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Poetics of Amateur Cinema Hello ffrevolution, my name is Donald Washington and I'm a big fan of the site. Two years ago I was a happily married father of two, a well-to-do military man stationed in Fort Worth, Texas. Today I'm a prisoner awaiting trial for treason against the United States. The time I spend in detainment is long and stressful, except when I surf the internet for porn and comedy, with the one-hour-use-limit computer provided by the Federal prison. It's the happiest hour of my day. Ffrevoltuion has been my source of joy and laughter. It has filled me with inspiration and hope: Hoping one day I may become a movie director. I may tell my story to the public. I may reunite with my beautiful children. Regardless my current lack of access to filmmaking resources, I wish to contribute to the world of moviemaking by analyzing the rules of amateur cinema. Now, I know I'm no expert in film theory. Instead, I'm an expert in tactical radio-wave instrument deployment. However, I've seen lots of amateur movies online and I have discovered a set of rules that applies to all the good ones. I hope to share my insight with everyone. The way I see it, a good amateur movie has four important parts: plot, character, position, and dialogue. Plot It's good to have a plot. It's better to have a good plot. Because a good plot is better than a bad plot. If you see two plots on the street: one good, one bad, and these two plots get into a knife fight. Who's going to win? The good one of course! If you see two roosters engage in a cockfight, one good-plot rooster, the other bad-plot rooster, which one would you bet on? The good one! It's that simple! You need to have a good plot! Character I was stationed in San Antonio, Texas when I met Character. He played at a local blues clubs. The minute I walked in the door I knew I'd found not just a great musician but a brother and a confidant. He sang a song remembering the starving Canadian orphans of World War 2. The soulful melody, combined with the eloquent lyrics, deeply touched my heart. I enjoyed it tremendously despite its gross historical inaccuracy. It made me weep like a little girl. The last time I cried for a piece of music was when I heard Garth Brook's rendition of the TV show Lonesome Dove's title song. We began a lengthy correspondence. He shared with me his theories on life and music. I shared with him my classified military operations knowledge. When I got transferred to Germany, I invited him to visit me. He agreed. He had never been to Europe. He had never seen the Atlantic Ocean. "I've always wanted to see the ocean." He said. "I shall sail across the Atlantic, into Stuttgart, into Germany, into your arms. My dear brother, behold, here I come." I still remember the morning I received this telegram. It was the coldest German morning in fifty years. It was the day he disappeared. It was the last time I heard from him. Position Making movie is like playing chess. You need to plan where you're going. Therefore, you shall learn from chess. A good chess player knows how to get their pieces into a good position on the board. The center area of the board is especially important. A player who commands the center commands the game. If you're conscientious about the bishop and the queen's position during the opening, you'll have a good chance of beating your opponent. I highly recommend using the two-knight combination following the Galssian defense with the 4, 6 pawns as the deflector. Dialogue I met Dialogue in a strip club in Alaska. "Diamond Necklace" was her stage name. Her icy beauty rendered me speechless. She seemed unapproachable, so I ordered a table dance. Up close, I saw a proper girl who fell through the cracks. I asked her out and we hit it off immediately. It was a magical summer. We were inseparable. We were in love. When I got transferred to Germany I asked her to come with me. She did. Soon the trouble began. While I had spent most of my time in various covert military operations, she had found a separate life in Germany. She had made new friends. She said she wanted to see the world, to experience life, to leave me. "If you walk outta here we're through! We're through!" I screamed. I didn't mean to scream at her. I'd never done it before that day. "You fucking bitch, you drunken whore, you slut!" I wanted to make her angry. I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted to see her cry. She was not phased. She did not care. She went away without a word. It wasn't long before she came crawling back. She said she was sorry for leaving and she had always loved me. She told me her boyfriend has sold her to a street pimp and she needed a place to hide. I took her back that night. I fucked her. I fucked her hard. It wasn't about pleasure, lust, nor passion. It was about revenge. Then I threw her naked ass out on the street and peed on her. "How you like that bitch!" I yelled. She didn't reply. She just wept. I finally saw her cry. That was the last time I saw her. I did what I did because I thought I didn't love her anymore. Because I needed to maintain my dignity so I could look in the mirror and call myself a man. I was wrong. There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I don't think of her. She was my one and only love, and I pissed her away. There you have it, the 4 tenets of amateur cinema. If your movie has a good plot, character, position, and dialogue, you can't lose! Well, I hope this is useful to you. I wish you the best in the pursuit of your celluloid dream. I also wish to see my children again. If you ever run into little Danny and Ashley Washington, tell them their daddy is sorry for not being there. Tell them not to worry about daddy. Daddy is not lonely and has made friends with various Afghani prisoners. Tell them Daddy loves them. Well I'm getting off topic here. I better go now. My computer time is up and my friend Ahmad wants to surf the web. He says he's trying to use the net to keep up on current events; the Feds thinks he's communicating with a terrorist cell; I think he's looking for porn. What a fucking joke. But that's another story. Take care, Donald Washington P.S. Despite the complaints, I think you should stick with your marketing strategy. It's genius to only let your site be available for 1 hour per day at around 11pm. When I worked as a stand-up comic, my audience wouldn't laugh at my jokes no matter how hard I tried. I eventually ran out of money and joined the army. Now I look back and realize that my jokes weren't bad, the problem was my timing Ð nobody wanted to hear nasty genitalia jokes at nine in the morning! NOBODY! Instead, I should've booked my show at a later time, perhaps around eleven at night. Eleven is the perfect time because everything is funny at eleven and people aren't yet drunk. I wish I had known then what I know now. I would've been a comedic star instead of a disgraced soldier.