Area Filmmaker Cries Foul About Hollywood Disregarding His Potential – March 12, 2004 - cm
Des Moines, IA - Simon Shepherd of "Dirty Ol’ Pickup Productions" is unhappy these days. He believes the Hollywood movie machine has been treating him unfairly. "You can’t judge people based on their experience. It just isn’t fair," complained Simon, "You need to judge people based on their potential."
Besides being an avid moviegoer, Simon has been making movies since the age of ten. "If you look at the Lethal Weapon fan film I made with my friends, you can see that I have a lot of potential. Yes it totally sucked ass, but, hey, I did everything all by myself! How many of those Hollywood fuckers do you know that can do everything by themselves? Not many."
Simon also offered a unique perspective to those who don't appreciate his "Lethal" shoestring-budget action epic. "I was only in six grade when I made that Lethal Weapon fan film so you need to cut me some slack. Just disregard all the poorly framed shots, bad editing choices, mumbling dialogue, annoying background noise, and a ugly cast that can't act, and you’ve got yourself a pretty decent action movie. Plus, if you’ve made a movie before you know how hard it is to put a feature length film together. Therefore, my movie was 4 and a half fucking hours long and that must count for something!"
Simon also has the perfect solution to deal with the Hollywood monopoly. "I haven’t made any movies or written any screenplays for years. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s in my head. I have all these cool ideas in my head. I just need someone to give me a chance. I think we, as a society, need to level the playing fields. The government needs to come in and say, hey enough is enough, it’s time to give this guy five million dollars to make his movie."
Simon believes the real problem goes beyond the movie industry; the real problem is far broader and more fundamental. "We also need to lock people up based on their potential to commit crime. I have this scary looking neighbor named Fred. I don’t wanna sit around and wait for him to rape and kill me. Who would? I believe I should have the right to kill him first, or at least bomb his house or something. It's a shame we aren’t allowed to do such things. But one can always dream," Simon sighs, "one can always dream."
Good luck Simon! Burn in the fucking hell!
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