WORDS VIDEO FEATURES AUDIO CHAT FORUM TOOLS ABOUT US LINKS speak your addled mind in the forum!

U.S. Troops Busy Leveling-Up For Iraq War by Roscoe Gortsky Younger County, VA- The woods around the Thomas R. Feeley Army base in Younger County, VA are filled with troops preparing for the US-Iraq war by searching for animals and other "creeps" that troops can defeat for valuable experience that will boost their strength, as well as helpful magical items and shining gold pieces. This is part of a nation-wide training program meant to strengthen our troops for their upcoming engagement against Iraq. Pulling soldiers from all sorts of reserves and off-duties, U.S. Army intelligence is concerned that regiments will be filled with soldiers whose training is not fully internalized, and whose skills need to be quickly re-honed. Captain Jon Gerrenger, serving on the Younger County Base, commented on his concern for troop readiness: "These troops we have coming by the truckload are green and scared. We'd be lucky to find more than a handful that are past level 2. We've been sending them out into the woods in parties of 3-5, to hack-and-slash through any baddies they encounter, and see if they can't increase their HP/MP levels and develop some new combat special abilities." The troops themselves seem gleeful about the opportunity to prepare themselves for the battle. Private Joeseph McClintock, after emerging from a half-day leveling-up in the forest, commented: "My party and I found a small dungeon, and we killed the 10th level Golem on the bottom, meaning we're all level 5 now. I can take 75% more damage than before, and Private Rollins can launch a nasty fireball for 425 damage! Plus, we found a orb of true-seeing, which'll come in handy out in Iraq." Despite the enthusiasm of the troops, a few extra levels may not be enough to guarantee victory. Iraqi soldiers are rumored to be all level 3 or higher, save points are sparse in the harrowing Iraqi deserts, and it is speculated that Saddam Hussein's hit points have far surpassed the 10,000 mark, and that he easily commands several high-level summon spells. Other measures being undertaken to prepare our troops include round-the clock drills, mock combat engagements, and anti-rape educational films.