Date Rapist Makes Film! - March 11, 2004 - svw
Kansas City, Missouri - local filmmaker Maurice McHortenbach has finally finished his first important work of video magic. You'll remember Maurice from last year's Pause Video Awards, where he was declared "filmmaker so bad he probably date rapes women for sex." Well in the past week, Maurice has struck back with a fury, shaming those that dare to judge him.
In the press release for his recent 2004 opus "Fuck You In Your 6 Year Old Ass!" he announces "This shocking film challenges preconceived notions of pedophelia by pointing out that the crime is only as heinous as the race of the accused." Confused? So were we, so I set up an exclusive interview with this lovable freak, to get to the bottom of his disturbing revenge tactics. After flying out to some-city-that-is-not-on-either-coast-and-is-thus-of-no-importance, we settled down in the living room/studio of maurice's beige flecked mobile home (The fact that I in no way did any of the previously described traveling in no way affects this interview).
Maurice started out the proceedings by showing us his previous filmic adventures, vegesexual pornos, and off-off-broadway plays. I tried desperately to flee before he could force "...year old ass!" on my innocent virgin mind, but ... was ultimately persuaded to stay. So, 2 hours later, rendered speechless, and tied to my chair, i was able to honestly say that i had watched his entire movie in one sitting. Words cannot describe my dissapointment, but I was then pleasantly suprised to then see Maurice produce a mini tape recorder and begin to interview himself. He ruminated as follows:
"This film plays with your notion of sexual predation, by toying with whether or not a female child or male child was horribly abused for about the first three quarters of the picture. It goes on for at least 40 minutes, and that's almost longer than From Dusk Till Dawn ignored it's true plot! So, it asks : male or female? who's being abused? It's basically the same conflict that drives the classic 'It's Pat' film, which was also written by Tarantino. But then 41 minutes rolls around, and the true titular culprit is revealed."
Perhaps i should note that at this point i began to meditate on the wide open redwood forests of my youth, and lost all cognizance of his rambling. But he continued without my attention:
"It ultimately comes out that a labrador retriever was the victimized party in question. i mean answer. no. So, it totally comes at you from left field. By suggesting that normal home sapien to homo sapien pedophilia has a specific age limit, my art pulls the rug out from beneath your munchin' and reveals that a dog was in fact the perpatratee. Wait, no. Yes. (incoherent mumbling)."
I could not see what Maurice was doing at this point, as i was avoiding all eye contact and trying to chew through the ropes while chanting a hindu protection hymn, but it sounds very slippery and foreign on the recording. After several minutes, of the most disturbing sounds i'll ever hear, he continued:
"Yum! You see, in dog years, 6 years old is more like 47 years old. Also, it is never made clear what sex the dog is. So it totally shift gears and calls your whole sexual orientation into question. And in a way it questions time itself, sexually, while bringing forbidden scents to mind-" The door of his home suddenly imploded at this point, and Maurice McHortenback was apprehended by federal agents before our exclusive interview could be completed.
But, more on this story as it develops!
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