Brigneti later said, as his arm fell off, and a clawed appendage began to grow in its place. Moments after Jones had read the forbidden words, The Eternal Prince of Darkness awoke from his black slumber of untruth, and charged forth into the downtown region of Florida's capitol, dashing innocent and sinner alike under his burning fists, and crushing under his foul hoof the local Chick-Fil-A and Circuit City. "Foolish mortals! Your bountiful earth realm is mine! With your careless and repeated uttering of accursed puns, I am free!" The Pentagon issued a statement later that day saying, "The war with Hell has begun. We must do all we can to counter Satan's advances from his new hellish war camp in Florida, and see to it that no other gates open to the most unholy of realms. We will be seeking close collaboration with the Vatican during our campaign against Hell, and many nations have pledged to send us military support in this ultimate battle against good and evil. We will need the prayers of every American if we expect to defeat the forces of the defiled ... yes, even the prayers of Islamics. May God be with us all." Military plans for containing the threat from below currently remained classified, but the public is urged to pray as much as possible, and avoid any exposure to puns or other clever linguistic constructions, lest they open more portals to the underworld. Advertisers across the country are being called upon to assist in this effort by relying on more sexual images, catchier songs, and increased propagation of subversive hegemonic values in place of material that might risk further hellish invasion, and Hollywood has agreed to refrain from assigning taglines to movie posters until Satan has been contained.