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How to Be Creative by Donald Washington When the CIA sent me to investigate un-American activities at UC Berkley, I posed as a student counselor. Many aspiring young filmmakers came to me for advice. They always had the same question: "Donald, how can I be creative?" To the fine ladies, I always replied, "Um hum, you wanna be creative eh? Let ol' Donald show you something that's gonna expand your horizon, yeah, that's right, doesn't that feel good, yeah, now you make ol' Donald feel good, get down on your knees, DO IT, that's right bitch, now suck it..." But seriously, creativity takes practice, practice takes patience, patience takes time. Lots of time. Gigantic bucket loads of time. I don't believe in talent. I don't believe in gifts. I believe in persistence and hard work. I always say, "Follow your dream. Never give up, never let go. And remember me, because you'll always be ol' Donald's bitch." Now you would ask, "Donald, how the hell do I get all that free time? I need to get a fucking job to support myself. If I don't work, I'll become a dirty hobo!" Ah, so there is the real issue. You have the desire to pursue art, but you don't have the time. What do you do? How do you support yourself? Between masturbation, playing Nintendo, compulsive TV watching, and working the 10-hour shift stacking groceries at Wal-Mart, there isn't much time left to make your movie. In America, artistic activity is regarded as a hobby, an escape, a distraction. We used to survive through the brutal method of hunting and gathering. The civilization process has replaced our animalistic need for survival with sophisticated machines that take care of us. Everybody is responsible for this machine. Everybody does his job to keep this machine running, so we don't fucking die. In contrast, anyone that spends all their time to escape, to be non-productive, to fuck around and not get a real job, has no place in our society. Respectively, he shall be condemned to poverty and vagrancy. But there is a way for young aspiring artists to avoid homelessness - become a convict. It's logical. The non-productive member of the society ends up in a cell. His life will be supported and he will have all the free time in the world. Free to escape, free to create, free to make movies. Nevertheless, a career in prison inmate does come with its own job hazards. Including: 1. Anal rape. Believe me, I'm in prison and there is a lot of that shit going on around here. You just watch a episode of MTV's "Scared Straight" and you'll know what I'm talking about. It's all fucking true. However, studies have shown that you're less likely to be anally raped if you don't take showers. 2. Commit anal rape due to peer pressure. Say you're in a prison, and you join a gang to protect yourself. Now, if your gang decides to gang rape someone for either pleasure or revenge, should you join in? Of course you'll have to! Like the saying goes: a convict that won't jam, is a convict that can't be trusted. A convict that can't be trusted is a bitch that takes it up the ass. 3. Commit anal rape due to desperation. Prison is a lonely place. What would you do when you become desperate for relief? What if you can't help yourself? When you see some fine, round, tight ass in the shower, will you care what goes on in the front? Will you care about anything else connected to the ass? Will you be bothered by the screaming man voice that coming out of the fuck hole on the face? You might not. If this happens to you, don't feel bad. Get over it, you've got a movie to make! 4. Become some dude's bitch. It's always a possibility that an unfortunate circumstance might arise when someone makes you his bitch. Your life sucks. Literally. The only thing you can do is learn to enjoy it. Or gain his trust, then kill the motherfucker in his sleep. 5. Spending too much time running your bitches instead of being creative. Power is addictive. If you have the power to make someone your bitch, will you able to withhold that power? I have a friend who got so busy running his bitch that he hardly has any time left to make movies. In conclusion, I wish all of you a happy, creative lives. I advise you to become a convict as soon as possible. Get involved in the only profession that allows you to have all the free time in the world, and a quiet place to think without the worries of securing a job to support yourself. Best to do it early in life, before you get used to having a job. I've said all there is to say about creativity. The rest is up to you. So don't wait! Start committing crimes today!