Yes, You Are Fat, and No, You Could Never Be a Model March 26, 2004 - wnbc
Providence, RI We insensitive pricks here at FF would like to send a shout out to all the fat ugly chicks of America. No, we don't want to cast you in our movies. No, we don't really want to pay attention to you today. Nor do we care to sustain your diseased ego in any way if we can help it. Get your own god damned life.
While your willingness to bare your breasts allows you more screen time, you remain fat, ugly, and uninteresting. Hide those god forsaken cat woman outfits! Stop asking us if we want to vomit when we see you nude! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!
Would you even exist if you found yourself alone in the woods with no one around to hear you bitch and moan about your inane bullshit? Not at all! You'd blink right out of reality if there wasn't a sounding board nearby to bounce your shakey self image off of 24/7. Don't you recognize the dismissive tone of the grunts and mutterings that we squeeze out of our pity glands whenever you speak? Well, pay attention, it sounds like this : Smile and nod. smile and nod. nod nod nod. nod off. fuck off.
Are you fat? Do we agree that you were cute 20 years ago? Do we think you could be a model if you just shaved off the spongy love handles and cottage cheesey thighs? Do we think dressing like a whore might suggest that you enjoy *gasp* sex? Here's the news: You are being judged arbitrarily, all the time, based on your less than chic appearance. You are not coming off well. Recognize this and stop striving to fake what you'll never come close to being!
Why do you ask these tired questions all the time? Don't you see that this pointless stream of random piss constantly squirting from your throat is a telltale sign that you don't actually have anything worth saying? Worse than that, you ran out of ways to ask "am i pretty" 10 years ago, so now you just say whatever comes to mind to exercise your jaw muscles. Somehow, describing random details of your banal life has become your way of fishing for compliments. Somehow you've crafted your own life game, and nobody else knows the rules. Somehow you're still passing for sane.
We here at FF would like to answer all your questions, right now, so we never hear them again, in the form of an incorrectly formed but truly heartfelt haiku.
Ahem:
Sure, someone somewhere will probably have sex with you.
They may even pretend to find you funny and intelligent first.
But the truth is : they don't have any respect for you.
Because aimless whining babies are hard to look up to.
Adults want to spend their time with other adults.
Get it?
That said, we do look forward to your new maturity and self reliance.
Good luck, Women of America.
No no, don't speak. Don't reply. Don't quibble.
Just suck it up and be on your way.
Sluts.
Willy Not Black Cosby Reporting
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